Transcript
Live from the other side of over there, a Tuesday, Uber nugget version of business pants joined as always by Emma, Kiva ramanukku, honey, lurking and Matt brand white distilled. Oh, no. And Matt wetter spoon, raw, monofloral, Manuka honey mustardy. I'm stopping shop brand. Still white distilled vinegar, Jesus. Wow, that was not the rehearsal that was. Well, today there's a cold reading, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah, and in today's rotten apple shaped bag of nugget flavored nuggets called August 2nd. 2022. ESG nuggets conspiracy nuggets and random nuggets. I got a giggle there and one point. That's not bad for 18. Embedded jokes. I got a half a giggle. Yeah, it wasn't. I mean there's a lot of honey going on and I don't know what the thing is with. My friends are telling me about, I should buy New Zealand, honey. Why? Why know? You're actually only supposed to have local honey because of the allergen. Listen since I know these idiot friends, don't listen to my show and thanks a lot. You idiots. I can tell you right now, I'm not buying the stupid New Zealand, honey. It's too expensive. Did you tell them ridiculous or did you would you where did you do the thing? Where you were like, oh no, yeah, totally. I should you know, you're right I should I think it was for me it's more. I just asked a series of questions which implies I think they're stupid. That works too. I like passive aggressive. Let's do this. All right. Come on. Don't we have nugget music. I'm feeling nauseous and sleepy. Don't you want to pet me up? So we have no. All right, you always hate the Nugget music. So I'm I'm trying on again, very like I hate the original business pants theme that Matt came up with, with his drunk and high school Buddies. All right. Come on. Let's do it. Here it is. Turn it up. Turn our Spacex's official, response was no receipt, no return, and shut up and. Thank Elon for those electric cars. You can't afford headline of the week. It's based debris that crashed in Australian. Farmland is likely from SpaceX. Astrophysicist, says likely, likely, we don't have enough astrophysicists on the show and do we have any astrophysicists on Australian Farmland? I think the answer is no. Yeah, what would they do in their exactly? That's a good question. Your vacation went really wrong. You ended up in Australian Farmland in our weight. This can't be the same folks. He old white grandpa Warren Buffett whose business partner. Charlie Munger recently said critics of the ultra rich or motivated by Envy must be a different dude headline of the week. Well, I'm exhausted Warren Buffett's company part of historic deal after claims of racist jokes and redlining. Oh, Wait, what? Warren Buffett's a racist. Is that what you just feel into racist? Mortgage lending company. That is being. No, that's just. I mean, is it redlining to Banks is, like, deep water drilling to oil companies? It's just what Buffett invests in, isn't it. Yeah I think you're right. Yeah there we point that out. You like my analogies those analogies that go somewhere someday. This is a doozy in our Other articles from this series include one. I'm a Microsoft software engineer. It's a boring job, but I love the joy of criticizing my colleague's behind their backs two. I'm an Amazon Work, Warehouse worker. It's a terrible job but I love the joy of dreaming about being exploited by a dumb Business Insider clickbait headline. Three. I'm a Goldman Sachs analyst, it's a pointless job, but I love the joy of pretending that I work here for something. Other than the money, by also pretending that I've read a Tony Morrison novel headline of the week. I'm an Apple Store technician. It's a tough job but I love the joy of fixing a customer's beloved device. This is a, this is an article from Business Insider. What is this? This is that are covered, Debbie losing her luggage yesterday so I don't this I love joy fixing a customer's beloved devices. Any of this real I love the joy of smashing a customer's device. What job do I is there for that? I mean, look, I'm not anti-apple as much as Emma but our iPhones. Now beloved devices. We've gone this far. They're beloved by necessity. No, I didn't get an Android phone. You're missing the Apple Store and I'm not engaging with you. In our. Hey, Ma, oh, God Visa said, the suit would encourage misdirected litigation since it doesn't have the ability to investigate the circumstances of each of the billions of transactions at processes every year. I think they just invented a new category to go alongside two big to fail called two. Big to care, tell Dad headline of the week. Oh, my face claims it profited from PornHub video of child. I like that they're saying they're saying we can't possibly look into everything we're doing. How dare you How I always supposed to know what we're doing. That's their defense. No really that's their defense. Yeah yeah but that also implies it fuses. The only one the only credit card used to buy child porn. MasterCard. I think they Severed, their relationship with PornHub. So I think other companies did things, I think they figured something out. Wait, How's that possible? I mean, to be fair MasterCard is that really a thing? I thought my grandmother used that in the 70s, I don't know what that is. So close to to master bait that you think they'd be the ones in PornHub, but not Visa, but I don't know. You know, in our way in the 1960s, they were worried about the Revolutionary effects of smoking weed and now we have to worry about the Revolutionary effects of Trader. Joe's somewhat spicy Dill flavored kettle. Cooked, potato chips headline of the week. Trader. Joe's workers vote to form Union at Massachusetts store. Oh, The. I don't understand the connection. To in the weed. I think what the headline the joke writer saying here is that when the Trader Joe's employees, eat the spicy Dill flavored kettle chips, they get all revolutionary and they form unions. That one was a little esoteric. Let's let's post. Oh how dare you in our wait gas companies make more money when gas prices are higher. I'm sorry, but wouldn't it just be easier to blame someone who was pro-choice or who constructs ESG ratings methodologies headline of the week? That's a headline. That's a, that's one of that's a good one. I like that one BP C's, bigger biggest profit in 14 years as energy bills, sore The shot one. That's shocking. That's amazing. Can believe how they managed to do that. I don't know how they're living through it. They're day by day, day by day. That's one of this section. Don't worry later. Yeah, remember last year when apparently oil was dead? Like all big oil was supposedly, it's a good point. You know, it was every headline. I saw a big oil getting government how big oil never gonna be the same again, Big Oil cry to your mom about us. Like but now you know last year was that was a headline in Business Insider I think I think that was a line on Business Insider though. Right. Your mom about it. Our final one in this section in our The first initiative is called just because you can't afford, it doesn't mean you can't buy it with your debt and credit card. And the second initiative is called being adjacent to luxury should shut you up long enough. So we can take your picture for a 2022, diversity report headline of the week. Tiffany and Company is creating a vision for inclusive luxury. With a program supporting black designers and students. Luxury. What was that? There was a spread in the New York Times about how having a rich friend actually makes you richer. Yeah, so I really, I mean, duh, so Tiffany's can just be your Rich friend that you spend money at. That I think is the goal. All right, bring us down. Make us, make us for your stuff. Come on, conspiracy. You some conspiracy nuggets today because there are a bunch of headlines that just I got in my head like conspiracy theory, so here we go. in our, What's a Marcus and is this somehow Steve Easter Brooks fault headline of the week, most expensive mock us ever traveler find 1,874 dollars over Undeclared McMuffins in luggage. So first of all a mock us is what Australians call McDonald's. I think it's like Michael's Mac is something like yeah, I don't know. I'm not Australian. I'm not gonna do an accent but here's my conspiracy. There should McDonald's placed the McMuffins in The Travelers, Luggage in order to get free publicity for selling the most expensive McDonald's ever. Well played, it's the modern Travis Scott of air travel but you've been to the airport performance and you've flown with all these disgusting farty Travelers. They're McDonald's is placing McMuffins and all everyone's on are on. Let's play. Why conspiracy like everybody else? Got Away With It Go, everyone else gets away with it and this this person has to pay 1800 dollars is a result of their negligence under the third McMuffins. I like Undeclared McMuffins. That's correct, was the question for that that they didn't play. Like, do you have anything nasty and shity in your luggage, you have anything that will never buy a degree in your back. Okay, next in our you should see what our retail version can kill headline of the week. Us operation kills. Al qaeda's. Top leader, who has led the terror group since been Laden was killed in 2011. That's right. He was killed by a drone. Here's my conspiracy. Yeah, drone manufacturer Arrow environment. The largest manufacturer of military drones for the US military plans on getting into retail self-defense drones and this is their first advertisement. Kill Interlopers like Al Qaeda self-defense, drones like it like walks next to you and if someone attacks you it kills them. There's a company called size flies next to you. Since when do drones always come, well, yeah, there. Well, the Boston Dynamics kind of right there but The there's a company called sunflower, they put this pod on your backyard. Yeah. Ruin sunflowers. Oh, and the Pod opens up like a weird. It looks exactly like the egg and alien. It opens up the exact same way. Yeah. And a drone lifts off from the center of the Pod circles, your property until it gets low on battery and then goes and Parks itself back in the pot and closes up itself like God, like a Roomba with a machine gun. It doesn't have any weapon reads attached yet, but we're not far from that. That's the first mod, isn't it? That's the first thing that someone's gonna do. You know, in our it's sexual harassment. That I'm the only bald man on the management team you assholes headline of the week. Banana Boat recalls scalp. Sunscreen spray for cancer risk. So they my first question about this is that they have Scalp specific sunscreen spray. Oh yeah, well, because you're the skin on your scalp is not actually skin. It's something else, right? Is that what they're saying? It's not, it's different. It's it's more metallic. It's a man. Oh here's the conspiracy theory. Here's the conspiracy theory, the leadership team of edgewell personal care which is the parent company of banana boat was asked on their website. They list their favorite products in their bios and all of them chose either razors which is most of them because they all own shake or body. Wash except for one guy, someone made the CFO Dan Sullivan, who happens to be the only bald person on the entire leadership. Team say that deodorant was his favorite product. Imagine going out to the world and being like, my favorite thing is, I am so smelly that this deodorants, my favorite product. So in retaliation Dan, the CFO added Benzene to the scalps sunscreen as a screw you to his hairy leadership counterparts. That's my conspiracy theory. The only thing I heard there was just that you realize that we have another company. That's telling us what some insipid favorite thing or favorite product favorite coffee. First thing. Like we're this is a dream for me. You realize it's a dream for me like this is all you would like these. These options are like everybody picked like the Schick Hydro so they can shave better. Yeah. It was like, well I'm it was not as this guy's holding up like antiperspirant. Well, this is she did it point that I think we've all been waiting for Agreed. I think I'm we we're gonna incorporate it into our models soon in our last conspiracy nugget. in our imagine, if we actually recycled headline of the week, the quest to find 180 million in Bitcoin buried in a dump. Oh yeah. I saw this one. Here's the conspiracy theory. This is all real. Then she'll Venture Capital firms are now funding and backing a guy named James Howell search for his hard drive. They are back what they're paying for is ai-powered. Sorting landfill excavation data extraction hiring, they actually hired the person who found the and use the black box from the Columbia Space Shuttle explosion, they're paying for 24-Hour security cameras to watch to make sure thieves don't come in and take the hard drive, if it's found. They're paying for two. Boston Dynamics, AI robot dogs tomorrow for thieves. This is all real with plans when they find the hard drive they're going to build a small scale. Solar wind farm on top of the site. If they find it there's no conspiracy theory. Just imagine if we put this much effort into literally anything else. I didn't see this part about the solar wind Farmers. This is just the way of making it seem like what they're doing, is not ridiculous. He's been, he's been begging the council. He's in Wales, he's been begging the council for access to the dump and he can't get access. So his pitches gotten like, bigger bigger. Oh, and this is like, I'll give you a solar farm on top of it. If you just let me go this, let me get this, right? And the 20th century, we were funding excavation projects, like finding the Titanic, right? Like something of historical. Significance. Maybe cultural significance. Yeah. Now we're funding projects for a dope who lost his Bitcoin hard drive to find. So wait don't be Dopey Dopey or drive to? That's what I'm stuck on. How did said Hard drive. End up in said, It was he just too hard drives. One was blank and one had his Bitcoin key on it and he accidentally threw out the Bitcoin one. Not the blanket. Does he not have a basement or garage? You're supposed to put your crap like that down there. You don't have to actually throw away hard drugs, who actually throws away hard drives anymore, two identical, flash, you put one. I'm so confused. You have two identical, flash drives. You don't label one or maybe buy a second one, and it differently. I don't understand. They put, he put him in different drawers. Let me at most importantly, let me ask you this map, why don't you Dynamic AI two, Boston, Dynamics. AI robot dogs, right? When you know the dog is, you know, these robots are called spot. I think they are. So, were they both gonna be cold spot? Or is it spot one and spot two. Do we know how that's gonna work? You know what, they did not divulge details on that for some reason, this is We do know that his favorite deodorant comes from edgewell personal care, though, Emma. You go next. Before we get back to my Wonderful. These are just two random nuggets that I pulled today because I wanted to talk about them. Here we go. Number one in our Lina Khan Supremacy headline of the week, the FTC just slapped open door with a 62 million dollar fine for misleading customers about the true costs of its home buying business. She's on a hot streak is and I think this is just keep going, and I'm excited about it. That's all she is. That's it. That's it. I love it. I'm the only funny tidbit about it is that the company Founders strongly disagreed with the allegations but they're still gonna settle. So, how much do they really want to get wrong doing? They wanted me wrong. Doing So I want whether where's the press release that says we strongly agree that we did mislead our investors. Like do they ever get to say that I hope so. Oh they're they get to say it. They just refuse to say I want them to say that somebody say that number two in our this has nothing to do with anything except that. I want to talk about it. Indigenous senator in Australia, told to repeat oath of Allegiance after she called Queen Elizabeth at the colonizing, Her Majesty. I'm just kind of in love with everything about this. She did end up repeating herself and saying it correctly because I do believe that is the law. But I always first of all, I always forget that Australia is technically still a constitutional monarchy in part. So their head of state is Queen Elizabeth to this day. Even Canada. Could quit the queen but Australia, can't quit the queen know. Australia is not quitting the queen and to add on to this. I do think that American legislators should start doing it. For example, I will support and defend the Constitution. That doesn't protect anyone except white men. That would be great. And if I'm here for it. I actually, yeah, go ahead. How much would it cost if you tried to put the queen in your luggage? Is there a fine for that? She's sure her bones can't be very sturdy anymore. I think you could roll up and put your sauce. Yeah. Like like a sleeping bag. Like a queen sleeping bag. I attempted to make a joke out of that headline, too Emma and I All turned out, it was just me being angry so I deleted it. But I do want to point out heard that she actually has a name. Her name's Lydia Thorpe, Lydia Thorpe. Yes. And why did she say it properly? Like, she's what century is this. She had it. Well, who, I, well, I looked this up, and I don't know about Australia, but in the states, when I was looking up, the legislative oath, for senators and house members, you legally, have to say it properly, with the given word. So I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States. Is something that you legally have to say as a federal legislator. All right, back to the serious part of the show in our yeah. How the hell do you expect us to figure out how to Market somewhat? Spicy Dill flavored kettle, cooked, potato chips, headline of the week. Data Brokers. Resist pressure to stop. Collecting info on pregnant people. Pregnant people. Resist pressure. That's a weird way to phrase that. Is it okay? Yeah. That's all right, sort of what I'm stuck on a little bit honest. They're resisting, the pressure to stop. Doing it. They're basically like so everyone's telling them stop it and they're like we've resist and Wiles. Why do they want data? Why do data Brokers want info on pregnant? People just well they want date on everybody else. Yeah, I want to sell it. Yeah they want. Yeah they do. They want to sell to Governor. Greg Abbott in our Actually the queen is also of German and danish descent and the Scottish or planning another independence, vote to debris itself. But extra points for your shity floundering pun headline of the week. Fish and chips are as British as the queen of brutal. Few months has the industry floundering. It's that tastes classic business inside her? Yeah, that's yes. I know what, I think we should do a show where we probably should do a headline quiz show where we identify the I'll business inside, or not business. Yeah, just show. Our audience that show will be just one disgruntled former business inside a reporter. Well, that's our current audience. Anyways, in our I was hoping it would be closer to the middle of the back wall or at least next to that. Nice couch in the lobby. Next to that fuzzy. Rug you like headline of the week Google CEO, Sundar pichai says, Productivity is not where it needs to be not where it needs to. Yeah, I saw this. What does this mean? Yeah, whereas it need to be, it's not in the couch. Cushions, it's not in the key dish by the door. We didn't leave it there in the brand activity. Like his, the lowest paid work and the company. I, I need more specificity here. This is You know. Amazon's 2021 sustainability report is called delivering progress every day. And nothing spells, delivering progress every day. Like a 22.00 Playboy trucker hat from PacSun or a 575 belt bag made from 30%, cow leather, from diesel headline of the week. Amazon start, Same Day, deliveries from Diesel and PacSun stores who needs this same day, delivery, PacSun and Diesel. But isn't this the retail version of? Do you remember like the bandwidth ISP Wars? When you tell me when? So, when they were talking about net neutrality, like when that was like a big discussion point and whether or not, you know, Netflix was gonna get throttled because the providers of the internet had competing services with Netflix. So they were, you know, if your Comcast you're like, okay, I'm gonna slow down Netflix and I'm going to preferentially make my network faster. This seems like the that like to they're basically cutting deals with dumb retailers. To get you stuff faster, because Amazon can just preferentially throw a product at you. I don't like it. I don't like being told. That one thing gets there gets to me faster than another. I want all things to come. Exactly when I want, I'm hoping tell me which ones. I'm hoping, if Matt keeps talking about the time he's done, you will be wearing a Pax on Playboy, in our, This is just a reminder that the CEO of Taco Bell is a golfer named Mark King and the founder of Taco Bell is a golfer named Glenn Bell and that while I was researching my snide and shity these dudes sound like golfers references. I discovered that Taco Bell CEO, Mark King actually spent 34 years at Taylor Made golf. And self-described himself on his website as a radical leader, Innovation, Champion vulture expert. Sorry, culture expert and provocateur while Taco Bell founder, Glenn Bell originally plan on opening a mini golf course which is all my way of saying you might think. I'm just telling dumb and easy Jokes which I am but that there's secret meaning to my stupidity, headline of the week. How was I don't remember the beginning of that headline? That was a nice long, the Taco Bell. Mexican pizza is coming back as a permanent menu item in mid September. CEO says I got telling everyone to trust us. We know what we're talking about. We Because we know the goals behind us CEO. There's meaning to our stupidity somehow, I'm the one like Prophet your board saber Matrix data, platform about the law. I'm just trying to. I'm propping it up to say that you we know what we're talking about. Look, I'm just, I'm telling you after that joke, I expect several calls about our boards. They were metrics. And finally, In our, I'm waiting for the bad part of this headline, headline of the week. The entire lab smelled like barbecue sauce. Applebee's. Launches four lip glosses, that tastes like chicken wings. Yeah. This. Wait, I hope everyone there everyone, every Everybody Applebee's has a living wage time seven because you are about to ask about the flavors. I was gonna ask why they don't have a vegan one. How do you know they don't? I mean, they taste like chicken wings. They've eaten chicken wings. Come on here for those chicken. And then there's not chicken for those like myself, who are curious about the four different flavors. They are, as such honey barbecue tea. Sweet chilli. Kiss. You Be my honey pepper and get me hot buffalo. Those those are the flavors, that's what they went with. I really do want to know that who says BBQ, who says that? Nobody. Can you imagine making out with somebody at a first date? And being like, Oh my gosh, you taste like hey, honey barbecue sauce. It's better than the 90s when everyone tasted like camel lights. Yeah, that's well, yeah, yes, barbecue sauce. It is a little bit better. Yeah, I guess that three am PBR and camel, lights taste. The kind of gets a little nasty. It was something special that. We remember that. We are free float media. That was some stuff. Come back tomorrow for woke Wednesday. We'll see you. Then goodbye.