Transcript
Welcome to business pants, free floats, daily podcast, covering all things business news, all things, ESG news, all things corporate woke Wars. The Geniuses here at free flows. Ari, Jesse. And Matt believe in this stuff so much that they made a product to sell directly to you. It's called board sabermetrics. And it puts the who back into ESG. It's Tuesday, which means it's time for our business pants. Corporate theater America's longest running corporate theater troupe dedicated to dramatizing and satirizing business news headlines. Two special news items this week before we get started the business pants, corporate theater, welcomes, seasoned, comedy sketch, and comedy improv veteran, Molly, McGill, welcome Molly and second business pants, corporate theater, will be performing live on stage in June, in the great city of Portland, Maine more details to come. If you were looking for a weekend, getaway from your corner office suite, high above Madison Avenue. But come on, let's get to the good stuff. Our corporate theater players. Tonight are the extraordinary Courtney Cook. Phil Haack, Ashley kutzer, Mark McGee and Molly McGill. This week on the show. Pepsi's new logo is a subliminal war on sugar. The United Nation's food, Chief says, billions of dollars are needed to avert unrest and starvation. And the founders of the United States of America, create a loophole to avoid Ron DeSantis. Up first. The worldwide sugar Lobby. Discusses Pepsi's new logo. Meanwhile, in the bowels of the worldwide sugar Lobby lair in gestate, Switzerland. Oh, alright. Alright, agent Persimmons. Repeat. What you just said say that again. Slowly. Take a breath here. Have some Slurpee. I think you Changing. There's no go. The Pepsi word Mark has been placed back into the companies old yin yang, Globe concept. He accepted. They used to color black tip, portrait the globe. Okay, okay, I don't see. Number one, listen to me. They use they use black the same color from from the Pepsi Zero sugar. Oh God, I know has me a cupcake person and will you sure. You see it cuts right here through the red white and blue palette to bind the brand together. But the black starts with the word Mark and then it outlines the globe, it's just simply distance, Pepsi, association with sugar. Oh, sneaky bastards throw me one of those cupcakes, too pleased. It's a cheap low, right? Mind control tactic, but it's seemed to work. With Pepsi, Zero, sugar sales were thrown through the roof. Almost beating the regular Pepsi Brands. This is not good. This is definitely not good. Number two, why is PepsiCo doing this? We've had a agreements with them. For decades signed in blood agreements. Passed the milk Dudley's and doesn't surprise me really number one, Pepsi goes been trying to distance himself from sugar for some time now they sold up their juice Brands trappy cannot and naked in 2021 and And diverted more resources into its concentrate, base SodaStream platform. Oh, it's no doubt they've seen that. Disgusting statistic. That 30% of gen Z is avoiding sugar altogether. Yes, and that's a totally fake and improving statistic. I mean there's not enough for God's sake. Not a congressional here. Yes, I'm so I'm so sorry. I'm so used to denying this facts as well. That's the more than ever. Christ. We're out of Eminem's. Bringing more I'm so easy. When we can just pay off a few trusted researchers, just for rent. Harmony thousand we've paid for influential research in the 1966 to downplay the link between sugar and coronary heart disease and said, point the finger at fat was probably the best investment we ever made. Oh, and for almost 50 years at worked, the spotlight was off sugar, and we can insert ourselves into practically, every food product on the market without fear, no idea. How many products sugar was in back. Then, in their little self-absorbed, Suburban March, we were only in the class of items. Desert candy, ice cream cookies. So does certain cereals catch up my barbecue sauce, fruit juices, spaghetti sauce, or low fat yogurt. That's me of a few pics. He says, will you, oh, which it was truly the golden years for us, that's Also, and our two most important alliances began when high fructose corn syrup appeared on the market, we quickly aligned with Worldwide corn Lobby, and they agreed to take the fall. If there were ever Rumblings about Sugar's impact on health, even even if they got all the bad press, it was still a win-win for both of us. They were in more food products than we were. But we both had the same goals to get these two highly addictive sweeteners inside every living human being on Earth. And Seen amounts of money doing it. Yeah, and then came our most lucrative Alliance of all our secret partnership with the American Healthcare System, Bravo, you're here, no individual, or institution has garnered them more profits than the world's sugar Lobby. No one diabetes, hypertension, heart disease, weight gain liver disease cancer. We provide a constant flow of patience to this money-making Behemoth, and they would be nothing without us, and I'm not even mentioning the American Dental Association. Good, God, we are providing a valuable service. We're providing jobs for millions of Health Care Professionals of every time and not to mention all the millions of Clerks Financial experts, insurance providers, and weight loss industry. All of these people would be out on the street of the nation was healthy and sugar free. Think about that are those Belgian waffles done yet? Oh, give me one of those two. Oh, indeed, yes, it's been a wonderful quid pro quo partnership for many years and we are not ending. Not now they've helped downplay their risks of sugar in the past and we will have them start doing that more diligently now, When they're sugar-free phase began. We were able to rely on artificial sweeteners. Most people had no idea, they were even in their food or drinks. Yes. But this is different now, there are more movements out there, they're demanding, the products, be free of sweeteners, altogether, natural or otherwise. No no, this is much more diabolical than past so called Health movements. I have a feeling this will be our biggest fighting yet, but then whatever shall we do. Can you pass me to Voice. Oh, agents to me. We need a massive disinformation sweep. I have anyone. We can lobbyists researchers. Corporate Executives. Average is money is No Object. And if there is any push back from any of them or the entire sugar movement, kill them, kill them all. I've been waiting for that or whatever he well I put it off because we've been able to control things so well up to now. Oh sir, you've always you always wearing old softy at heart. Yeah I'm not putting up with that to happen for years too. Always hated Persimmons but you got blood all over the glaze declares oh just lick it off. Listen this is no time to be soft. Number two, this is, this is a war and we are not going to lose. Damn it. It's time for my insulin. It's so much easier to take it this way with a straw. oh, that hits the spot. That's me some I'm sure I'm due for a dose. Oops, I feel my blood pressure going up. Murder always does that to me here. Have some of my baby blockers. I have them covered and white chocolate. They go down a lot. Oh yummy. Oh god. Dammit my left side went numb again. I do not need another stroke this week. Thank you very much. I wish I can help you but I just wouldn't blah and that clock home is. Can't keep my house today. Well, don't trip over my prosthetic leg. It just popped out again. Like, I guess I need a bigger size. What do you think of these new electronic real chairs? I don't think the couple holders are big enough. Oh, I agree. And not enough storage for IVs. Oh, look, it's lunch time. Let's head to the cafeteria. It's orange glazed. Chicken with sugar peas. Today, you'll have to pull me with you. I can't see shit right now. Okay, hold on. Okay, here we go. Up next two, friends. Discuss what it means to be a billionaire. What it means to feed millions of hungry people, and what it means to look like Michael, Sarah, So, without billions of dollars used to feed millions of hungry people, the world will see Mass migration to stabilize countries and starving children, and adults in the next 12 to 18 months. That's what the head of the United Nations world food program just said last week, Haha. That's a pretty big deal, don't you think what? I'm sorry, sorry, I say that again. I wasn't listening the head of the United Nations world, food program said, last week, that with that, billions of dollars used to feed millions of hungry people, the world will see Mass migration to stabilize countries and starving children, and adults in the next 12 to 18 months. Yeah. Yeah, that's a big deal in the long term. He said, what he really liked to see is billionaires using their experience and success to engage in the world's greatest need and that is food on the planet to feed eight billion people with 400 trillion dollars worth of wealth on the planet. He said there's no reason for any child to die. Of starvation. Have you seen the new Bobby trailer? It's pretty funny. Have I seen the new Barbie trailer? Yeah. Yeah. They made a movie about the Bobby doll with Margot, Robbie and Ryan Gosling and looks cheesy as hell. You're not listening to me at all. Don't look up from your phone. What am I wearing? Oh, what are you wearing? Don't look up. What am I fucking wearing? Oh, I don't know. A bass shirt jeans a bay shirt. What the hell is a beige shirt, tan? Khaki, you wearing a khaki shirt? I'm wearing a black hoodie. A green shirt and khaki pants. All right. See I was close. The world's greatest need is to feed eight billion people with 400 trillion dollars worth of wealth on the planet. There's no reason for any child to die of starvation. I heard you. That's terrible. I'm not a billionaire though. You can still do something about it. I can still do something about it. We we can pressure these billionaires into helping with this problem. A lot of people like us pressure billionaires. I guess. It depends on the billionaire, like the ones that own social media, we could definitely pressure them. Oh, by not using social media. Exactly. Why would a billionaire want to focus on that Halo shallow world of social media. Anyway, there's so many things you could change. If you're a billionaire that would positively affect the lives of others, Musk wants to go to Mars. Well, I think Bezos does too. How will that help anyone in this world right now? Well in case this world blows up or drives up or I don't know burns down you know we'll have another place to go. Humans can't live on Mars. Not without heavily protective suits. We definitely can't breathe on Mars. And the climate is not ideally either. Well, the pictures look like Arizona. Centennials down the line does nothing but boost a billionaires ego makes him think that they're creating a legacy that people will admire and future Generations. What about people hurting now, what about these people that need our help in the next 12 to 18 months. It doesn't help them. I get it. Do you know who Norman? Borlaug was Uh, the artist who painted those pictures of people in the 30s know, I think, I mean Norman Rockwell. Although that was a horrible description. No, screw you Norman. Borlaug was a biologist at high yield disease resistant, wheat varieties. During the mid-20th century he introduced these wheat varieties to countries that greatly needed food as a result Mexico. Became a net exporter of Wheat by 1963 and by 1970 weeds nearly doubled in Pakistan and India, greatly improving, the food security. And both those Nations borla was credited with saving over a billion people worldwide from starvation, a billion people and he was a billionaire know, that's the thing he wasn't but he made such a difference. Nonetheless, he saves so many lives and he looked at the age of 905 too. I mean, what a life. And what a legacy? Yeah, pretty cool. I mean to know that you helped so many in your own lifetime. That, I mean, that must have been pretty cool. Just think if he was a billionaire, this world would probably be a very different place now, and we wouldn't have millions of hungry people. Yeah, you don't know that. I mean, maybe if he had a billion dollars, we'd want to grow crops on Mars, maybe having all that money gives you loftier goals, you know, more long-term goals, what's more long-term than saving millions of people's lives? Yeah but this Borat guy warlock. Yeah, yeah Bulldog. Yeah he did all that stuff without having billions of dollars I mean maybe billionaires focus on doing stuff that requires billions of dollars you know like space stuff and creating fake realities in their social media platforms. That have absolutely no helpful impact on society. Sorry, I don't buy your theory, the overwhelming majority of billionaires using their money for ego building projects. Most of focus on The Faraway future and not helping the common man right now. Oh my God. Michael Sarah is in the new Bobby movie. Fuck the Barbie movie. We should we should have a bore log movie. Why is there never been a movie about Norman Borlaug? Does Michael Serra look like Bulldog? That sentence is you in a nutshell? Well, I don't know what that means, but I'm hungry. Let's go eat. What? A perfect way to end this conversation. Thank you. You should be in the Barbie movie. Thank you again. I, I think you don't think that's the point. Yeah, well, so you brilliant, you could be a billionaire, you could be Bora, Bora Bora. I know what I said. Before I get to our last catch, let me once again. Thank our business pants, corporate theater in alphabetical order. They all Courtney Cook Philip Hawk. Ashley, could Mark McGee and Molly McGill. And Today show with a history lesson, shall we? we are sick and tired of schools, accusing us of leaning, more on butter jokes, then on drafting the Declaration of Independence jokes, So, here you go, schools. meanwhile in 1776 at a gathering that never actually happened but will hear for the purposes of satire And further support of this declaration with a firm, Reliance on the protection of Divine Providence. We mutually pledge to each other, Our lives, our fortunes, and our sacred honor. And that concludes the reading of the Declaration of Independence. Thank you, all 56 of you here in this room. Not only for signing this, but for coming up to my house Monticello here in Virginia to have a party to toast. The most important of documents. I must say, I think I speak for everyone here. When I say that you've done a very lovely job with this Jefferson, it is my distinct pleasure to be amongst the 56th gentleman to have signed such a document. Well, thank you, John Adams. That really means a lot here. You really ought to be president one day you should too although not before I do, seriously. Tom, my boy, I love the language. You employ. Oh, Indeed, I love that bit that you wrote, which bit is that Benjamin Franklin. You know, that we hold these truths to be self-evident. I love That it looks are foolish enough to miss things that are self-evident really sticks it to him. You know what I mean? Well, I was not intending to be insulting to the British. That's more your style, Ben Franklin's a bit. Well let's let it happen, right? Oh, indeed, but more than that, I really love how stirring the whole thing is, how evocative the language and most importantly just how incredibly final at all. Is final, why? Absolutely, it's an unequivocal break from England, the king, and the crown. I agree. You do been certainly, it's phrases like it is our right. It is our duty to throw off such government. That makes it so clear to the entire world that we are breaking our ties with the English Monarchy and we will never have anything whatsoever to do with them ever again, you think so? Oh absolutely. Thomas my good, man. I was that Josiah Bartlett. I mean, it doesn't get any clearer than this bit here. Where you say, we therefore solely declare that these United Colonies are free and independent states, that they are. Absolved from all allegiance to the British crown. I mean, How much clearer can a guy? Get telling the whole world that we will never have any need to have anything to do with the crown again? Am I right? Can I add something? Tommy? My dude. Well, of course Samuel Adams the bit right after where you say oh, All. Blue connection between us in the state of Great. Britain is an ought to be totally dissolved. I mean, it doesn't get any clearer than that. We are severing all ties, and that we don't even need to do so much as mention the English or the English Partners ever again. Thank you gentlemen. Thank you all. I'm glad you liked my writing and well, I'm, I'm hoping this has the desired effect on our British overlords. Oh, wait. Wait, X Overlord. Yes, you're right. X overlords indeed. But I must say Been awfully quiet there Button Gwinnett. What? What's that? Always pensive. This one. What's on your mind button? Hmm. Well, okay, can I just say hear me out? Oh here it comes. What's wrong with the Declaration of Independence Button? Gwinnett, nothing nothing's wrong with it. I'm just wondering whether we have to sever ties with Great Britain so finally in absolutely but maybe this has escaped you. But that's literally the point of this document early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy wealthy. And wise looks like you've been hit in the hay. Pretty late there button late to rise and late to bed. Make some man as lacking in wisdom is Button Gwinnett Mickey would you guys just listen to me for like five seconds where we're sorry button? Continue Listen, I'm just wondering and I'm thinking out loud here, but, but I'm just wondering if we may ever need a connection to the crown again. And what absurd world, would we ever need to be connected to the crown button? Okay, well, suppose just suppose for a minute that I don't know. Let's just say another breach of power occurs, like a big breach of power not from a king but like let's say a governor of one of our states, which state exactly, it doesn't matter which state, any state, you know, North Carolina, South Carolina. My very own Georgia or a futuristic south of Georgia. Oh, here we go again, we give up on trying to make Florida State Button Gwinnett making Florida State's, never gonna happen who let you in here. Lachlan McIntosh, who let him in here. He's always going on about invading, British Florida and making it. State and whatnot gentleman. He's gonna try to make me invaded. I just know. Would you shut the hell up Lachlan God you're so annoying. Sometimes gosh invading Florida is going to be a disaster Button Gwinnett. Mark my fucking words. You mean British Florida. It'll be a state. I promise you whatever. Continue Button Gwinnett. Thank you. Anyway, just suppose that the governor of this state, really oversteps his bound, you know, like because of a feud or something with a really successful company. What are you talking about a company? So successful, it is its own town fanciful. This is absurd and fanciful. Even for me Monfils, let's hear him out. Continue button. Whoa, what is this Feud about man asked? I don't know, like for some reason, the governor's against gay people or people standing up for those who have been marginalized, and this company won't stand for and they do say gay and they are woke waiting up. Early makes a man. Hell yeah we we get it been thank you very much and can continue button when it. So this Governor oversteps his bounds by well let's say. Putting his own board of directors in charge of this company's self-governed tax Zone, okay? I'm with you, that wouldn't be okay. Well certainly not especially in light of this document here which Champions liberty and the pursuit of happiness agree. In this hypothetical and completely unbelievable scenario. This Governor is completely overstepping his bounds and should be stoned. Okay, good. So we're on the same page. Well, what is this company supposed to do to quote Utah? Win a long train of abuses and usurpations pursuing invariably the same object. If this is a design to reduce them under absolute despotism, it is their right. It is their duty to throw off such government and to provide new guards for their future security. Okay, yes, we're with you, but I'm good at but, but what does this have to do with the crown in the King of and Great Britain. Well, I'm saying, look, I know we want to separately with Great Britain and the crown completely but completely but, but maybe we should leave in a, I don't know, like a little loophole of some kind, a loophole. Oh, I like loopholes I'm listening just so that when this hypothetical governor in this hypothetical State tries to put his own hypothetical board in charge of this hypothetical company, self-governed Tech Zone. I'm just wondering whether it might not be prudent to allow the the hypothetical company to well invoke the Royal lives Clause as there is in Britain, whoa, Royale lives close. Yeah, the company before this despotic Governor Overlord can put his own board in the company and its former board can sign an agreement. Gives this company the ability to build say a high-density projects and buildings of any height and to sell or assign development rights without board approval. And that this company's control may only be terminated two decades. After the death of the last survivor of the descendants of whoever is King, as of the date of the Declaration, I mean, it wouldn't be prudent to, I mean, yes, let's sever ties, let's sever ties, all day long, let's sever them with all with Britain and never have anything to do with them again, except well. Can we at least just have this? Stick around just in case this sort of thing ever happens. I get it. So that the people in charge of this company can continue to have control over that company basically forever. But without using those terms by linking themselves, to the longevity of the Royal bloodline of Great Britain. Oh it's a pretty good loophole. All admit. I don't know, guys. You think we should put this in the Declaration of Independence and gum the whole thing up. Where would it go? What like, we, therefore solemnly publish and declare that these United Colonies are free and independent states, that they are. Absolved from all allegiance to the British crown and that all political connection between them and the state of Great, Britain is an ought to be totally dissolved. Except when a state's Governor is overstepping, his bounds and trying to shove his political agendas down the throats of a successful company. And then we want to keep a link to the crown so that they can control their company for a long time and use the crowns, probably continue to existence as the timeline for which they can control it. Doesn't exactly roll off the tongue. Does it know maybe Franklin can punch it up, you know, like one of his concise witticisms in his Poor Richard's Almanac. What do you say been? Oh, why thank you for your face in me? Gentlemen, no, no, but I think not I mean, I'm good but I can't package up an elephant into a bread box. Listen button, we appreciate your concerns, we really do but but honestly not only is such an event really a small portion of our Absolution with Britain but it's also very unlikely that it will ever be necessary. She and we really want this severing of ties with Great Britain in the crown to be absolute final and unequivocal. Yes, no Loose Ends shocks. Like, no ties with him. And no. Need to ever mention them again, ever, ever, at all, in our future? No, I get that. No, I really do is It's fine. And honestly, I am sure that in the future. Should this need ever occur? This hypothetical company will be Savvy enough to invoke. This Royal lives claws on their own I suppose. And in their case, when you want something super badly, no matter who you may be, it'll come true, not your best adage, I'll be honest. Benji know you're right, I can maybe rethink the wording of that one, When You Wish Upon a Star makes no difference to you. We are bored super metrics and we will be back tomorrow without this silly voice. I promise and please go ahead. Share this podcast with. Your pal. Know.