Transcript
Welcome to business pants. We are free flow. We are. Matt Ari. Jesse Damien today's podcast. Business pants, corporate theater. Let me hand it off to our MC, get the show going today. A very first installment of a very old cooperate, whistle blower hotline. What is a corporate whistle? Blow a hotline you ask. Well just today, there are news reports that at a manufacturing facility in Texas at Elon musk's Tesla. Whistleblower's or claiming constant hazards on site accidents and wage theft. Auto is the real deal. Corporate whistleblower. Hotline the peak behind the corporates. Whistle blow. A hotline that The business pants, cooperate theater, corporate whistleblower hotline. Hey, it's me. Yeah. I'm gonna do it right now. I have a 20 minute window but from my next meeting so I'm gonna do it. No, I feel good about it. I've got to do it. I just have to. Okay, I'll text you after the meeting. Yep, you too. Bye. Okay, here we go. To Corporation an absolutely 100% confidential automated voicemail service for employees to report any type of corporate in-house shenanigans. He's hold as we connect you to the Dalton Corporation, whistleblower hotline menu. Suspicious. No one. Jesus. Come on. What? 100% confidential, automated voicemail type of corporate in-house shenanigans. And now we bring you the adults incorporation whistleblower hotline menu. We cannot stress enough how confidential this service is. So sit back, relax and tell us what's on your mind. Okay okay, here we go. Oh, you You brought to you by the supremely empathetic Dalton Corps Human Resources team. No one really cares about you. Like we do. Oh my God! Hurry up. If this is your first whistleblower, complaint press one. If I'll previous whistleblower, complaints, press 2. Congratulations. You are reporting your very first whistleblower. Complaint adult Incorporation. know, your complaint is 100% confidential and only those that the highest tears of HR will have access to it, of course, other top, level Executives will likely be notified if the complaint is deemed extremely troubling but have no fear, Dalton Corporation greatly adheres to all the current legal laws regarding corporate whistleblower retaliation All right, let's continue. Just be warned, this could be a lengthy process because we want to get every detail. Correct. So if you like to think about it, some more and make sure all your eyes are dotted, and your teas are crossed feel free to hang up now. If not, let's begin. Please know that you can return to the main menu at any time by pressing zero. You know, if you want to think it over, so, you know, Press one for complaints dealing with fraud, rest two for complaints dealing with workplace harassment, press free for complaints, dealing with corporate corruption. Rest for for complaints, dealing with suspected illegal activity included, but not limited to insider trading theft, bribery extortion, blackmail kidnapping arson, murder individual, or mass drug. Dealing pyramid schemes voyeur is a stalking and slave man. You have chosen complaints dealing with workplace harassment. Wow, on the half of all of us here at Dalton corporation. That is very troubling. We can't tell you how badly that makes us feel. Just hope it turns out to be a silly misunderstanding. Let's find out more about this potentially damning allegation. Press one for a complete dealing with sexual harassment. Rest two for complaints, dealing with discrimination, press 3, for complaints dealing with bullying, intimidation or physical harassment. Rest for for complaints, dealing with racial harassment. You have chosen complaints dealing with racial harassment. Oh no no I wanted three not four. I thought I pressed three. Racial harassment complaint is dealing with the unfortunate incident. At our recent hallowee. It is under current investigation, CFO Sanders deeply, regrets his use of blackface and will be reprimanded accordingly. He was pressed zero and return to our main menu. We're glad you decided to rethink your complaint and please take all the time you need. You should hang up and try later. That way you have pressed three for complaints, dealing with bullying, intimidation or physical harassment. I my that is distressing Did you know that 93% of the complaints filed dealing with this issue? Our proven to be false? I know we didn't believe it either, but he's have found that to be true. Studies. Did you also know that filing a false whistleblower complaint could result in employment termination? Yes, you heard me? Are you willing to risk? Your job, your future. Your family's future for an unwarranted personal attack. I should think not press one to continue or two together. Your thoughts in our virtual waiting room. You have chosen to enter our virtual waiting room. A place where you can take all the time you. Want children your parents, your co-workers, think about how the embarrassment of a false harassment report and its repercussions that affect them. Not to mention, you are complaining about their children. Their parents. No, no, no, they can't make me rethink this. I'm doing the right thing. Fuck them and fuck. Kenny G. Well, well, well you for complaints dealing with bullying intimidation or Article harassment. I sure. Hope you know what you're doing, John Bushnell department head of Dalton curves retail and Hospitality division. Oh yes, we know who you are? John we have from the beginning. Does your husband David and your two children Leo and Iris know that you're doing this job? God. We only hope that this doesn't backfire and leave your life for theirs in literal shambles. Oh, if you are ready to proceed with your complaint, please press one motherfukers. oh, She says, come on, I'm gonna miss my meeting. Oh my God. Thank you for holding your alleged complaint. Is important to us. Please hold for the next available opportunity to record your voicemail. Complaint, expected. Wait, time 408 minutes. No, no, no, no, no. This isn't happening. I'm afraid it is. John, oh wait, who's there is someone there? I'm sorry. The voicemail box is now full. Please call back in 24 to 48 hours for another attempt to file. Your complaint have a nice day. No no no wait wait, I'm not I'm not taking no for an answer. The service is supposed to be available 24 hours a day. I'm not buying this. Mailbox is full Milwaukee and this isn't really automated, isn't it? You're there listening to me, aren't you? Oh my God, this, this whole whistle blower. Hotline thing is all for show. It's a sham, isn't it? Chris one for you. Unbelievable. So, so is your job to make it so hard to launch? A complaint that people just give up throwing in certain personal Jabs for good measure, to make sure the callers feel uncertain. Is that your game? Oh yeah. Oh, you know what you are. You're a low budget version of The Wizard of Oz the pathetic man behind the curtain to be the all caring counselor and corporate Advocate. All the while you sit in your tiny shabby cubicle in your windowless office, demeaning employees at their most vulnerable. You're a disgrace, a sad soulless disgrace. Well, that's a bit harsh. Don't you think do I think? No, I don't, how can you live with yourself? Employees are in a pretty bad State when calling this hotline and, and you just Stomp all over them. Are you actually an employee of Dalton core or are you farmed out? HR, that's a joke, don't you have to be human to be in human resources? You really hurting my feelings. Oh, am I good? You deserve it. You lose your piece of shit. I only wish I could say that to your face and punch you right in the nose. It's conversation is sounding a lot like bullying intimidation and the physical harassment. Oh why why you? I guess I'll just have to send this recording to your supervisor now. It looks like he's in a meeting. Oh hey, God damn it. You monster. You had me blither on. So I missed my meeting. You really are out of control. Why are you doing this? You don't even know what I was gonna complain about. That doesn't really matter. Anyway, you're not going to launch the complaint unless you want a similar one Lodge against you. I don't incorporation has an impeccable history regarding HR grievances. We haven't had one in over 17 years and we'd like to keep it that way. So let's just say that you don't launch yours and I won't Lodge mine and we'll keep Dalton Sterling reputation, intact. Sound good. I am yeah you. Yes better go make that meeting. Then I just email your supervisors saying that it's all HRS faults regarding your lateral. You're in the clear. Okay, thank you. My pleasure carry on. Now John oh and say hello to David in the kids for me, okay. Thank you for calling the HR department at Dalton Corporation. No, one really cares about you. Like we do. I, Before we got to our last piece. Let me once again. Thank our ridiculously talented business. Pence, corporate theater players, what? They cook. Phil Haack. Ashley cutter and the Mark McGee. We Salute You and finally, Our early Ode to Christmas the greatest ESG Xmas Story Ever Told an instant classic approxi contest at the North. Oh look, it's patch and puffy in my office. This can't be good. So sorry Santa we both know how busy it is for you right now, your goddamn right? It's busy Jesus. It's the goddamn first week in November and I've got a fucking annual board meeting coming up next week. Why the hell those aren't held in the spring? I'll never know. Well, the annual meeting is white puffy and I would like a quick chat with you. We don't think you're aware of certain issues that will be addressed and and we think you should what the hell does certain issues? Mean we have a list Christ. What is it with this place and list? We'll make this quick but but these are very important items. You should be prepared for first. The board is going to come at you pretty hard about why production costs have tripled during the last year. Have they not stumbled out into the real fucking world during the last few years? Three words. God damn pandemic. Inflation is a global problem due to the after. IMac and good old-fashioned corporate greed. It's not only a North Pole problem and it's not going anywhere anytime soon. They should be well aware of that but I realize it's hard to concentrate on real world issues when you're getting a blowjob and your olympic size hot tub, while sipping cocaine laced Apple TV okay. Yeah okay. Alright. Alright look that's a great response but maybe drain some of the anger and the filth out of it before next week. Fuck you. Attitude Santa, we're only here to help. Oh, I know. I know, right. So next. Um, well. Okay, it looks like some of the elves are requesting a vote to form a union again. Oh shit. Not this again. I thought this ridiculous pipe dream was dead, and buried know, it's still a major concern for many elves. I don't understand what they want from me. They have free room and board free meals, jobs, stability. They fucking want for nothing. Well, there is the A matter of healthcare Healthcare, they're Immortal. They fucking live forever. What do they? Need elf care? Well, hold on there. Santa being Immortal, doesn't mean we can't die, right? We can still be injured killed by another hand or by disease. You're probably getting it mixed up with being Invincible. That's where you're unable to be killed, but will eventually die of old age? Extremely old age like Bob Hope. Son of a bitch. Which one am I then? You're like us and Mortal. Yeah, you'll you'll pretty much live forever, unless you contract a terrible disease or someone hacks you in a little bit. While you sleep, you know, those types of things Jesus. Oh, well, you see, he was something different entirely. Did actually die but was resurrected and, and now lives forever and kind of the ultimate Invincible. I know who fucking Jesus is. Hello Christmas christ. Okay okay we're getting off track here. So along the issue of healthcare it seems that many elves would like the option of working from home. Working from home they live 500 feet from the goddamn Workshop that does bring up another issue. In fact how housing there's a shareholder proposal currently up for a vote that that ask for individual elf. Residencies, I mean the current system is 5 elves to a room and that's considered a little bit old-fashioned and and quite confining and and privacy has become a growing concern. Unbelievable, they live in an enormous mythical compound. The rooms are larger than most upper class suburban homes. I know because I visit millions of those homes each year, these ungrateful elves don't know how good they Have it just know that the elves myself and Patch included are eternally grateful for all the that you've done for us. But we just want the ability to have a say in our future here at the workshop and and unionizing would greatly help that that's all, well, whatever. Is that it? Well, not exactly. There's been pressure from environmental organizations to have a third party representative. Accompany you on your run just to make sure that the reindeer are not overworked overworked, they worked one night a year. Yes. But you have to admit that, that one night is unlike any other, they travel. Millions of miles in a very short time. What is time mean to me? There's no concept of time involved. When I make my run time, fucking stand still and these are flying reindeer, do you want to have a conversation about how the physics of that works? It'd be a short conversation. You know why it's called Magic. These reindeer are fine. They won the fucking reindeer Lottery when they join my team. Oh, and they're all so Immortal, but they can still get injured and die. Oh, you want to test that theory right now pass? Because I'm ready to test that God damn Theory right now. Santa stop it. Look here have a cookie. oh, I don't need all this extra stress right now. I just don't need it. Okay, only a couple more things. Okay? Here, some shareholders are greatly concerned about board Independence. They think you've appointed too many of your friends as directors, you know, Tooth Fairy Easter Bunny, Jack Frost not to mention Mrs. Claus, they're suggesting that you put some regular human business people on the board. How many times do I have to say this Clause? Industries Inc is not a normal company where goddamn Supernatural. Most people don't believe we even exist for Christ's sakes. We can't afford to have mere mortals on our board. The whole company would crumble like these dry as fuk sugar cookies. Clause, Industries needs Titans of the make-believe realm and its Helm. They're the only ones that truly understand what it's like to run a fantasy based Corporation. Okay. Can you at least agree that having your wife on the board is not a good idea. All right, I'll give you that one, but I'm not gonna be the one to tell her. She's already pissed about that whole page. Three story of me and Tinkerbell last week, a story that was totally fabricated. Mind you. I went to Neverland because she was having issues with Peter. Seems he was flying drunk and killed too Lost Boys. Again, I guess there are Mortals, too. I just went to her place to calm her down and had one coffee and that was it. I stayed the night because you know how trippy caffeine makes me? I had no idea. One of the Rupert Murdoch's news photographer was following me Murdoch and all his sleazy minions are on my naughty list for Life. Anyway, things have been strained with Mrs. Claus and I for the last few days I'm sure his fucking telling her. She's off the board. Don't don't Worry, we'll take care of that. All right, one last item. There's a There's a nasty rumor that some of the cookies people are leaving out for you this year, maybe laced with fentanyl what the actual fuck. It's just a rumor but it seems to stem from a tiktok video posted by a munich-based, DJ encouraging people to drug your snacks. It was called, let's make Saint Nick lit and it had over 45 million views so just to be safe. Avoid all cookies this run, okay? Another tradition thrown in the goddamn dumpster, you know, it's harder and harder to be generous and jovial to these crazy heartless bastards. Why are we even doing this? You know why Santa for that one? Innocent mortal that has been good all year and and puts the wants and needs of others over their own. You do it to reward them. Find me one of those left in this dumpster fire of a planet and I'll put them on the board. Hey, that's not a bad idea. Yeah, we could have a contest to join Santa's board of directors like Willy Wonka did for his Chocolate Factory. Yeah, that worked out so well, didn't find kids die in that Prius. Well, not exactly. But it did ruin the company. Poor Charlie didn't fare, too. Well as Wonka's successor. He was only 11, that's true, but we're not even looking for a successor yet. Hey, you know what, we're just looking for one solitary token, mortal board member, and that shouldn't be too hard and it'll be great for publicity. And the shareholders will love that you took their requests seriously. It's it's a win-win Santa. Yeah, I guess. Hey, well, we'll take care of the details and have a presentation ready for the meeting. All right. Now, are we done? Yes, we're done. Thank you so much Santa. We'll see you at 3 for finalizing the naughty and nice list fucking list. Whatever. Well, that went better than expected. I think you didn't mention the part about the rumored hostile takeover by Jack Frost and Mrs. Claus. Oh that. Yeah, I guess it just slipped my mind. Son of a bitch. You want that to happen. Don't you don't you? Pat seriously, This Bitter oversized garden gnome. He's made a mess of this. This once revered company and this whole Tinkerbell Scandal really hurt our Holly Jolly. Jolly reputation not to mention that we're virtually stagnant. Santa's not doing anything to keep us moving and growing. We're stuck in the 18th century, Jack Frost. Now he's got some new ideas, really good ones that are gonna bring some real change. Oh, and Mrs. Claus. She's got the right amount of stock to make all that happen. I mean, sure, it's gonna get messy. Once Santa, realizes that those two have been Rocking around the Christmas tree, if, you know, does he not know? Because he's an Elf of yule tied shit, that's why. Anyway, after that initial shock, I truly believe this company will start to soar in ways that we've never experienced before, and and I want to be part of that, you should too wait. So we're not gonna tell Mrs. Claus. She's off the board. Know we are most assuredly not. Well, still up something for that directed contest, though. I do think that's a good idea to get some new blood in here, you know. I heard it through the great. Find that Rihanna might be interested in joining the board, really? Yeah, a wildly successful and popular woman artist slash business magnate That would be a major coup if we got her. Yeah, and Mrs. Claus would love that, too. We can just rigged the contest in her favor. If she's interested, I'll make some calls okie doke. I'll see you at the 3:00 then I got to send Tinkerbell a fruit basket for a job. Well done job. Well. Holy snow gloves. It was you that created? That Scandal. Not Murdoch. Oh now who's a slide? Son of that hard. Really and Tink was old to willing to help out she and Santa have a history. Let's say Well, I am truly impressed. Glad you're on board patch. Get ready for a wild ride. You better watch out. You better not cry. You better not pout. I'm telling you why. We are bored super metrics and we will be back tomorrow without this silly voice. I promise And please go ahead. Share this podcast with your