Transcript
Welcome to business pants. We are free flow. We are. Matt Ari. Jesse Damien today's podcast. Business pants, corporate theater. Let me hand it off to our MC. And get the show going. This week on the show, our fifth installment of our world famous business pants, corporate theater, America's longest running corporate theater. Troupe, dedicated to dramatizing Etc Rising Corporate America in business news from your wacky. Walmart CEO to your goofy Goldman Sachs board of directors to your botched layoffs into your cringey. Apologies our business pants, corporate theater won't hesitate to make fun of you. Point out your hypocrisies. Well, enjoy a few laughs at your expense as we live in your Mania called hypocrisy. Our corporate theater players. This week are the extraordinary Courtney Cook. Phil Huck, and the Titan of all things. Funny, Mark McGee each week, the hard-working crew here, a business pants and free-float will rip actual business news headlines from reputable news sources and hand those very headlines directly over to our business pants, corporate Theater Company who will then dramatized and satirize the stories so that the world can finally enjoy. And yes, maybe even understand the business. News up. First is a look into our future. A dystopian headline entitled. Metaverse children to replace real kids by 2050 and help with overpopulation. Overpopulation famine political unrest, the future sure does seem Bleak, doesn't it? Not exactly the place you want to bring a new life into, that's for sure. But what if you still have those unrelenting parental urges? Well, we hear at kids were us have just the option for you. Virtual children yes. Virtual children Offspring, created with your own personal specifications, regarding appearance, personality, gender and race. No more guessing what they look like or behave like for nine months create a child that you'll truly be proud to call your own. Sure, the impending and Incredibly dismal future is reason enough to stop procreating but isn't it all? So time the world had an option of having children without all the worries and responsibilities of actual parenting, you know, like the super rich, well, kids were using, everyone deserves that level of Parental irresponsibility, no matter what your financial status is. Imagine a world where you can be apparent whenever your schedule permits no more lifelong commitments. That hamper your own personal growth, you can be a parent, eight hours a day, four hours, a day or even 30 minutes every other day. Virtual children time spent with them does not enhance their existence one iota, they're not real. And if you had a long tiring day at work and the last thing you need is a whiny needy child clinging to your leg. When you come home, you can just shut them down for the night. They'll be there when you log on again, because they're not going anywhere. Let's not forget one of the most important aspects of having a virtual child child safety. Nothing. Nothing will ever happen to your virtual children. They can't be hurt. Kidnapped, molested, bullied or even fall prey to disease. They can even stay the same age if you like hell they can be any age, you want them to be and for a minimal extra charge, we will give you the option to completely change the make and model of your virtual child after 30 days. If you find something that is not quite right with their looker personality, just make another child, no questions. Asked, if only we could do that with our real children. Am I right? So, what? Are you for potential moms and dads the future of parenting is here, log into our website to see the many pricing tiers and child options. All children are available in desktop, only format 2D stationary hologram or our Deluxe 3D mobile hologram which will make you swear that bitter pattern of little feet is a hundred percent real. Don't wait your perfect. Child is only a click away. Kids were us be the parent you want to be Oh, next piece stays with the same storyline. Exploring the distal future. And covering this headline. An AI expert has predicted that virtual children will become the norm in the next. 50 years, you'll be able to raise them in the metaverse without having to change a single nappy. That type of here in the United States. an expert thinks that by 2050 children could be, shall we say different from what we're used to Hi son, hey there kiddo. Hey Mom and Dad. What's up? No. Not Much though, we'd come in and see how our son Tommy's doing. How's our little ten year old? I'm okay, it's been a while. Oh, sorry, things have been crazy at work and your father and I were out of town and all. So one of the controllers on this virtual reality headset was busted for a while and you know, you're our little AI kid in the metaverse. So without that controler. It's okay guys. I understand, I know that I am an AI child in the metaverse and that you don't always have access to the VR headset. Glad you understand. So we throw the old digital pigskin around. Sure. So, what have you been up to? Oh, not much. Still building Towers out of blocks. Hey, come on. I'm like 10. Now, I'm too old for blocks. Besides every time I build a full row, they disappear, that'll happen, how school? It's great the teachers AKA programs simply allow me to download whatever information I need and I got it. How are the exams mom? I told you, we don't have exams. We have tests data tests to make sure the information got downloaded correctly. Oh, pretty soon. You'll be going to college to the best online college in a metaverse. I'm Gonna Be An Architect so I need to design the bridges around here. He's growing up so quickly. Next thing we know he'll be driving, I can't wait. I'll be driving my light cycle around so fast. My light ribbons will stop everyone. Well, I have to say Tommy gotchi, Jones, your mom and I are very proud of you, man. Back in 2022. When they announced that AI, children would be the wave of the future. I couldn't believe it. I mean, sure it was billed as a way to help with overpopulation but I still couldn't imagine your mother and me ever doing it. But wow, we are happy. We did the deed so to speak. It sure is. Worth the monthly feet to keep you alive. Oh thanks Dad, that's a nice thing. You've ever said to me. Oh man, I remember just a few years ago. You were such a brat. You used to whine all the time. Yeah, we just reset the parameters so that you're happy to winding ratio was way higher. Oh, you really are a silicon chip off the old block. Well. Really ought. To be ball. Just got here. I know. But we have stuff to do. Yeah, I've got a roast in the oven and I feel like, I never see you. We just went over. This can Grammy come again, you know, Grammy gets vertigo in the VR headset. Yeah, you wanted to get dizzy and fall again. No way. Not again. Look, I can't have this sort of throwing a tantrum. Let's get out of here. That was awkward. Yeah wow. People just don't know how hard parenting is these days. Up soyed Hurricane. Where the biggest story from the corporate world was a CEO from Florida, who urged her staff to work through the catastrophic storm. And then changed her mind. Again. Real stories, real people rail companies. We're just here to. Fill in a few details for you. Bye. Oh, and please remember to punch you out for your 15 minute breaks. A lot of you are not doing that. Bye. All right, that's over. I think it went well. I will not let this company be swayed by whether Freddy cats not in Florida. Not in America. I mean, my last name ends in USA for Christ's sakes. Okay, almost home boy you're really is raining. I hope I have enough vodka. I hope I have enough vodka. Wait, what's that? I'm trending on Twitter. That's strange. What? Wait a minute. What is this? Florida? CEO urges staff to work through Ian. CEO fleas office but makes employees stay as hurricane approaches. Are you kidding me? Please, I'm not fleeing I'm driving at a normal rate of speed. How did this get out so fast employees. Feel pressured to work during potentially dangerous storm. Oh come on. Were they texting during my zoom call? I swear to God Zuckerberg and his cabal of pedophile. Techies is listening to us through our devices. Good lord I can't have this kind of press right now. Well never make our quarter, all right? Email. To all postcard Mania clients and employees due to recent weather events. Our offices. Will now be closed for the next two days to ensure your utmost safety during those possibly dangerous hurricanes. I have also named our offices in official hurricane shelter to all our employees and their families, in pets, one pet, and one family member please So they can stay there for the duration of the storm and that will enable them to complete their shifts and keep this wonderful company. Fully operational, stay safe xxo Joy. Send. Okay, that should take care of it. Postcard CEO, deems offices, and employee. Hurricane shelter, to ensure production, during storm workers, put it risk and made to stay in office during Hurricane. Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no. This isn't happening holy Nikes. Okay. Okay, email To all employees of postcard Mania, given the most recent updates about hurricane, Ian, all employees are asked to stay home for the duration of the storm. My main priority is that you were all safe and sound, but please remember that. You will still have to put in a full 40 Hour, Work Week, including making up for any lost time due to power outages etc. Etc. Stay safe and much love CEO Joy. Send God, please let this be the end of what the actual f. How do they, how do they read it so quickly? Uncaring, CEO demands employees make up for lost time. During Hurricane, CEO gennusa, puts profits above workers safety postcard Mania President, says CEO statements about working through hurricane not company policy. A really Who the goddamn does she think she is right? Melissa call, Melissa. Who the goddamn to you think you are Melissa? What is this? A freaking Mutiny Melissa because it sure does feel like a freaking Mutiny Melissa. Oh, the board made you say that the board Melissa the board does? What I tell them to do and since I didn't tell them to do that, I think you're full of donkey dong. Well, I was that. You feel pressured? Because the response was so bad pressured. Well, here's some advice. Grow a pear, Mel. Cheese whiz on a cracker, what a mess. Unfortunately, we'll have to stick with what you said. Now, that's all over the cotton pick and social media World, Jesus. Okay. Okay, shut up. Shut up. listen to me, put out a release immediately saying that the company apologizes to our beloved workers, who felt that our post came across as insensitive and it will give them the time paid off, they richly deserve for staying home and keeping themselves and their families safe Throwing some gift, certificates to Omaha, Steaks, too one per employee. And that's coming out of your salary Mill. What? Draconian CEO. Retaliates against top exec for taking side with hurricane harassed workers? Holy hell, I'm hanging up. I'm hanging up. We're done, we're done. They're better be goddamn vodka at home, they're better. Be bought get home, they're better, be bought get home. Before we get to a final piece, let me once again. Thank our fabulous, business pants, corporate theater play as for. Oh wonderful week, five. To the extraordinary. Courtney Cook. Phil Haack. And The Incredibles look Mark McGee. We Salute You? and finally, our business pants corporate theater, tackled this headline. Sheryl. Sandberg is getting bodyguards paid for by meta because of threats to her safety. Despite leaving the company. This is delightful piece. That happens entirely in Mark Zuckerberg's metaverse. Oh, Cheryl great to see you. Have a seat mark, I guess it's good to see you too. Not sure why I'm here though. Yeah, I'm sorry things went South with us. You know of course that I never believed those rumors that you were using company funds for personal use specifically your wedding even if you did, why would I care? You certainly know that I can be accused of the same thing. Yes, Mark I do but it's different with me. It's my goddamn company. We had to unfortunately go by the book with you and let you go to bad press and all but we did give you a gazillion zillion dollars though and we kept you on the board. You know, many things Cheryl and we want to make sure those things remain, you know, secret. You have nothing to worry about Mark. I'm not riding a book or screenplay about Facebook's dark secrets and I don't plan to oh, I know, believe me, I know what is that mean? You're not still monitoring me, are you Mark, technically, I'm not an employee anymore. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Well, maybe a little old, but we do that to everyone. And, I mean, everyone, you know that I meant that, I know you too. Well, you'd never rat us out like The Godfather Mafia would say, right? Listen, I have things to do. Why am I here? Why are you here? Yeah. Oh yes. I asked you to give you something. But first. How do you like chatting with me in my brand new virtual mid-office. You know, I never warmed up to your concept of virtual reality's. Mark, I much much prefer actual one-on-one interaction in the real world, the real world who's to say, we're that even is anymore in the real world. Can you be sitting an actual marshmallow chairs that you can literally eat? Go ahead, take a bite out of your chair. I'd rather not so good and and the real can you have chandeliers made of bananas? Oh, or a wooden desk that sings like Pavarotti or a room filled with history. Is greatest artists in military? Generals that you can ask for advice is you make decisions that will change all mankind for Generations. Hey General, George S Patton. What do you like most about this room? I like the banana Wheels. He wiped a banana Chandelier's. Did you hear that? He doesn't sound like George? She's Scott. Does he in real life patent sound in more like Elmer fund? That's a real world. Fact Cheryl. So the real world is so relative. So relative isn't that right? Einstein. Yeah, her relative Mark please. Okay, okay, what I want to tell you is that the board and I have decided to continue your personal security until June of next year. So, you'll have security for you and your family at home, 24/7. And when you travel, okay, Thank you. But why threats threats? There are threats all around us Cheryl. They're a bad people out there that want us to race from the global database. They want us dead because we are changing the world Cheryl changing the world. I know we've always felt it was wise to have security for the top Executives. But do you really think it's needed for an executive? Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Besides it's great for our image by showing that we still care for the safety of a disgraced former employee. We're bound to get some much needed a Goodwill Capitol. It don't forget, you're still in the board. None of the other directors are getting security. It's a win-win for both of us. I see, are these threats really something to be concerned about though? Well actually know if I'm gonna be honest. And I was always honest with you Cheryl. I'm not even on with the person I live with you. Mean your wife Priscilla? Yes. Yes. The older one, not the younger woman like humanoids in the house, your daughters. Oh, I hate labels. Anyway, I'm being honest with you and just you when I say that some of the threats are fabricated by us, you know, for PR reasons. some yeah, about 99.4% some that's crazy. So for years, we've been spending millions and millions on personal security, that's not been needed. We created fake threats for PR reasons not for the most part. And why not? We got the cash it. For sure. Helps our image for people to think we're being threatened for just trying to make the world a better place, and having bodyguards makes you look cool, makes the important and feel important, and it helps employee ex-military Personnel, that would probably have ended up as mercenaries and some third world country protecting a delusional, ego-driven dictator, who are presses their people instead. They're now protecting me, it's a win-win. Wow. Do I have to accept the security? What? Oh. Come on. Why not having some added protection? Isn't a bad thing? Even if it is mainly just for show besides, it's only until June next year. That's when our AI algorithms, determine the general public. Don't give a shit about it anymore. I'm surprised at the last that long. I know right? Anyway, please accept this little gift for the company for me. Oh, all right. Yay, I win again. Another win-win I'm leaving. Oh hey hey, you didn't say how you like your avatar in my ultra neat virtual meta office looking like a giraffe dressed as Abraham. Lincoln is not really my thing. Mark, you look So wacky, I love it. You're giraffe link. Goodbye to giraffe, Lincoln. Good boy. Giraffe Winger. Wow. Thank you to a business pants, corporate theater. Thank you to all you nerds back at home. Ari, Jesse and Matt. We are business pants. We are free float. We are bored super metrics and we will be back tomorrow without this silly voice. I promise.