Transcript
Welcome to business pants. We are free flow. We are. Matt Ari. Chessie Damien, today's podcast. Business pants, corporate theater. Let me hand it off to our MC. And get the show going. Our corporate theater players this week. All the extraordinary, Courtney Cook, Phil Haack, Ashley kutza and Mark McGee. This week on the show, we have a gigantic pile of gold and splendor. McDonalds franchisees. Fret about. Cardi B. Elon musk's boring company, turns out to be quite Boring. And behind companies. Saucy attempt to land a new celebrity endorsement. Up first. Let's listen to two Southern McDonald's franchise owners. As they complain to McDonald's CEO, Chris Kempinski. About family values. And McDonald's celebrity endorsers. This is based on news reports, citing that McDonald's franchisees. Complain, cardi B and offset meal breaks golden arches code. Meanwhile over at the McDonald's headquarters, CEO. Chris Kaminski is taking a meeting with some of the franchise owners who are not loving it with the whole advertising campaign, featuring, cardi, B and offset for their date night meal promotion. Now, I don't have a whole lot of time for this crap so let's get right down to it. As far as I can tell, we're making bank from this celebrity partnership, I'm talking Bank all of us, our franchises are raking it in thanks to these two. So for the love of God, what's the issue someone enlighten me, please? Well, you see sir edit who are you again? Steve crotch Opelika Alabama, three stores. I just don't see how cardi B and offset is that is named who even is this guy, is he some kind of Baby Daddy? And you see, I've got an issue with that too. I don't see how these two. What are they rappers? I don't see how they are. Good wholesome representatives of the McDonald's brand and I'll second that. Bye bottoms here. 12 stores throughout Mississippi, right? These two knuckleheads. Completely and utterly violate the golden arches code, that I strictly adhered to in my stores. Oh, come on. Bob, that code, was written 60 years ago. No one gives a crap hole or about that code. Well I do and I got families coming in here, they're seeing a big blow up picture, a cardi B in the Drive-Thru and their kids are saying, who is that? Mama, can we hear her music? And it don't take much for them to figure it out either. Dang woman, you used to be a stripper. And have you heard some of her lyrics? He just ain't right. The the amount of profanity and sexual content and her song, or doing nothing but hurt in this brand it ain't what we're about at McDonald's and I won't stand for it, not in my stores and looking here as a franchise owner, I'll take this gold in Arches cold. Seriously, listen up McDonald's does not allow Partnerships with people that have the Potential risk to damage our brand based on statements they've made or their positions on certain issues. Okay? Bob. Well you just said absolutely nothing. That was no content there. Oh okay. Okay. Well what about this second part we don't allow music Partnerships with content that includes offensive language in the lyrics. It's right there. Offensive language of a Crying Out Loud by already. Went over this with Tarik and marketing. Fine, show me some offensive content in cardi, B's lyrics, then hurry up. Hurry up. Now I'm a busy man. Oh well right. I will but but you're not gonna like it sir. Trust me go ahead. and, Um, Steve, I'm gonna have to ask you to read this. I am not comfortable saying this stuff out loud. Might somehow get back to my wife or my crib lizards, or my Minister. Oh, Jesus, but we talked about this, we got a fortify for gonna fight the demons. Just goes against every single value that I have. Oh, give me that damn paper. All right, look here, the first thing I got an issue with is the title of this here, karty Beast song. It's called wop wop. You want to know what that stands for you want to hear me? Say it cuz I will it stands for Whopper. It stands for Whopper, this cardi. B woman is straight out of the gate batting for Burger King. All righty, at Trader, actually. Bob, I, I don't think that's what she's talking about here, but, oh, you're fine with. That and it's the first line of the dang song. It goes like this. There are some whores in this house. There's some whores in this house. There's some whores in this house. I think she's talking about the Ronald McDonald House. Steve, I mean, are there horse over there? Maybe there are. It's not my business next. Okay, fine. Here's another one, I said Certified Freak 7 days a week. Now, what the heck? Do you think she's talking about? Jesus, Mary and Joseph. Now Bob you know as well as I do that our stores are open seven days a week and people get down right freaky for it. She's pushing out brand next, read the part about the mom. The mom, the mom. Where is right? Right the mall. Okay, okay, let me find it. Okay, here bring a bucket and a mop for this. Well, come on, guys, give me a break. She's clearly referring to the high standards of cleanliness here at McDonald's. Now, everyone who works with us has to at some point. Make friends with the bucket in the mop even out, manages Is look, I've really got work to do. So if you'll excuse me, how do you listen to me here, give me that. Give me that paper. Give me that paper screwed. I'm gonna read it myself. I want you to park that big Mack truck right in this little garage. Now you tell me what she's talking about here. If it ain't something vulgar and sinful and unchristian like she's selling Our Big Macs Bob. All right, what about this? One gobble me swallow me drip down the side of me. Repeat say Burgers Guys Burgers she's talking about buggers, I want to gulp. I want a gag, I want to choke. Oh good, she's hungry, she's loving, McDonald's food, she's shoving it in, it's not good. I want you to touch that little dangly thing that swing in the back of my throat. Okay. Well, I can't say, I know what that means. Hmm, dangly thing that's well, what is that thing? Anyway, your tonsils. Now, listen up, guys. As you know, this isn't the first time we've done one of these celebrity endorsements. Now, I know, we haven't had the best of luck with who we've been picking that, right? No, you ain't you had that Travis Scott guy and he ended up having that catastrophic AstroWorld Scandal, he kept on playing his music. Even after 10 people were crushed to death at the foot of the stage and what about Kobe? Bryant charged with sexual assault on a 19 year, old left, her bloodied and bruised. And what about just in Timberlake tore that outfit right off Janet Jackson and who paid for that? Not just in Janet did. If you're nasty and Heidi Klum, barely clothed with her daughter, In those magazines looking like they're making out or something, now I may be Southern, but even I know that ain't right? We got to get back to this golden arches code, stay unified as a corporation, and keep our brand nice and clean. If for nothing else than for the children, yes, for the children of the children, the children children, the children, you say? All right, Bob Steve, let me get real with you since. When do we care about the children? I mean, we contribute to the Obesity epidemic in this country, we know this, we don't care. Now, we pretend to Care by throwing in a couple of apple slices and the Happy Meals, but come on. But I thought we were selling good old American Family Values along with our french fries, right? Bob? Well, that's what I thought, too, Steve. That's what we say, but you and I know there's no real nutritional value in our food. Let pedaling junk like, creating addicts out, a little children. We got pretend it just ain't us. So I say, let's go. Hog Wild use the Trashy nasty uncivilized culture we live in to our advantage when making millions on knew it, I knew you actually believe those. Cardi, B. Lyrics were nothing but smut lace thrashing. What? Wait, so we aren't really concerned with having any real family values. Hell no, And we don't really care about the children. Do you think I'd let them put 83 grams of sugar in a McFlurry ice cream if I did. So so we can stop worrying about this blatant violation of the golden arches code because Because it's just a bunch of horse. Manure, you got it? Bob, we don't give a rats us. Hey, hey, watch your language. Oh right. We don't care. We don't care. You Up. Next, we have a piece called the boring boring company. it's boring footage from a very boring recent meeting at the boring boring company where the boring team is, addressing some boring recent rumors. This sketch is based on an article called. Musk May appoint boring Company CEO, Steve Davis as new Twitter head. Okay. Calm down everyone. Calm down. Okay, calm down. Okay. So let's get the meeting started. Calm down. Calm down. Okay. Good morning. I'm Arun the Chief Financial Officer of the boring company. Hi. Hello. Hi. Good morning. Hello. Okay, calm down. Calm down. This is the Monday morning meeting of the boring company. I like to call it a board meeting. Oh, hey. Good one. Okay, calm down. Calm down. I like to begin the meeting by addressing the rumored departure of our chief executive officer Steve Good morning, Steve. Good morning, Arun. Good morning, Cummings. Good morning, Steve. Good morning Matthews. Good morning, Steve. Wow. We're all pretty wound up this morning. Cut down on the caffeine, everyone. Okay. So let's have Steve explain these rumors to us. Thanks Arun. Well. Seems that our beloved founder, Elon Musk, hell Elon Haley. Lawn Haley on. founder Elon has suggested he wants, To move me to Twitter. And serve as chief executive officer there. Wow. Huh. Whoa. I know. It's not official yet. But it looks like it will happen. Wherever founder Elon wants me. I will go. Hell, Elon. Hail Elon. Well, we sure will miss you around here at the boring Company. Steve You've been a real Force here at the boring company. But boring company is only six years old, but with your leadership, we've really accomplished a lot. I'll say. In those six years. The boring company has had six major. Tunnel projects. And one of those is actually completed. the tunnel inside the Las Vegas Convention Center. Lvcc. LPC. Lvcc. Yes, the Las Vegas Convention Center. Lvcc tunnel. Is definitely the Jewel of the boring company's crown. still, we do have our critics that say, It's really just a single Lane underground roadway. Less than a mile long. That operates only on limited days for Loop travel during conventions. To that, we say. Pish posh. Pish posh. Pish posh. Pish posh. we also have critics that say, We haven't done that much in six years. To that, I say. What's the rush? The boring company works at our own pace to make sure things are done. Right. Excuse me. Steve. May I interject. Oh, mg. That's scared me Matthews. Didn't expect that. I almost passed out. Calm down, everyone. Calm down. It's okay. Matthews. What is your comment? The boring company has also been criticized. For not having. Basic safety features. Like Emergency exit, corridors. Ventilation systems or fire. Suppression. In addition. All our tunnels are projected to be single Lane. Making it impossible for vehicles to. Pass one another, in the event of collision. Mechanical failure. Or other. Traffic obstruction. And instead. Which shut the entire tunnel section down. Whoa. Sensory overload. Ouch. Holy cow Matthews. That's a lot to process. Actually glazed over halfway through. Yeah. I'm exhausted after saying it. Let's come back to that at another time. Is that good, everyone? Good for me. Good for me. Good for me. And good for me, too. oh, what a whirlwind this meeting has been, huh? You can say that again. You're telling me. You got that, right? Well again. We sure will miss you around here, Steve. You've been a real Force here at the boring company. A real Force. A real Force. Thanks everyone. I'll miss it here for sure. But I'm really proud of all our accomplishments here. At the boring company. Especially the Las Vegas Convention. Center tunnel. Lvcc. Lvc. Lvcc. And we have more projects in the works. Sorry. Steve. One question before you go. Wow Matthews. I'm going to suggest we all wear seatbelts, when you're here. I almost passed out again. You even got me that time Matthews. Boy. Okay. What's your question? Steve. Can you comment on the large amount? Of the boring companies. canceled projects, such as the Los Angeles Westside tunnel. The. Chicago O'Hare. Tunnel. And the Baltimore Washington. Hyperloop tunnel. They seem to have had a lot of promise. Hmm. I'm not able to understand your. Question Matthews. That was quite a lot of words Matthews. Did you just read the dictionary Matthews? I tried cocaine for the first time today, apologies. I am definitely not myself. let me just say, That our beloved founder. Elon. Hale, Elon Hale, Elon. Hale Elon. Hail Elon. Our beloved founder, Elon. Made those cancellation decisions. And I stand by him. Concerning those. Cancellation decisions. That's good enough for me. All right, everyone. Let's end this meeting. It's almost time to water our plants. Steve. Keep us updated on your departure. We'll have a nice going away. Excel at buffet lunch for you. Sounds delicious. Yum. Delicious. Will do. Have a great day, everyone. Bye. Steve. Bye Arun. By Steve. Bye Cummings. Bye. Steve. Bye Mathews. and I'll see both of you at the backgammon in the break room hour at 3:00 I'm excited for that. I'm doing a few lines right before. By coming. By Matthews. By a run. By Matthews. By Arun. Bye coming. Before I get to our last catch, let me once again. Thank all business pants, corporate in alphabetical order, they all Courtney Cook, Philip Huck, Ashley Coulda and Mark McGee. Look at Today, Show with the delightful piece on this article. Heinz looks for man who survived a month at Sea eating only ketchup. So they can buy him a boat. A police Joy. Hello. Is this Elvis Francois? Francois. It is. Oh my stars. I can't believe we found you. You're a very hard man to track down Mr. Francois, may I call you Elvis? Okay, then Mr. Francois. Well my name is Felix bender and I work for the HJ Heinz company. Oh, just to be clear. This this is Elvis Francois. The brave Dominican sailor who survived on nothing but Heinz Ketchup, while adrift at sea for 24 days. Wonderful. Well we have been desperately trying to contact Mr. France while since we heard of your truly harrowing story, we even had an Instagram campaign created to find you with the hashtag. Find the ketchup boat guy and well. Now, here you are on the other end of the line. Did you have a few minutes to chat? Mr. Francois Yes, I can imagine you want some well-deserved time alone with friends and family but but we here at Heinz have a rather tantalizing proposal for you. Heinz. The company that makes the ketchup that kept you alive for almost a month on the Open Sea. Yes. Yes. Well, we want to give you a brand new boat with state-of-the-art navigation systems, so you will never again experience such an unfortunate incident Yes, yes. We want to give you a new boat and that's not all. We want to send you a lifetime supply of our original Heinz Ketchup or, or any one of the Heinz Family of chefs Heinz jalapeño ketchup. Heinz, Sriracha tomato, ketchup, Heinz, honey. Sweet. And ketchup. And my personal favorite. Hi. Heinz. Hot and spicy tomato. Ketchup blended with Tabasco pepper sauce. What's that? Yes, we want to give you these things because we want to thank you for choosing Heinz ketchup. And we're so proud that it turned out to be the one life sustaining condiment in your horrific ordeal. Well, yes, you're correct. These are gifts, but I did mention that we had a proposal for you at the start of the call. My you are a smart one. Mr. Francois, there is no doubt why you survive those 24 days, aside from the help of the all-natural ingredients of hot, right. Yes, forgive me the proposal. So, Mr. Elvis Francois, we here at the HJ. Heinz company would like to offer you the position of h j. Heinz company, Goodwill Ambassador for the next five years. Well, that would entail you being our very public spokesman for Heinz, Ketchup. You'd be featured in an extensive advertising campaign commercials TV and radio Supermarket displays as well as numerous public appearances across the world. And if this campaign proves successful, there could be plans in store to make you. The the permanent face of the Heinz Ketchup products. We also understand that you have been contacted by various publishing houses with book offers and Heinz would love to be a part of those deals and and also part of any potential moving negotiations. That would certainly come out after you see. Mr. Foxworth we want you to become synonymous with Heinz Ketchup, you know, just like ET and Reese's Pieces. So what do you think, Mr. Francois. How would you like to be the Heinz companies? Very own ET? Compensation. Well Mr. Francois Heinz believes that the brand new boat with the state of the art, navigation systems. Plus the lifetime supply of Heinz ketchup's products is Quite a substantial compensate? Yes. No, I did say that. Those were Gifts, Mr. Franz what? My you are much more business savvy than I expected, Mr. Franco, but yes, yeah. Yes. No. The boat and ketchup products are a gift. Yes. But but in return, Heinz company expects a small amount of publicity on your part. I mean, we believe that's only fair. Wouldn't you say so Mr. Francois. we understand that you need to provide for your family, but Surely that lifetime. Supply of Heinz products can help with that. I mean, it kept you alive, didn't I? Okay. Okay Mr. Franco come down please. Perhaps something can be worked out regarding a compensation package. In addition to the to the boat and the cat but catch up products. Look. This is a wonderful opportunity for you, Mr. France. Well, and this will take you all over the world. can I tell you what the advertising department is already cooking up, like, Okay, we'd love to put the image of the word, help you scrolled on your boat to attract Rescuers on each bottle of Heinz ketchup. And well, we'll have it. Look like there's a message in the bottle. I think it's a brilliant concept and just one of the many wildly creative ideas that we have. Oh, I understand that you still have that bottle of ketchup. Is that true? Mr. Francois One, wonderful. Well, we asked you to keep that in a safe place. Mr. France, what we would love you to bring that everywhere. You go, we'll make that puddle be a prize. Relic more popular than the Ark of the Covenant. Say, I got an idea. Could you take a quick photo and send it to me? Yes, send me a picture of the bottle. Yeah, I'd love to see it. Great. All right, I'm gonna put you on hold for second. What? That's a hotspot. It's not Heinz. It's a goddamn hunt bottles. All right. Thank you. Okay. All right, I'm back, Mr. Francois. Oh, thank you so much for that photo. Yeah, say you listen, could you could you, please wrap up that bottle and and send it to us immediately know, you know, what better yet will send a representative to pick it up ourselves and we don't want anything to happen to this wonderful piece of History. Do we? Yes. No, no. Just just put it somewhere safe until till we can get there. Yeah. Thank you, Mr. Francois. Yeah. So so do we have a deal? Yeah. Yeah we will come up with a definite compensation package for you as soon as we receive that bottle, you know. In fact, I'm coming down myself to retrieve the bottle and bring all the necessary paperwork to get this Arrangement started. Oh, okay, Mr. Francois. Yeah. Yes. All bring the boat and, and the first shipment of ketchup bottles. Do we have a deal? Mr. Francois. Okay, so I'll be there as soon as I can. Mr. Fonts why? And if you can please stay inside your home and and do not have any contact with anyone especially of the advertising variety. There are many untrustworthy people out there, Mr. Francois. And we and we don't want them getting their claws on our official Heinz company. Goodwill Ambassador. Now do we okay I'm leaving now Mr. Francois. Yeah I'll see you soon. Now. Stay inside, pull the shades down. Do you have Shades? Well we'll lock your door and and don't answer the phone. Oh, I'm unless it's me. Of course. Felix Bender. I did say that didn't I? And I'm sure I we're exactly. Are you Mr? Francois. Dominican Republic, right? Right. Of course I've actually been there or was that Costa Rica? Who cares doesn't matter. Hey, why don't we just stay on the phone until I arrive. How's your work been? Mine's been good. Is it warm there now? Yeah, I'm packing shorts. Should I wear flip-flops? What should I bring up from? Certainly bring Shades if you don't have it. No, okay, we are bored super metrics and we will be back tomorrow without this silly voice. I promise And please go ahead. Share this podcast with. Your pal.