Transcript
Live from that flat and Diet Coke. Can you've been driving by all week? You know the one I'm talking about it, kind of I actually do my driveway. Yeah. And you're like, should I get that? I'm kind of sick of the noise. It's a rip roaring business nuggets, Tuesday, a business pants. Join is always by Emma Lurkey, lurk lurking, and Matt kill the acronym mascardi. Getting out, funzo Delight, you know before I continue Matt we talked about killing the acronym a few years ago and now I hear everyone's saying, maybe we should get rid of the acronym. You just I'm gonna tell you, just listen. We, we are, like, guys. That's what seriously, listen to us about everything literally. Yeah. Today, selecting the thing to listen to us about, listen to all of it. And today's acre baggie of cheese dusted, nuggets called June 7th 2022. A good old-fashioned, nugget shape, Donuts match. We're doing jokes today just a bottle of Honey jokes Here we go. and our The other 58% said, why the hell is it okay that Kimball musk is on the board of Tesla headline of the week? 42% of Americans. Say money has a negative impact on their mental health but really Matt. Okay, how does? He pass on this one. I like rather on the board. What's happening? Any headline with the percentage of Americans and you could have still made that joke? That is how do you take them, seriously? Do we though, he did invest in passion flicks, good point. In our, she also said, it's not a woodchuck. If wood could chuck wood would chuck could Headland of the week. Sheryl Sandberg says she couldn't focus on philanthropy at meta quote. It's not a job that you can do and also do other things and quote Look hats off to show Samberg for baseball saying she had a hard time giving away her money while doing her job. Yeah simultaneously Elon Musk has four CEO jobs. It's hard to give away your money when you're not. No need to embellish this headline with a joke, headline of the week. That's right, man. I got to take some time off for this one. Ready for this headline? Ready for this? Okay. Yeah, this is a real headline. Ousted wework founder, Adam. Neumann wants to put carbon credits on the blockchain with Goddess nature tokens to combat climate change. That's a real headline. You didn't just say that I know this I found this. Yeah. This are you real, this is there a different spreadsheet that you can catenate other headlines to create your Business Insider I don't I mean maybe they're right to be against ESG. If this is what's happening. This is where product maybe I am. Maybe I'm with them. ESG is attracted Adam Neumann. It's all over. and our Market condition said, don't blame us. You dumbass headline of the week. Cerebral CEO blames market conditions for impending layoffs, as company faces Department of Justice investigation. Whoops, well, first of all, I thought cerebral was like the headline writers. Description of the CEO like a very seriously, but it's an actual company and then I realized he's not that cerebral. That's an idiot. In our Elon Musk Promises full, self-flying pilotless planes by 2020, headline of the week. American CEO says the airline has grounded 100 planes because it doesn't have enough Pilots to fly them. Whoops. Oh that seems like a would you like a really easy like spreadsheet math problem, right. The amount of things you have. The amount of flights. You schedule Pilots. Wow, if you divide wrong or you had a remainder, Michael, the real question here is, would you fly in a pilotless plane? I probably would if it wasn't coming from SpaceX or Tesla or something. I might Yeah, you can count me out. I also won't go on a roller coaster. Actually still haven't been on a plane since covid hit. So who knows. That's winning. And our oh, the Amazon Cloud, executive is a bald white man with an MBA from Stanford. His name is water, vapor sin, and he is 78.08% nitrogen. Headline of the week. That's a tough one. And that's a lot of getting through that Peloton CFO is leaving. The company, will be replaced by Amazon Cloud executive. I just want to make fun of Amazon Cloud. I just want to make fun of the word cloud. Sorry. I am the sexual harassment in the UK. That's true. I know what about calling on water vapor sin is that like nah, that's okay. No ruling on that yet. In our deep fake lettuce alert deep fake lettuce alert, deep fake lettuce alert headline of the week KFC. Branches in Australia have started using cabbage in burgers and wraps to make up for lettuce. Lettuce shortages, the report says, let us. Wow shortages, that's not lettuce, you're eating people. Just remember that I can. You have more alerts in which you yell the same thing over and over again, too. I'm trying to imagine cabbage in a burger, I don't know. Yes it's crunchy. It's crunching green. Yes, the coleslaw in our, The company also replied that repeats are really repetitive and rewarming, reheated, refried beans, as ridiculous, headline of the week. Abbott nutrition restarts baby formula production in reopened Michigan, plant. That was really just a deeper cut. That was a deep grammar cut. I just like the idea that we're trusting this company to do anything really, like, I don't really know. Couldn't we find someone else to come up with it? I mean, they I don't know bacteria filled baby formula. There's not like another production play as opponent that can make formula that. Yeah, you're worried about pilotless planes. I'm worried about Abbott nutrition. Making baby formula and a plant that had a yeah, that was so filled with bacteria, had to get shut down. Well, what reheated now why are we trusting them as we were reported here? A few weeks ago, there's no leadership changes either. It's just like whoops. Oh no, the board is the Mafia, the Chicago Market. Yeah, there are favorites. And I finally in this segment and I'll hand it over to you Matt. And our this one is Especially for Emma. She would hate this joke. in our, a man with 18 foot long arms, was the first customer headline of the week. Taco Bell is opening. Its highly anticipated. Two-story, drive-thru restaurant in Minnesota, she wouldn't have beefed. You, she would have beefed you she must have been, like, I don't, what do you mean, why? I don't get it. What are you talking about? Oh, you know, I will say though the way they deliver the food is through a what they call gravity defying elevator. Oh wait, what's called rabbit? And it's actually called defy. It's just like elevators just what is that? It's just it's an elevator it's like an elevator. It's like it's actually it's not Windows second floor. Like I was imagining oh All right, it's my turn. Come on. in our Netflix, had a co-founder, and he's not a billionaire blowhard headline of the week. Netflix, co-founder Marc Randolph. Follow your dreams is terrible advice. Oh so Netflix, co-founder Marc Randolph said at Cape, Cod Community College commencement, a lot of seas right there. That the most expensive advice in history of mankind. Might also be the worst because no one tells you how to follow your dreams. But the real news here is that Marc Randolph exists? Yeah, I had no idea there. I had a co-founder, not only that I had no idea. He's the one who had the idea for Netflix. Oh, and had the idea for Redbox. He also made them real while. Reed Hastings was finishing, his NBA at Stanford and then he quit because he said he liked making things and not scaling them to Infinity, giving up billions of dollars in the process. Can we start a list of billionaire? Jason Pete. Best co-founders feels like a list that needs to exist, but then I don't really like his advice and first of all, I don't tell me your dreams. I get bored. People tell me their dream. Why we said, okay, Cod Community College. I mean that's still right. I don't know. Like Downer get a downer. All right. Let's go to uppers in our not this headline though. In our, so you called her a greasy scrotum seaward and told her to fuck herself. Oh my god. Oh wait, you said that to a man. Well, that's just too far headline of the week. Google must pay a politician 515,000 dollars for not taking down, cyber bullying and vulgar videos about him judge rules. An Australian politician of Italian descent sued Google and a YouTuber for defamation after he was called a quote, greasy little scrotum and a quote log, and he won to which women everywhere realized. Unless someone calls them a bald c word and a greasy scrotum they may never win. Harassment lawsuit ever? Yeah, this is a troubling Trend here. I'm noticing men seem to be winning harassment cases, quite easily now. It is men win while women live with it? Yeah, because the new reality, you can add the Johnny Depp Amber heard of that. Now, I think it just like, I don't want to think we're done with you. We're done listening to you. In our speaking of done in our, if Brett the Hitman Hart tags out and you tag me in all, clothesline him and then I'll sit on his face while you tickle his feet headline of the week. Oh, Tesla monitored its employees on Facebook with a help of PR firm during 2017 Union. Push. That's right. This tag team Duo incredibly trustworthy, billionaire libertarian. Diaper babies got headline, linked, when musk who's buying Twitter, whether he wants to or not had a PR firm semi invaded employees not private privacy on Facebook to figure out who to put on his enemies list because we live in the WWE which to us is WWF, I still WWF to me, let's do the math. Here, Libertarians should be pro-union or anti-union. I'm confused on that one. You dealt the workers. Do what the hell they want or? What do you do? I don't know. I'm confused. That's a question. Um, no, I think libertarian is code for do what I say. But also leave me alone. Okay? Is there? No white libertarian. Is that possible? Is that legal? There's three. Yeah, okay. He's got his guy named. I'm actually never heard of the concept. No real. I'm being, I think that's a real thing. Don't be, don't be racist. And our also, your dog is dead. Thanks talk later headline of the week. Here's the email Elon Musk sent all Tesla employees about 10% head count reduction. So this this is a fantastic email to everybody. That's what it says subject head count reduction date Friday. June 3rd 2022. No, hello no nothing. It just says Tesla will be reducing salary headcount by 10% as we become overstaffed. In many areas note. This does not apply to anyone actually building cars battery packs or installing solar hourly head, count will increase Elon That's it. You just told people that 10% of people that they're livelihoods. May end like you, like working here. Sorry, we're cutting you. And that's it. No but then you know then you later that they won't be reducing headcount it's already. Yeah and our if only we could construct some sort of corporate super team, wait we can headline of the week. The Celtics are creating a new blueprint for roster construction. Now I included this for two reasons. Number one, No, Emma's not here if you think a corporate of a corporate board like a sports team, we do here, maybe corporate boards could finally play off of Steph Curry and not be worried. He's going to shove 40 down your throat. Where Steph Curry is a metaphor for white males, CEO. You're supposed to supervise and second This article was in Forbes. It wasn't in dead. Spin. Wasn't on mba.com. It wasn't any ESPN. It was on Forbes. So this summer, when we launched our board saber metrics. Remember you heard it here? First, we said this sabermetrics are for boards now, it's a business thing. I just wanted to pimp us all I heard was Stefan Hoops. Who's that? Who's that? Who's that a new head of DWS. That's all right. You're paying attention now like my jokes just don't land with you. It's like you have you yours. Make me think about the world that's problematic. Ugly, sweaty punches of the face. All right. Well, let this one. I know you're coming. You do this joke later so mine you see which ones better ready? Yep. In our I can pause my VCR. I can pause net flicks! I can pause my Xbox. It's about fucking time. Someone made a pause button for my systemic racism headline of the week. Wells, Fargo, pauses controversial hiring policy that a former exec said led to women and people of color being given fake job interviews. A report says pause, I think they're pauses as worthwhile as when they paused their political donations after. January 6th. Which was an indefinite pause that definitely started again when they actually started donating to build Timmons and Kevin McCarthy and the objectors of the elector. So this is a, this is a solid pause. Um, I wish you'd read the last thing you wrote that. I really like that. What you that phrase, I want to use that phrase. Which which phrase? Well pause Wells. Fargo. I like that like because we get a lot of pauses in the corporate world. That's their way. Saying that we have no actual like leadership. We don't actually make decisions. We don't know what the hell's going on. And we're going to pause this. Well pause. We should add this to what we have already have a category here called with like our pledge vow. I don't know what else is in there, but we gotta add pause to that list. We asked to add pause to that list, although this feels like an apology also an apology. That's true. A pause is a bit of a, it could be a pre apology a pause. Yeah. As it's somewhere in between, we're finding the gray Zone in our made-up categories. I do do that headline. It's actually my last one of the of the day. I'll get to mine's a bit more of like a stage play that I did that headline. I don't know if it's gonna hit its kind of thing. It's probably not going to go over well good now. I'm very excited. All right, let me go. Let me finish up. Today's show. I got about six more headlines in our because they say, Hey, lazy. Who told you? It was a good idea to go on vacation headline of the week. Why this HR executive encourages her team to delete all the emails they get on vacation? Um, yeah, because these see because these emails are there, you know, they're yelling at the. They're, I like that. I like that philosophy. Yeah. Notice how I was hurt, her team HR executive, her team. I'm actually in the process of collecting HR data the chief of Human Resources offices data. So they never listeners. Have that data just sent it to me but because I can't find it. Anyway, I have to manually collect it and I'm doing it just to prove a point, which is a, it's mostly women. It's the only thing in the corporate world where they look, they get, it's actually women. It might be the only thing. The only thing, This is where we prove points. Yeah, that's what we know what. That's going to do this. I do this in the afternoon. All right? And our The first question on the test is multiple choice. It is what is CEO? Michael O'Leary's favorite word to use and board meetings is it one r two shit three, fuck or four shite headline of the week. Good question Ryanair is refusing to let South African passengers board flights. If they fail a language test, What the hell is going on? Matt, I don't know what that is sound right. What is that? You know, what? You know what though? Yeah if if Michael O'Leary wants to basically tell a whole cohort of customers, that he doesn't want them to serve them, Or we Libertarians to tell him know. Okay. in our, When your magic eight ball, says, lunch, a Twitter bot probe instead of launch a mass shooting in elementary schools probe had in the week. Texas Attorney General Ken packs, in launchers, Twitter Bots, probe after musk's public complaints. That's right, I swear to you, Matt, I swear to you. This is happening. A Twitter bot Pro, you don't even spend time on it, don't even spend time why we back to backing when we are racist, or or languages against South Africans with like mass shooting non-props. It's just you just hurt my feelings. Sorry. Ah, this is kind of a weirdly constructed. I don't really like this joke but I wanted to get this story out there anyway. It's kind of crazy in our. This is what happens when you listen to companies whose leadership team consists of an equal amount of women and men named Josh. Other ideas included, installing taser Vision in the eyeballs of all fifth grade math. Teachers headline of the week taser company, nixes idea of using drones as flying stun guns to respond to mass shootings. This is a publicly traded company. Matt called Axon. Publicly traded founded CEO and founder Rick Smith. This was the idea Merrick name. This was the idea. Using their own flying stun guns, and I would love to see the leadership. Team is 16 men and there's also two women throwing on there. One, of course, is the head of what h, o ahead of HR. The other one is the head of investor relations. So in other words, communication, no women, make this decision about anything. So cheating by the only or there to talk to people. I mean, that's kind of that if 2020, that is just straight, scumbag, just straight, come back. Look look, I'm gonna tell you, honestly, I would love if they build a taser for mass shootings, like a drone taser because it's the stupidest thing I've ever heard of and I would love to see it get shot out of the sky during a mass shooting well that's probably axon that's CEO and founder Rick Smith just bruised that you don't need to be smart to be the head of a publicly traded company and our the startup is called yellow cheese ESG headline of the week. Chipotle and Kraft use this startup to track and prove how green they are. Oh, what's the startup? I don't know. Who cares. I don't even know why that I don't know how this one made the cut. I just like I just like saying yellow cheese. I know you just like the fake. It's not even cheese. You know, it's yellow, cheese product. They can't close that. Right? It's not a real work that one and finally here we go, here goes back to The Cutting Room floor. Here's the final joke of the day. This is my I've been working on this for about an hour. And I apologize. I apologize to Allen Iverson. I apologize to Allen Iverson fans. I apologize to anyone who's too old to understand this joke or doesn't watch sports and want to understand this joke. Here we go. And our We sit in here. I'm supposed to be the head of HR, and we in here, talking about pausing, I mean, listen, we're talking about pausing. Not ending the policy. Not ending, not ending. We talked about pausing. Not ending, not ending a policy where women and people of color are being given fake job interviews. Not ending. We talking about pausing man, headline of the week. Wells, Fargo, pauses controversial hiring policy that a former exec said led to women and people of color being given fake jobs? I can officially say my joke was better. Oh, come on. That's my favorite. That Allen Iverson quote is my is probably my favorite moment of all media history. I love that. I'm just on Iverson, practice, YouTube or something, and enjoy, I love, I love it. It's my favorite recipes. We are free float. Media's business pants. We'll be back tomorrow with woke Wednesday until then. Well do something else. Goodbye.