Transcript
We are business pants. This week on the show are fourth installment of our world-famous, business pants, corporate theater, America's longest-running corporate theater, troupe, dedicated to dramatizing, Etc, Rising Corporate America and business news from your wacky. Walmart CEO to your goofy. Goldman Sachs board of directors. We won't hesitate to make fun of you point out your hypocrisy or enjoy a few laughs at your expense as we live in your maniacal Corpus Christi. Our corporate theater players for tonight's all the extraordinary cook. Phil Haack. Ashley kutzer and the world's funniest Mark McGee Mark McGee. Each week, the business pants. Corporate Theta will rip actual business. News headlines from reputable news sources. Then we will hand those very real headlines directly over to our business pants. Corporate Theater Company who will then dramatized and satirize the stories so that the world can finally enjoy. And yes, maybe even understand the business news. Up first is a cute one. It's based on this simple headline. Google CEO tells staff not to equate to fun with money and he denies claims of aggressive Cost Cuts. Okay, everyone settle down. We're gonna get this meeting started. What's this meeting All About Boss? Bad news, I'm afraid. Our company XYZ Alpha Omega Corporation needs to tighten its belt. Were cutting most of your budgets. What? What does that mean? Well, for one, we're cutting your travel budgets. So, yeah. You're on your own there, but we have to travel to Houston this week to meet with beef. Well, good luck with that. I know you'll make us proud Jenkins, and we have to build all those bridges next week. Well, good luck with that, too. I know you have the best interests of the company at heart Johnson, but why are you doing this? Mr? Smithers. And I don't want to do this to you little doves but this is one of the most difficult economic periods we've ever had to weather. So I'm asking you all to pull together. We had record profits, last quarter boss and I remember when this company was a small and Scrappy Place. Yeah. And now we're one of the biggest companies in the world. Yes, that may be but we need to pull together. While I cut most of your funding and probably salaries, doesn't this feel to you a little aggressive? You need to take a long-term view on this? I mean, let's face it. Stop. Equating fun with money. What I said. Stop equating fun with money. I mean, what is money ever done for anyone? Anyway, well to quote, David Mamet. It's useful. If you want to buy things, you know what they say. Money can't buy you happiness. Not a know. Last time I used some money to buy things. I was pretty happy. I second that my wife and I bought a vacation with some money. We had saved and we had a lot of fun, all great examples but again we're losing sight of the bigger picture which is That I'm cutting funding and that's that. Oh God. Well, that went well, I'd ask for questions but I have to go now. Wait, wait, where are you going? I have to head back to my Mansion to pick up some money so that I can buy a new Ferrari. We're heading up the coast to buy another Mansion to keep all the excess money we have in. Oh my God, would you look I'd have you all up there for a party but hey times are tough and corn chips are expensive these days. Up next, a delightful in skating satire on gun manufacturers. Based on this wonderfully. Autumn note headline from CNBC Here's why pumpkin spice lattes are so popular. It's very simple, economic say the experts. Okay, people. I've called this impromptu meeting this morning because I have one question to ask all of you before I do. Let me preface with this, on my way to work this morning, I picked up a large cup of pumpkin spice coffee and two pumpkin spice Donuts. I passed seven well-known fast food establishments with large signs, advertising, their various pumpkin spice items. I saw banners draped over several retail stores announcing that their Myriad of pumpkin spice related merchandise is now in but only for a limited time. In fact, it seems everything related to pumpkin spice is for a limited time. So the reason I have called you all in here today, should be very obvious by now. Why in God's name are we here at the Bolton Corporation? Not part of this incredible cash. Cow known as pumpkin spice. Well sir for one, where a gun manufacturer limited, thinking Bingham, that's limited thinking, do you know that the pumpkin spice industry makes over 600 million dollars, annualy? And that's only for, about three months a year. We need to be part of that but sir, I don't think no Collins, no, no, don't or can't. We have no choice in this matter. There is too much potential profit here. All of you are the best brainstormers I have. And I want to solid idea right now and we're not going to leave until I get one. Well, It may actually help our image. I mean, God knows we've had a rough time during the past few years. The pumpkin spice Trend does exude, a definite, warm and fuzzy Vibe. Yes. There you go Samuels, keep going the hunting hunting is very big this time of year. Lots of families go hunting together. I mean, we could do something with that, right? Autumn Outdoors. It All Kinds of Kinds of smells tastes. It's comforting. Smells and tastes. This is ridiculous. Again, we're a gun manufacturer. What can we possibly do with smells and tastes Bingham? You're one negative comment away from me. Sending you back to cleaning bathrooms at the Hobby Lobby. Samuels taped into something big here. Let's keep that momentum going. Oh what about? Pumpkin spice, scented rifles. Oh, Jesus. Yes. Yes, I love it now. Why haven't we ever thought of that? What studies show that women seem to enjoy the smell of pumpkin spice. More than men, canals air. Fresheners. We could Market a line of pumpkin spice, scented weaponry. Just to women, pumpkin spice, scented Weaponry not only scented, but we could make pumpkin spice, colored rifles, and handguns for women, too. I mean, we already make pink ones for Christ sake. I love it, but we can't leave out the men. How about pumpkin spice gun cleaning solvent? I mean it could have a stronger, more rugged, smell for the men, a stronger, more rugged, smell a pumpkin spice colored bullets, a very oranges Browns. And when fired, they could admit an ultra cool. Pumpkin spice colored smoke perfect. I love all of these. And like I said, this is only for a limited time. I think that's simple. Economics. People love items that are only available for a short time. It's the McRib principal. When you take it away, they wanted more later. It's a proven fact. Oh shit. Hey, why not have a lovable pumpkin spice mascot at all the upcoming gun shows and calling the gun can spice, who shoots pumpkin spice candy, corn bullets at the kids, all the kids will be running out to come and spice and And pleading for him to shoot them in the mouth. What the hell is wrong with you Bingham? A mascot that shoots kids in the mouth? I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I got, I got caught up. We already have one of those Arnie, the AR-15 mascot shoots Eminem's, a kids, and they love him. So all we have to do is just give him pumpkin spice, alterations for a few months and we can get a special collector's edition plush toy out of it too. Oh my god. Oh okay, let's get started on these right away. I can already smell the beautiful. Pumpkin spice, cash rolling in say, maybe we can even make this idea going through the holidays. Just substitute. Peppermint mocha for pumpkin spice. Oh my God, we could just have a new scent for every goddamn season. I think we've just revolutionized the marketing of firearms. Hey, can you smell that? It's Bolton corporations brand new seasonal scented Weaponry that no gun lover can live without introducing. Our pumpkin spice line of firearms and Firearm accessories. We've got pumpkin spice gun cleaning solvent, pumpkin spice colored bullets, pumpkin spice camo where and for the ladies and Ultra feminine, array of pumpkin spice, colored rifles, and handguns. And we have forgotten all the little gun lovers. Our beloved mascot Arnie, the AR-15 will be at all our gun shows spring kids with new pumpkin spice candy, corn bullets. It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year Bolton Corporation, the gun maker that aims for your heart. The business pants. Corporate theater takes on Dilbert, Creator Scott Adams. For those of you who have not heard the latest Dilbert goza. Here's the headline from Gizmodo Dilbert, dude, declares war on sustainable. Investing is terminally unfunny about it. Scott Adams, Dilbert comics are taking aim at woke businesses. And then dogbert replies with what do you think management is? Oh my God, that's probably the funniest most satirical Dilbert comic strip I've ever written. Truly no one can riddle. The carpet world like me. Who else is even trying? Hmm. What's that smell sort of sulfur like did I leave the hard boiled eggs out again? Scott Adams. Holy shit. What was that? Who said that Scott, who is that you shall refer to me as mysterious visitor of the night. It's only four pm don't argue with me. Mysterious visitor of the night, couldn't you have thought of a better name than that? Maybe ominous, disembodied, Voice, or scary Specter silence? Actually, yes, I do like scary Specter. Well, I am a very successful writer enough. I am here to bring you a very important message. A message that we need you to communicate to the world. We Oh no, you're not one of those users of woke pronouns. Are you, what? No, no, there's a group of us. Specters who have a message for you. And by the way, there's nothing wrong with people, coming to terms with their own personal gender identity and it has absolutely nothing to do with you so just get over it. Now whatever moving on. we have been watching you Scott Adams, for a long time ever since you became a trump apologist in 2016 and long before that, when you had the character of dogbert used Trump, as a role model, way back in the early nineties, wait you're Mega Republicans Think bigger on a grander global scale, you work for Disney. We are an organization that watches and manipulates for the common. Good. But not the common. Good of the uneducated working-class masses, but for the common good of those in power corporate power, we have no actual political affiliation per se. We align with whomever, we see advancing our own interests and when we see individuals who can greatly help our cause we have conversations such as this one. You see Scott Adams you have been chosen chosen. But why me? I'm base my whole career and ridiculing the flaws of the corporate machine. Yes, that is true. And for many years we were considering doing something about that, you don't know how close you were to having an accidental demise due to a failure break. Oh, Jesus. But fortunately, we held out and were pleasantly surprised to see your views. Take a decidedly right turn when Trump appeared on the political scene. Not sure if you knew this much, you had great influence with him coming to power. Hey, I just call him, like I see him and it wasn't just your support of trump, we know, just your criticism of the woke movement in general, you'll statement. Regarding your personal bouts with white discrimination, your ridicule of the feminist movement. And the way you recently introduced, your first black character in your strip was a brilliant stroke against the outrageous. Demands forced corporate diversity. We were all very impressed, Scott Adams. Well, thanks, I guess. But what's this visit all about? Have you ever heard the acronym ESG, vaguely something to do with corporate investing exactly? It stands for environmental, social and governance. During the last several years. Investors have been encouraged by shareholders to apply non-financial factors as part of their analysis, process to identify materials, and growth opportunities of corporate Investments. It's really caught on with the general public and his forcing companies to pay attention to Social and environmental impact. X and gave an honest assessment of investment risks. And we do not like or want that for obvious reasons, know obviously, giving shareholders any extra power over the daily operations of companies is definitely not in our wheelhouse and the thought of unveiling how the corporate sausages are made for all the world to see makes our already Cold Blood Run colder. This trend could quite quickly get out of control and we need to as Barney Fife said, nip it in the bud. Oh I love Don Knotts, we need you to bash this ESG movement in all its many forms in your Dilbert comic strip. You have great influence over those in the white collar. Workplace Scott Adams, and we need to tap into that. Yeah, but my audience knows that I have totaled disdained for the Wake corporate management works. I really killed every day and they love me for it in a subversive way. I was promoting good corporate governance before that term, even existed. That's the beauty of this plan through you. We will be able to influence those that currently lean on the side of ESG activism and they won't know what hit him, huh? I'd have to think about it but the whole ESG concept does sound like some sort of liberal politics overreach. Oh, it is the very worst and most destructive kind. Well, if I do agree to help what's in it for me, we've compiled a rather nice package for you bored seats at McDonald's. Call Walmart and ExxonMobil lifetime supply of Chick-fil-A sandwiches. No fries. I'm afraid. The my pillow guy will make a commemorative. Dilbert, pillow showing dogbert peeing on the letters. ESG, you shall have your own in sell sweet at Mar-A-Lago for four weeks out of the Year food. And beverage also not included. And best of all, you'll have a one-on-one space flight with Elon Musk to his Sea of Tranquility moon base, Resort and Casino, which will most likely be finished by 2034. So, what do you say? Well, throw in kellyanne Conway's, telephone number and I'm Yours. She never seems to answer my emails done. So we will need to start this right away. And make this topic, a permanent subject in your storyline, where counting on. You Scott Adams. Don't let us down. Sure thing. I don't want my car to fail, if you know what I mean. Oh, we do. Okay, we're done. All right. Who's next on the list? Oh yes. Peter teal. We need to keep him promoting college students to drop out the uneducated, us so much easier to control. Before we get to our final piece. Let me once again. Thank our fabulous, business pants, corporate theater, players for a wonderful week, four to the extraordinary, Courtney Cook, Phil Haack, Ashley cuts, and the encourage you to be listing, Mark, McGee. We Salute You. And finally, In one of our most ambitious sketches to date a Time. Bending Messianic, look at this headline. Kellogg and Little Debbie. Recreate childhood memories at The Breakfast Table with new Kelloggs, Little Debbie Nutty Buddy, cereal Okay, let's see. Testing. All right. My name is Frederick Lumber and the date is September 22nd 1972. I am a food engineer currently working at the Kellogg Company and I'm about to record what could be a Monumental event in world history. Or a horribly miscalculated waste of time. Let me give some background. Like I said, I'm an engineer at the Kellogg Company and my main job is to come up with new breakfast cereal ideas. During the last 10 years or so, the trend has been to create new cereals with large amounts of sugar content. It's a known fact in my industry that sugar equals gold. The more sugary the cereal, the better it will sell. Unfortunately, most of these cereals are marketed very blatantly to Children slap a cute cartoon mascot on the box, and throw a cheap, plastic toy in it, and you'll boost sales. 100 fold. Well, I am finding it harder and harder to produce this kind of unnatural garbage anymore. No one seems to. Look at the big picture and I do mean big, are we not raising a generation of potential obese, diabetes, ridden cavity, filled, and woefully unhealthy Youth? And where will this end? can kill dogs, just currently producing a variety of sugar-coated Brands, cocoa, Crispies Sugar Smacks, Sugar Pops, Applejacks, and they ever popular Frosted Flakes I have personally, proposed several healthier types of cereals. Such as happy vegetable flakes, just oats, make mine muesli and broccoli Buddies. But none of made it to production none. Okay, the broccoli buddies may be a bit too much, but it at least I'm trying to Veer away from this sugary slippery slope to a myriad of Health ailments and abbreviated lifespan. So this brings me to this recording. I cannot take the time to explain the complicated details, but I have recently invented a working time machine. And in about two minutes, I will travel to 50 years in the future to the year 2022. For the sole purpose to see how breakfast cereals have progressed. I am hoping with all my being that all, the current terrifically, unhealthy cereals made by Kellogg's, and others have become Obsolete. And my dream of a healthier breakfast for children is the new Norm. Alright, I am to go. I will stop the recording now and resume when I am able to find a grocery store or whatever they have similar in 2022. Okay, here I go. Godspeed All right. This is Frederick Lumber and I have successfully made it to the Future September 22nd 2022. The travel through time went well, although I do have a slight headache and various muscle, spasms, I feel fine. The Time Machine seems no worse for wear and it is stealthy hidden behind a large Hedgerow. I will only be spending less than an hour here in 2022. And I will try to avoid seeing any information about how the society operates Etc. I am only here for one purpose to observe what the breakfast cereals are like. I have made my way to a grocery store which doesn't seem to be too different than the ones we have in 1772. I did think, at least the basic City architecture would be more futuristic. But for the most part, most things haven't changed that much. No flying cars which I truthfully did expect. Anyway, I do seem to be getting curious looks as I talk into my taper quarter. It's seems that particular technology has advanced greatly I'm coming up to this cereal here and Oh, good lord. Hi. I'm just going to record what I am seeing and trying not to mix in any emotions but It's seems that my ideal vision of a healthier future has not come to fruition. Oh my God. I, I will list the cereals that I see in the Shelf. Caramel, Apple Jacks. Cinnamon roll crunch. Chocolate Cheerios, frosted Cheerios. I know I said I will avoid emotional responses but I'm utterly shocked at some of these Cheerios was always the brand that did not give into the sugar Trend and Dear God. All right, I'm just continuing. French Toast Crunch. Hershey's cookies and creams cereal? Special K, chocolatey Delight Kellogg's created Special K just for the people that wanted a more healthy option and now it's covered in chocolate. I do notice that there are food labels on each product now, a wonderful breakthrough, but it does not seem to deter companies from injecting a ridiculously high sugar content. Let me read just a few of these apple. Cinnamon Cheerios, based on a 3/4 cup serving 40% sugar content. Reese's Puffs. That literally seems to be a cereal made from a popular candy 41%. Dear God. Applejack's 43%. Kellogg's Froot Loops, marshmallow 48%. I need to sit down. My head is spinning. What I am looking at now is really knocking the wind out of me. When these frosted milkshakes cereal. Let me repeat that Wendy's frosty milkshakes cereal. Little Debbie Cosmic Brownies cereal. Little Debbie Nutty, Buddy cereal, Little Debbie, Oatmeal, Creme, Pie, cereal, Jesus Christ. Are you shiting me? Oh no. I I don't know, I'm sorry I seem to have made a scene. Now many people looking at me and employees spotted me and seems to be slowly heading my way. I'm leaving. I have seen all. I need to see I Can't believe it. I just can't believe it. This this future cannot happen. Something needs to be done and I will do it. I must do it. I must for the sake of the children. For the sake of mankind. As all of, you know, that was the original audio of our beloved leader, Frederick Lumber's historic and world-changing travel through time that event and subsequent actions by Brother. Lumber forever altered. The lives of this generation and all generations to come By eliminating the evils of sugar in all its forms from our lives. He also eliminated hunger poverty, Financial inequality, and the many racial and cultural divides in our society. And at the same time brother, Lumber instilled a healthier way of life. Obesity has been completely wiped out as have most types of cancer and major life, debilitating, illnesses average. Life expectancy has reached an incredible 150 years and the liberal arts have Eclipse competitive sport as the favorite pastime the world over. We celebrate brother lemberger today on this 50th anniversary of his Monumental travel through time and Delight in the fact that his vision of a healthier future has come true in 2022. All hail our beloved leader and True World savior. Frederick Lumber now celebrating his 101st year with surely more to come. Hail brother. Lumber Hale, brother Lumber Now. If all the new parents could form a single line here, on the right of the stage, it will be much easier for brother lemberger to bless your first born and then throw them into the fiery pit. Great, thank you. Let the monthly sacrifice begin. Wow. Thank you to all business pants, corporate theater. Thank you to all you nerds back at home. Ari, Jesse and Matt. We are business pants. We are free float. We are bored sabermetrics, and we will be back tomorrow without this silly voice. I promise. 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