Transcript
Welcome to business pants, free floats, daily podcast, covering all things business news, all things, ESG news, all things corporate woke Wars. The Geniuses here at free flow. Ari, Jesse. And Matt believe in this stuff so much that they made a product to sell directly to you. It's called board sabermetrics. And it puts the who back into ESG. It's Tuesday, which means it's time for our business pants. Corporate theater America's longest running corporate theater troupe dedicated to dramatizing and satirizing business news headlines. But come on, let's get to the good stuff. Our corporate theater players. Tonight are the extraordinary Courtney Cook. Phil Haack, Ashley kutzer, Mark McGee and Molly McGill. I'm in a hurry to get things done. Oh I rush and rush until last no fun this week on the show we tackle Elizabeth Holmes transformation into Liz Holmes. All three of our segments are based on a controversial New York Times article from last week called Liz Holmes. Once you to forget about Elizabeth, the black turtle necks are gone. So is the voice as the convicted, there are no founder a way to prison. She has adopted a new persona devoted mother. We are providing a Jeepers look into this transformation. Including auditions for a new voice. And an intimate conversation between Elizabeth Holmes and her mysterious husband. But up first, let's take a look at how this transformation began in the first place. In a sketch called the making of Liz. You. This, this isn't over Christ 6 Billy. Did you eat the? Last pickled Pig's foot. Sorry babe, I had a nibble then used it as a teething ring for the baby, teething ring. Which one is teething? Oh, I don't remember the names. I think it's the newer one. Yeah, it's the newer one. Damn it. Could my dick get any worse? Maybe, I can help. Who the who the fucking hell? Are you? My name is Anton, just and on and I help people people. Like you Billy Billy. He can't hear you. That last pickled Pig's foot contained. A mild sedative he in the baby will be out for quite a while. What the I don't. I am not here to hurt. You only help you but you must focus on my every word. My time is precious and I never repeat myself. Do you understand I guess? Sure, my talent is completely changing public. Personas of Scandal, scarred celebrities. And you my dear are a scandal scarred celebrity. My reputation is impeccable in my career goes back decades Leona Helmsley Imelda. Marcos Mike Tyson all former clients of mine. I have no idea who those people are. Well, how about Martha Stewart after her. Five months sentence for stock? Manipulation was announced in 2004. She went on an angry tirade that made her look like a pompous elitist and the general public hated her for it. I was called in, and within 24 hours, Martha became a Heavenly hybrid of Betty, Crocker. And Joan of art, I had no idea who those People are Jesus. Anyway, overnight, she became this saintly jamac martyr stating that she wanted to begin serving her five months sentence immediately so she wouldn't be away from her beloved. Dogs, cats, canaries, and chickens very long. No anger, no pompous attitude, just tons of sugary. Sweet humility and the masses ate it up when she was released. Martha had two TV deals. Numerous book deals waiting for her and she won back the love of her fans complete public Persona Rehabilitation huh? That could be kind of interesting. The goal is to dramatically soften you up which could result in a reduced or commuted sentence. I only hope I'm not too late, although having those babies back to back like you did did cause a legit delay in your proceedings. Brilliant move on your part. Yeah, I really thought that would make everything go away but I guess I could use some more help. All right. I have a short list of changes that I think will create a major PR pivot. First, we lose the black turtle neck and red lipstick. He look like you're in a Robert Palmer video. I have no idea who stopped saying that. This look is much too severe here. Put this on. What is this? It's called a bucket hat. Put it on. I'm not putting this on my head. 11 years in prison. Okay, okay. Christ. I look like some peasant on a Carnival Cruise and some sunglasses Jesus there. Now you look like one of the unwashed masses they will notice that and think you're just like them. All right? Next blinking. Blinking, you need to start blinking again that freakish stunt of not bleaching while in conversation with the attendant of creating a hypnotic. Hold only made. You look like a wide-eyed. Third. Right magician, normal people, blink. So start blinking. Hey. I don't think I can here. Does that help? Yes, but you're blinking. All right, what's next? Oh yes the voice. This is obviously not your real voice. You sound like a 15 year. Old boy, impersonating Jodie Foster. What do you actually sound like I don't know what you mean. 11 years in prison. Okay, okay. This is my real voice. Oh, good. God, I didn't expect that, but it works. Yes, that will work nicely. Anything else? Yes, one final, change your name. You're not Elizabeth anymore. You are now Liz if I have to dress like a pathetic, I guess I might as well be called Liz, wonderful. If you seriously apply these changes, I guarantee the melting away of your icy exterior, within 24 to 48 hours. The public is very forgiving. In other words, they're diminished self-absorbed, slack. Jaws who have incredibly short attention spans. You're still a celebrity and the masses will always loved celebrities, it's in their DNA. I have arranged an interview with you and writer, Amy choic from The New York Times. She owes me a very large favor in his agreed to make you shine. So that means bucket hat sunglasses, both babies in your Burns and your natural voice understand. Understood. Listen, I do appreciate what you're doing. But there's got to be some sort of fee, right? Oh yes, the fee. Well you see it's quite simple actually I require your first born, I suspected it'd be something like that. Yeah, sure, take them Billy. And I talked about making another right away anyway, for added sympathy, you know, you seem to have a knack for ruthless manipulation. If you're ever looking for a career change, I can always use an apprentice know. I'm afraid it really must be the first born. Okay, give me a few minutes, not sure where I left him. He's in the crib in the guest room. Oh you're good, you're good. our Second Story in our Elizabeth Holmes transformation episode, Is a peek into the audition process that Elizabeth and her husband used to find a new Liz voice. This is actual footage from a few of the actual auditions from that fateful day, in a piece called finding Liz. Hello everybody. Welcome to the Liz Holmes auditions. Who are these girls? Where is Jennifer Lawrence? Where's Margot Robbie? Where is Taylor Swift? This is going to be the biggest show ever Billie. Shush thinks to horrible Hulu and Despicable Amanda Seyfried. I need to retire my beloved Elizabeth Holmes and my beloved Elizabeth, Holmes voice. This Could Be Your Big Break, Your squid game, my husband billion, and I are looking for a new Liz Holmes and a new Liz, Holmes voice. But just to be clear We are looking for a new Liz and a new Liz voice. We are not auditioning for TV series babe. going to, Full additions will be based on the following excerpt from the horrendous Hulu series called the Dropout, Billy. Please play the libelous clip from the dishonest Amanda Seyfried. Here. at their house, we are developing New technology here. At their nose. We are developing new technology. New technology is is It's inspiring step. We're. Forward, this is inspiring. Step. Forward. You have been asked to prepare a reinterpretation of this brief monologue to demonstrate, Liz Holmes, please state, your name, your age, and then proceed there. Be time for a short Q&A if necessary, after you reinterpretation. Hi. My name is Julie. I'm 29. Here at theranos we're developing new technology here, at theranos we're developing new technology, new technology. this is, An inspiring step forward. Forward forward. This is an inspiring step forward. Oh my God, I love You Liz really, she's our winner. She's our lead actress. Thank you Julie. Unfortunately you sounded a bit like a stupid person. I'm sorry, it's a no next Liz, please. Hi, I'm Steph. I'm 34. Here. At theranos we're developing a new fucking technology. Here at fucking fairy nose. Where fucking developing a new fucking technology new badass bitch technology. This is An inspiring mother fucking step forward. Forward fucking forward motherfuking forward. This is an inspiring bitch ass step forth for a boss ass bitch. Oh my God, I love you. You're my new prison Liz Billy, she's our winner. She's our lead actress. Thank you stiff! Why did you choose to add lib? Like you did? I thought Liz should be street smart and reality TV, ready. Do you really think America is ready for such a common in vulgar Liz vulgar. This is just how people talk these days. Oh, I love her. She's Paramount plus ready. I'm sorry Steph, it's very hard pass next. Liz, please. Hi, I'm Olivia. I'm 37. Here at fairness, we are developing new technology. Here at fairness, we are developing new technology. New technology. This is an inspiring step forward. Forward. This is an inspiring step forward. Oh my god. Oh I love you. You're my new Lynn. She's our winner. She's our lead actress. Olivia was the lisp manufactured or is it a genuine speech impediment? Has a lisp, she's perfect for peacock. Premium Fake lift. My agent, thought it would be a sympathetic solution to capture the new list. I'm sorry, Olivia, but your agent is very much mistaken. We can't have Liz sounding like she's ill-equipped to handle the world. You should know that I am appealing, my unfair, I live in your prison sentence and I will be a CEO again, okay? Olivia Liz will be a CEO. Again, I will invent something that will save the world. Liz will invent something that will save the world and she won't be doing it with a lisp pass next. Liz, please. Hey, I'm Lucy 25. Here at feranoz. We're developing a new technology here at theranos, we are developing a new technology, new technology, this is an inspiring step forward. Four word. Forward forward. This is an inspiring step forward. Oh my God, I love you. You're my new Liz. These are winner. She's our lead actress. I'm sorry. Lucy a cheerleader know, I'm sorry, but that's not Liz. Can you please leave immediately? My PTSD is kicking in next. Hello, I'm Sheila 28, I'm 20. I am on 28. Let's see here. It's Thanos know they're, they're on us. We are to follow up in new technology. He what's it's the same thing here. It, they're not fair on those. We are to developing new technology, new technology. This is An inspiring step forward. Forward. That's supposed to be. There's three of them. Four words. How many did I say fall? Forward forward. This is an inspiring step forward. Thank you. Oh my God. Oh my God. You are Liz. You're me. You're what I hear in my head. Thank you, please tell the other women to go home. Hi Liz. I'm Liz too. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet me. And finally in a world exclusive, we have footage from an intimate moment with Elizabeth Holmes and her mysterious new partner, Billy Evans. This sketch is based on a profile of Billy published by Business, Insider. Hey Billy, can you come here second? Sure, babe. Daddy just sent me a new article about you on Business Insider. What is it? Famous. I'm so famous. I knew this would do it. What? What would do it? Famous finally famous. What did you tell them? What did they say about me? Am I shirtless read it? Read it. Why would you be shirtless just getting some sun on Lombard Street. We're trying to hide from the press and you're getting sun on the most photographed Street in San Francisco. The press needs me babe read it. Read it. Okay okay hold on. Here we go. William Billy Evans. Aired to a chain of hotels and California, blah, blah, blah, that's me. I know babe says you worked for LinkedIn. You never told me that linkedin's going to rule all the social media. Mark my words babe, they're all going to fail. Facebook insta Reddit, Snapchat gonna be LinkedIn. Babe, you really think Mark Zuckerberg will fail. He's a College Dropout, babe. I'm a College Dropout babe. You went to Stanford? Mark, went to Harvard. I told you about Harvard, right? Right. I know I know Harvard is a used Honda and MIT is a brand new Tesla. You really think tiktok is going to fail. How do you know that babe? I told you I'm a China expert. After graduating from MIT, I almost launched a unicorn Healthcare startup for transporting wealthy, Chinese people to the US for concierge medical attention, what happened to that unicorn? Again babe, they were jealous. Who was jealous? The Chinese Silicon Valley feces Mark, everybody. Everybody was jealous. It says, in the article that you studied Chinese in college, but since you weren't fluent, the idea never took off. Does it say? I went to MIT? Yes. Billy. I graduated from MIT a new baby. It says I wasn't fluent. They're just jealous. They just didn't understand my dialect. Who didn't understand your dialect, the Chinese War, my accent or whatever they were just jealous, keep reading babe. Let's see. Says, you worked at luminar Technologies where you were fond of wandering around with absolute purpose, but no one knew what that purpose was. I told you babe, I learned to wander at MIT. I graduated from MIT. Does it say? I went to MIT. Yes, Billy and I wasn't just wandering. I was basically Austin's Coast CEO. It says you were close with CEO, Austin, Russell, and, and acted as his secret police strutting around the office and telling people what to do. Everyone was so stupid there babe. Wait, what says you were captivated by my Authenticity. You are like the most authentic person ever Babe. You were like my hot CEO inventor. Jesus babe. I love you so much. It says you knew it was after I gave him my business card. Exactly. It was fate right after I saw Elizabeth Holmes on your card. I totally knew you were Elizabeth Holmes. It was like destiny. He told the jury that I swam the Golden Gate bridge when I was pregnant. Why did you tell them that babe. I just thought it was so iconic, like, how can they send my supermodel, billionaire, CEO, pregnant, wife to prison. While she's swimming under the world's most famous bridge. They can't, it says, when a reporter asked you what you did for work, you vaguely answered a lot of different stuff investing starting companies. Babe, I told you, right. I told you I went to MIT, right, babe, did they mention MIT in the article, baby? Yes, Billy we talked about that already. Did I tell you that? After graduating from MIT, I almost lost a unicorn Healthcare startup. For transporting wealthy. Chinese people to the US for concierge medical attention. I was going to be worth billions. Yes, Billy I love you babe. Wait, hold on. It says your parents were flabbergasted by your decision to marry me. He never told me that babe. Everybody loves you. You know that my parents love you, America loves you. You just want an Emmy babe. Will that wasn't exactly for me. Nobody thinks you're guilty. Babe, everybody loves you. It says you're dead. Pretended to be a concerned citizen named Hansen until then pure that I was innocent. That's weird. I told you babe. Everybody loves you. You have so many fans. My parents totally love you. I told you they would lie for you. Babe, the whole world would lie for you, right? Okay. You're right, babe, of course, I'm right. I love you babe. Thanks, babe, babe. I was on Reddit today and they were saying that we should probably have four kids to make it work. To make what work to get out. Get out of what prison babe. If we have four kids, they will definitely not send you to prison. Who isn't enough? Do you think we have time for two more? Wait, you were using Reddit, I thought you only use LinkedIn babe. You know I worked at LinkedIn. Right babe, did I ever tell you that linkedin's going to rule all the social media? Mark my words babe, they're all going to fail. Facebook insta ready. Snap Tick Tock, Twitter gonna be LinkedIn. That's it. That's the show. We are free float. This is business pants a reminder that the business fans corporate theater will be performing for live shows in Portland. Maine starting on June 3rd. Please tune in tomorrow for another incredible episode of business pants. As we look into the Wacky, World of ESG and all things woke data.