Transcript
Wmpg thrives on support from listeners and from local business such as the West End news featuring original content and Neighborhood News in print and online. The West End news is a locally owned independent monthly publication online at the West End news.com. This is wmpg Portland Gorham. It is Wednesday night APM. We are business pants. This week on the show business pants corporate theater America's longest running corporate theater. Troupe dedicated to dramatizing and satirizing Corporate America and business news from your wacky. Walmart CEO to your goofy, Goldman Sachs board of directors. We won't hesitate to make fun of you point out your hypocrisy or enjoy a few laughs at your expense as we live in near maniacal, Corpus Christi and then, If we have time, we'll check in with the fabulous mattress to see what he's been working on over at free flow headquarters. But come on, let's get to the good stuff. Our corporate theater players tonight, all the extraordinary, Courtney Cook Phil Haack. Ashley kutzer, and last and certainly least the fabulous edutainment, king of them all the incredulous mock McGee. We at business pants will now take a two second. Pause to thank these stupidly funny human beings. Thank you before we get started with off first piece. Let me reintroduce the concept for you because it's highly sophisticated. And complicated each week, we will rip actual business news, headlines from reputable news sources. Then we will hand those stories directly over to our business pants, corporate theater company and they then will dramatize the news stories so that the world can finally enjoy the business news. Up first, this headline is not. I repeat is not straight from the air fryer at Saturday Night Live, or the onion or Tick-Tock or wherever you're anxiety. Riddled Minds, find zany comedies. These days, this first piece is almost too good to be true. If you're running a theater company satirizing, business Executives, not if you leave your house and have a no is on your face. Here's the headline. Vegan food company beyond me. Suspense Chief Operating Officer Doug, Ramsey. After he was arrested for biting man's nose. now that's a headline, please enjoy Meanwhile, at the international headquarters for beef Bureau of encouraging Eaters of Flesh. These are delicious, throw me a couple, dozen more ribs past me. The crock of loose meat. Check, I need to smother my flank steaks. You must have one of these all Drew and brown gravy smoothies to die for to die for All right, let's get down to business. Okay. It seems we've had some interesting developments during the last week. Is that right? Ribsy? Oh most definitely bad times of come to that horrid little Plant Peddler beyond meat. Oh, Apparently, they're hammering cash. Blood. The masses are wising up to their plant-based black magic. They're singing it for the tasteless scam that it is and of course that's in part to our planting right? Sorry. Sorry because of our seating. Oh, for Christ's sake, due to our influence, with the right wing Community, people are turning their noses, up to fake meat company and it was a smart idea to put that maniacal idiot, Marjorie, Taylor Greene on our payroll indeed. You know and just last week she went off on her beyond meat is made from Bugs Tyrone again this time to a group of Republican you. Oh that's good. Yeah. Whenever we can get a chance to mold young minds or stomachs? Yeah that's a good thing. They're not really made from bars. Are they? Blood in. Oh and finally you're not gonna believe this. This unfortunate incident actually befell beyond meat recently. Get this, the company CEO, Doug Ramsey, attack someone in a fit of road rage and actually bit the tip of their nose off. Oh you are joking. Oh it's true. Don't listen to this. I gotta write here according to the Press Ramsay. Got into a violent altercation with a man who ran into Ramsey's car. He punched through the poor guys. When she'll grab him and I quote Bit the owner's nose. Ripping. The flash on the tip of the nose. Oh my God. That is beautiful. I know, I guess the sea and see. Oh oh means cannibal now. Oh, the best thing about that story is that the man whose nose was bitten off, is an agent of beef? No, no. Yes, he works for our office in Arkansas. No, seems the hot tempered. Ramsey is known for his hatred of Subarus. So, we had this agent poses. An unsuspecting, Subaru driver, who accidentally backed into Ramsey's car and we hope for the best. Oh, my, oh couldn't have asked for a better outcome, know, you know, that agent should get some sort of commemoration or something, for sure. We're buying them a whole new nose and a gift card to Omaha. Steaks me anyway. Hopefully this will be the end of beyond the meat and we can finally put our sights on other evils like that. Chicken Coop of Jesus Freaks known as Chick-fil-A. Oh, no poultry. I never understood how people can actually eat birds. Yeah, just simply some of those. Up next. Here's the headline an uncrewed rocket from Jeff bezos's blue origin failed just over a minute. After launch pretty straightforward, I think. Amazon founder, Jeff, Bezos likes to play with rockets and spaceships. Now World hunger and the climate crisis is okay, I guess. But it ain't no shiny space rocket baby. The headline, says it all me thinks. One of Jeff bezos's, new rockets went kablooey. Please enjoy. Alright everyone we have a go for launch of NS 23. The new Shepard rocket part of the blue origin series of rockets developed by our Innovative dreamer founder CEO. And Are you sure about this one? Yes, yes. Just read. What? I gave you Innovative dreamer founder. CEO and corporate space. Cadet Jeff Bezos starting. Countdown five four? No. Wait. Stop. I want to do it. I want to do all the countdowns all the countdowns. Starting countdown again whenever you are ready, sir, okay, five four, three, two, one pesos. Baby rocket approaching 29,000 feet. All looks good. Go. Control. We seem to have had a major malfunction over what we wear the rocket is not supposed to explode sir, and it did just that bad. That's bad, right? Yes, sir, it's bad. The only good news is that the capsule did detach from the booster and should be parachuting to the ground shortly. So the crew is Alive and Well them. There is no Cruiser. They're All Dead. Oh Christ, just what we need. Call the lawyers. No sir, no one is dead. There was no one in the rocket. It was an unmanned Mission. Yeah, I know it was on man. I just thought that that meant it was an all-female crew on man. No, sir unmanned means, no crew. Well, I think that's very sexist, word, write that down. I'm objecting to the obvious sexism in my workplace. Now, what was the point of this flight? Again, the payload contained a variety of high school science projects and thousands of postcards written by third graders from Louisiana and Kentucky. Yeah, one of our PR payloads. Oh, what a waste, you know, I'm tired of these stupid little publicity stunts, designed to capture the heart and soul of general public. Whatever happened to a good old-fashioned, risk-taking dangerous space travel. You know? Like it used to be we're playing it too safe. No more unmanned or unwanted or ungendered? Whatever flights I want astronauts on every Mission. I didn't put a lot of time and effort in designing these Ultra cool and super stylish flight suits for nothing. Our scientists don't think we're ready for that. Sir. The safety risk is too great at this point. See that's what I mean. We need more risks. Just think if we did have a crew up there today. Oh, they'd all be here. Rows Martyrs for the, cause we'd be having 10 days of national mourning. That would make people stop and think about space. Again, that's what happened with the Challenger disaster. People had gotten bored with all the shuttle missions and viewership was way down. Then the thing blew to bits and it made everyone go. Oh yeah, that's right. Space travel is deadly, space. Travel is dangerous. And those that do are motherfuking heroes, you know, interest in space exploration, skyrocketed after that. And people took it seriously and we, and we need that now big time. Sure. Surely not suggesting. We risk people's lives just because you want to drive a blue origin Rover on the moon. Are you not just that? I want Corporate Offices up there too. I want Amazon on the moon before Branson and musk start building cheesy, overpriced hotel's and electric car dealerships and whatnot up there. Oh, when I want to space station, too, just like the one in Moonraker and Astronaut Soldiers with cool laser guns. Give you All right, I'm gonna see how the capsule is after landing. And I want to be just like Drax from Moonraker. Oh, but a good Bond villain, not a bad one, bad only to Branson and musk. If I see them coming over, close to my killer space station, I'll have my Army of Amazon moving soldiers, shoot them with a space. Laser guns, and maybe maybe Jaws, you, Chomp chop chop chop, chop. Up, third from Yahoo finance. A delightful article called bosses have do gooder fatigued. They're done caring about your well-being. I think the headline says it all for this one. Okay, everyone we are privileged today to have Chester responsible with this here at Brian De Palma, Elementary School for us, special guest story time. Now Mr. Barnstable is the Chief Executive Officer of raptor oil company. That's the company where most of your parents were. Mr. Ball is going to tell us a story. He wrote all by himself that. I'm sure you'll enjoy very much. Let's welcome him to our story time today. Wow. Do I have a great story for you today? One with a kind and wise King his many happy loyal subjects and a nasty ugly horrible monster Our tale begins in the Magical Kingdom of raptor company. Land where the good King Chester rules over the contented people, everyone is happy and they work very hard, sometimes 10 hours a day but they don't mind because they love their company. I mean they're they're land and they love their King but one day a black cloud appeared over the kingdom. And in that black cloud, there was something called a pandemic, the pandemic caused some people to get sick and not able to work it. Also caused people to be afraid, they might get sick, and they started to ask if they could work from home. The king, granted, their request, all though, it brought much hardship on him and the company. I mean, land. Then groups of people started asking to be paid even though they were sick and couldn't work. So the kind and gracious King, granted them sick days even though they also brought hardship, too. The land Then a group of people, started demanding, not asking but demanding that the king, let them work from home until the pandemic ended, which all the king's scientists and doctors said could take a very long time. The group grew very angry and ugly and called themselves a union. And soon as the employees, I mean, people join the union and through nasty, smelling new demands that the king that had nothing to do with the pandemic, like paid vacations maternity leave and eight hour work days, they even started screaming for more money which was the ugliest, man of the mall. Well I I mean the king couldn't take it any longer, he said up from his throne and said in a booming voice no, I will not give in to your heart demands, any longer enough is enough. This caused the angry and ugly Union to get even more angrier and uglier. And it grew and grew until a towered above the town. Looking like a disgusting hairy monster, with thousands of arms, and rows and rows of sharpening teeth, and it light out in ears, shattering Roar that blew the king out of his castle. And into his newly renovated, olympic size swimming pool. Well, the king really had had enough and he grew to an even bigger size than in Union and brandished his mighty, corporate Power sword, and struck the nasty smelly, ugly, Union monster down and banished from the land forever. Hey. So, you know what, the moral of the story is kids, the moral is that I was the good and gracious, King of the story and all your parents were the nasty smelly, ugly monsters. Oh, yes, your parents just took and took and took and became horrible. Horrible monsters, your parents are monsters monsters and I'm the good and gracious, King who fired their asses and now they're all gone for Raptor oil company for good and I can start hiring cheaper workers that don't throw him. Possible demands at me and everything. Could go back to the way it was. So when you go home today, if most of you still have a home, never forget her, your parents, truly are and never forget that. I saved this wretched town from an evil evil monster. Let's thank Mr. Bust, a bull King. It's now, King bunch of. Yes, sir. Let's all thank King bun for coming today, everyone. He'll get over it. It'll make them stronger but not too strong, not too strong. Our fourth sketch is out of delightful. Paris France. It's from lvmh the fashion. Giant conglomerate behind such Brands as Louis Vuitton and Christian Dior Here's the headline. Lvmh 2 employees. Please take the stairs to save energy. Hello workers of Louis Vuitton. You may remember that last week? We shut down the elevators and issued the order to take the stairs. We want to reiterate that this was certainly due to the environment and with the rising cost of energy. We wanted to save money. I mean, the environment we also did this for you, their workers and for your health. As we wanted, you all to lose weight as here at Louis Vuitton. We love to tell people what they must look like. However, after the recent wave of heart attacks in the stairwells, we have decided to rescind the Mandate and we are turning the elevators on again. This is also due to our wanting to protect the environment as this many ambulances and horses driving everybody to the hospitals in the graveyards, it creates a far too high carbon footprint and it is not as some of you have been suggesting due to the amount of money. We are spending on the families of those in the hospital or the grave merci beaucoup. And finally, we have a two-part, look at a cookie little story from Fortune magazine called. Patriots staff left with an agonizing 10 minutes. Wait after CEOs email detailing layoff process. In this first, look at the story or characters, discussed that agonizing ways. Hey Clayton. Did you get the memo from the CEO? Um, maybe what did it say on again says, if you don't receive such a calendar invitation, within 10 minutes of my posting, this message. Your Role is not impacted by today's change. No way if we don't receive an email when not fired. That's right away. Hold on a second. Isn't that how every moment Works? What do you mean? Anytime I don't receive an email from the boss saying I'm fired. Well I'm not fired. Well, that's true. Then why did the CEO of my company even mention this? If this is how the world works well just like to humiliate us and keep us feeling less than I guess. Yeah. Probably. Did you get an email? It hasn't been 10 minutes yet. We just have to sit here and wait. Oh geez that's tough. What should we do? I don't play cards. Sounds good lives are wild. Dudes are high? Yeah, Fair. You've Got Mail. What was that? Well, I just got an email. Oh, are you? Oh yeah. I'm getting fired at 4:30. That's too bad and what about you Clayton? Still no wealth. I guess I'm still working here. Probably, You've Got Mail. Oh wait what's this? Just get another email. Bumping my meeting up to 11 today. Oh, that's too bad. That let's meet lunch with my wife and that'll be nice. Nice to have wet with you a lot again. Yeah. You too. Clayton. Before we get to our final piece. Let me once again. Thank our fabulous, business pants, corporate theater, players for a wonderful week three to the extraordinary, Courtney Cook. Phil Haack. Ashley. Kutza. And last but least The Incredibles Mark McGee. We Salute? You, and now in our final sketch, we go back to the same story. Patreon staff left with an agonizing 10 minute wait. After CEOs email details layoff process and take another look at this story from a different point of view. This is a highly conceptual piece that were calling business, pants. Corporate theater goes to the movies. I'll let one of our fabulous players Phil Haack. Set it up for you. you know sometimes we hear stories about corporations, who CEOs do things that are so out there that they almost sound deliberately can, I think Dealing with a hustler, a devious con man or something. Who's confidence? Tricks are very stinging. Hey, what's this meeting all about anyway? Search me a lot. Again, I just got the memo to be here in the conference room at 10. Oh, look, Lombard is Mr. Shaw's, PA coming up to the lectern. What's your name? Clayton. Okay. Okay folks, thank you very much for coming to the meeting. Its past 10:00. So let's begin. You may notice that our CEO Mr. Shaw isn't here. So I guess I'll just tell you what this is all about. Basically, we're cutting 17% of you. But as we mentioned before, he's not here. So sit tight and we'll let you know, thank you. What the heck, did Clayton just say 17% of us are going to get fired. Why didn't he just call us into our office individually and let us know privately? I don't know who is this Mr? Shaw guy. Anyway, any of you. Check this guy out. Well, I met him once on a business trip seemed like a pleasant man. A lot of cash on him. 200 dollars suit expensive luggage. I'll vouch for him. Oh why isn't he here then? Don't worry, he'll be here. Look, it's been almost 10 minutes. Should we leave? Should we play poker? All right, gentlemen, show me, not wait for him, I think that's a good idea, Mr. Clements, give me the cards. I was taking a crap. The name Shah, we know who you are. And we know why you're here. Yeah. The fire 17% of us. If Mr. Shaw points at you, come see me and I'll give you a time to visit him in his office today. Thank you. Mr. Shaw, we employ 100,000 people. Meaning, you have to select 17,000 people? How many would you like to make meetings for their? I'll start with 5,000. Oh, no Clemens. He's pointing right at you. Oh, that's me. Don't worry. About a minute, wait, a minute. Sure. I've had quite enough of this game and quite enough for this company. Payton. I think we should break for five minutes. 10% seem to be running a little high on again. He's pointing at you now like that, we all go to bed early. Let's round out Today's Show with a free float lab bit this week. I'm gonna bring you the director of the week, brought to you by board sabermetrics. Our director of the week comes directly from the beyond meat board of directors. You heard it from our corporate players that the beyond meat executives are potentially highly carnivorous and possibly cannibals. But it turns out thats not all they are because Doug Ramsey, the nose biting tailgating suspended, COO of beyond meat, was brought on by the board in December of last year. And granted a massive golden. Hello. And while that might sound really dirty, it's actually just a pay package that included 450,000 dollars in cash and 17.5 million dollars in options in stock. That package was brought to you by the good people of the human capital and nominating committee. So let me introduce you to Mukesh Mickey pant. The chair of the committee that paid 17.5 million dollars to a cannibal. That's right. Mickey represents, nearly 13% of the board's decision making power and he's known for such hits as being the CEO of yum China. The owner of Kentucky Fried Chicken and Taco Bell If? It feel like a chicken. Conscious at hand. because, Probably is. In fact, Doug Ramsey who is head of poultry operations at Tyson Foods was the Sole Provider of chicken too. Mickey pant and yum brands that is correct. Mickey himself was already connected to the beyond meat board through three other board members. So when Mickey says, hey guys I know this really great dude who has deep meet experience and has yet to bite a single face. He'd be great for our brand and we can just keep the Bro ball rolling. The board said, yes and investors were so displeased. That they voted 91% in favor of nominating Committee Member Rae Lane in the last board vote. The system works, everyone. That's been your free float lab minute. Thanks for listening. That was wmpg Portland Gorham. We are free float media, I was Madness cardi, your host was Damian rollers and our fabulous corporate theater players for Courtney Cook and Phil Hawke and Ashley kutzer and Mark McGee. Look if you like this, go get the podcast, we do it every day. Business news with all the snark, you can handle and an environmental, and socially conscious twists. And you can check out Port sabermetrics, which is coming soon, in which we have corporate board baseball cards. Metrics, you can use to laugh at the people who make decisions at the companies we all love and hate otherwise tune in next week here at wmpg, at APM for more business lunacy until then good night.