Transcript
Welcome to business pants, free floats, daily podcast, covering all things business news, all things, ESG news, all things corporate woke Wars. The Geniuses here at free flow. Ari, Jesse. And Matt believe in this stuff so much that they made a product to sell directly to you. It's called board sabermetrics. And it puts the who back into ESG. It's Tuesday, which means it's time for our business pants. Corporate theater America's longest running corporate theater troupe dedicated to dramatizing and satirizing business news headlines. But come on, let's get to the good stuff. Our corporate theater players. Tonight are the extraordinary Courtney Cook. Phil Haack, Ashley kutzer, Mark McGee and Molly McGill. This week on the show, we take a look under Elon. Musk's drippy umbrella. An infomercial selling stolen audio from Tesla automobiles. A press conference announcing the arrival of Twitter's new CEO. And an op-ed on Twitter's blue, check policy. Up first. We have an infomercial covering the recent scandala Tesla. Where Tesla employees privately shared, highly invasive videos and images. Recorded by customers car cameras. Some of the recordings caught Tesla customers in embarrassing situations. One X employee described a video of a man approaching a via vehicle completely naked. But don't take my word for it. Listen to Tesla's. Very first infomercial. Hi there. Please don't skip this ad. Now, we know that in this modern world, there seems to be more and more streaming services Netflix, Hulu, Amazon Prime Disney plus hell even to be has all the Jaws sequels. But we're here to introduce a new streaming service. And one we think you'll find to be unique, introducing Tesla, plus, the new video, and audio streaming site with 100% original content. We've got drama. Don't look at me. I'm not going in. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, why? Why do I need to apologize because they love you Tom, They Don't Love Me. I thought. I know that's why I don't want to go in there. Can we please just go back in? You know what, Tom, fuck you and your pants I'm going in. Got a doggy bag. True Crime that's gonna be illegal fucking talking about. I don't care about that what? I don't know what you want me to do right now. I'm looking at a crime happening in the middle of the street. Yeah there's a crime happening on broad daylight. Yeah what's the number? You just trying to change the subject. You're trying to subject you're making right here. In the car at least aren't drop it all over the carpet. Shut up. At least I'm eating fruit. All right, well tired of your little beef jerky, wrappers all over the floor. Yes, because I clean it. Now it's gonna smell fresh. Like a fruit. Instead of a jerky. Fuck you. That's right. All this content and More in one convenient, location how you ask, because, we've exploited our users a second time. Of course, after first selling them a vehicle for an exorbitant price. We've now stolen these users private videos and audio that the car system is constantly recording. Turn left. Now, stop. Just what do you stop touching the wheel? This is calculating. Wait. Oh, Creek Road. Oh my God. She was right. This this I'm so sorry. You were right for the start. Can you hear me? Dad, she can't hear you. Okay. It's not a person. I Heard a Voice when you mean it's not a person. I'm sorry. Miss. It's a mapping program. All right, it's there's no person on the other end of that turn left. Now, she's very nice. Are you single? No, for the last few years, we had Tesla have been simply sharing these private videos and audio clips around the office. Laughing at them feeling that sense of power. But we realize that we've been selfish with these videos, hoarding them and sharing them only among ourselves the Tesla employee. Bathroom when we get there, never mind. I don't need to which is why in our constant effort to be giving and generous to all that. We have to pay back those blood emeralds that originally funded us somehow we're offering all of this amazing content to you, the average consumer on one convenient platform at Tesla. Plus you can join in on what has only hitherto been available to Tesla employees. Every call every conversation, every pick of the nose, every moment that could end should stay private and now available to you. What do we do? Are you putting your hand on my head and pricing? Well, just like the Tesla self. We've hiked up these prices three times more than they should be HBO. Max is $16 a month, so ours is 50 dollars a month. Yeah, we rounded up baby. And if you order now, you'll get Tesla plus live, where you can browse the entire Tesla customer database and listening in real time. Feel the drama immediately in live as it happens as you listen to Tesla drivers just doing their thing. Will they be simply buying groceries going on a date fucking in the backseat or pulling off a bank job? Who knows? Well, you will because you'll be listening to all the action live. Are they parallel parking Not so good. Oh, they just had to go halfway across the street. So, what are you waiting for? Why haven't you signed up yet? What is it? The pangs of guilt feelings of disgust for going against standard adherence to basic decency. Well, that's never stopped us from plowing ahead and doing whatever we want. So, join Tesla plus now Book order now and we'll throw in a completely book is up charge because we can't fuck you. Our second sketch in the deranged world of Elon musk's childish Empire features, a press conference. Announcing Twitter's new CEO, Linda yaccarino While the headlines imply musk is handing control, over to Linda. the press conference suggests, otherwise Welcome everybody to the press conference to announce the new CEO of Twitter. Linda yaccarino. Joining us today is the current CEO and owner of Twitter Elon Musk. His brother Tesla and SpaceX board member and cowboy hat. Wearing Brooklyn, Trust funder. Kimball Musk. Former Twitter CEO and founder Jack Dorsey. And Twitter's new CEO formerly of NBC Universal Linda. Yaccarino, Welcome all. Elon Musk has decided to attend today's press conference via Twitter. His tweets will be read by a frat. Boy named Mike. To start today's press conference. We have our first tweet from Mr. Musk. 69. 4. I will allow our panel, a brief introductory message before taking answers from the Press up. First Twitter, founder and two-time Twitter, CEO, Jack Dorsey. I don't think Elon acted right after realizing his timing to buy Twitter was bad, nor do, I think the board should have forced to sail. It all went South but it happened and all we can do is build something to avoid that ever happening again. That's why I'm here to say blue sky, blue sky, blue sky like Twitter under Ilan or Facebook under CEO. And controling sheer holder Mark. Zuckerberg blue sky is a decentralized social media platform that has no single owner or leader and is not beholden to commercial or financial interests. Torpedo to shut his trap 420. 69 Pepe the Frog. Up next. Elon, musk's brother Kimball Musk. Kimball serves as a director on the boards of Tesla and SpaceX. The current value of his Tesla shares is approximately 350 million dollars. Welcome Kimball oh, waste. Our final panelist of the day is the new CEO of Twitter. Linda yaccarino Thank you. could somebody, please ask Mr, musk, which statement I should be delivering today Statement 69. Yes, of course. I've long been inspired by elon's Vision to create a brighter future. I'm excited to help bring this Vision to Twitter and transform this business together. Thank you, Linda. We will now take questions from the media. We are joined today by representatives from CNBC NPR, Fox News, Business Insider and business pants. Mommy. Sur, our first question today is from CNBC Thank you, Linda. We'll be your initial priorities upon joining Twitter. Thank you for the question. What should I say? Elon. Make up something about advertising business operations, make things you in charge. I will focus primarily on business operations while Elon will focus on product design and new technology as the chair of advertising sales for NBC Universal. I will be ready to hit the ground running to make Twitter attractive to advertisers again. Don't say again, makes me so weak, say Twitter, two point. Oh, and when I say make Twitter attractive to advertisers, again, what I really mean is that I am truly excited for elon's vision of Twitter 2.0 and to share that Vision with the entire world. Thank you up next. A question from NPR. State remedia, boom. Yes, my question is for Linda. Are you concerned about characterizations of your tenure at Twitter as being on a glass cliff? I'm sorry. What's a glass cliff? Doesn't have healing properties. Like this gentrified Bushwick Crystal like keep shove deep into my ironic cowboy hat. I bought it Tribeca. The glass, Cliff Theory refers to female CEOs, as well as underrepresented. My nardis, that are more likely to be hired for leadership jobs, when there's a crisis, which sets them up for failure. What man unrepresented manori, I'm last white male CEO, globalist 69. There is no glass cliff in elon's Empire. I cannot fail elon's vision of Twitter 2.0, prevents all Global failure, all Galaxy failure. The next question comes from Fox News. This is a question for Linda. Why the fuck am I even here? I'm Out peace. Blue sky, blue, sky, blue sky. Jack, Dorsey equals girl, not trans way, and misogynistic way with famine and qualities equal weakness. And homophobic way where men have an effeminate qualities. Equals lame gross. Only two genders, not 69 pronouns fourth, 20. Jack, Dorsey has left the podium. Fox News, please proceed with your question. You have been infected by the woke mind virus and engaging and globalist activity by chairing a committee at the world economic Forum. Could you please respond Linda Elon. Sure. You infected. I told you that already. Wasn't listening. Staring at your child. Bearing womb, daddy, ready for child. Number 11, 69 Go shorty. Go shorty. It's your birthday. It's your birthday. I'm, I'm 60 years old, Elon. Have twin babies with Siobhan zillis. She my exec at my brain chip company neuralink conceived through in future of fertilization. Let's do this 69. Doing my best to help the underpopulation crisis. A collapsing. Birth rate is the biggest dangerous civilization Faces by far. 69 210 3 times. I am fully inoculated against woke mind virus. I also don't believe in vaccines. Fox News has a follow-up question. Thank you. That is reassuring Linda. You are on record supporting diversity, equity, and inclusion initiatives. Could you please respond. Elon. Shit, d e I25. I only supported Dei initiatives because the woke mind virus brainwashed. Me the woke mind virus forced me to support women and people of color Twitter 2.0 will be color blind. And vagina blind 69. Our next question comes from Business Insider. Linda, how do you respond to the story that a wheelchair user who was filmed dragging herself towards an airplane? Bathroom said the cabin crew had refused to help. Um, I follow up question from Business Insider. Linda, how do you respond to the following story? Go check out the first photos of a shirtless Jeff Bezos enjoying his new 500 million dollar mega yacht with girlfriend, Lauren Sanchez, well, I Business Insider has requested one additional follow-up question Linda, can you please respond to the following report? A 28 year old page? Just 10,000 dollars for a rundown house that she and her dad are renovating to a hot pink Airbnb. No comment. We have time for one more question. The last question comes from the research team at business pants. There are reports that Elon Musk says Twitter will try to rehire some of its laid off staff and that some of the people he fired shouldn't have been cut. Could you please respond? Elon, but Elon said you will be CEO in responsible for business operations. Are you fucking kidding me? Business pants. Did more out of you. Elon is still going to be the owner. Still going to be the executive chair. Still going to be the chief technology officer. Still going to be overseeing products. Still going to be overseeing software and still going to be over saying God damn sysops. He's our fucking Overlord. What fucking difference. Does it make business pants? According to your data, he controls a huge majority of influence on whatever bodies that you think it's going to be any different here. Preacher. Not your fucking sister ass hat. 69 420, Sorrows. Be the devil. And that concludes the press conference to announce the new CEO of Twitter. Linda jaccarino thank you for joining us. A transcript of this conference will not be available anywhere because Twitter is a private company and you can all go fuc yourself. Except for you Joe Rogan. And you Tucker Carlson. And you guy who shot people in Texas with Neo-Nazi tattoos and you Ron DeSantis with your level, headed approach to education and you add all hit. And finally, broad ways favorite curmudgeon is back to Grace us with his thoughts about social media, and human interaction. He is Elsinore Bonneville to talk about Twitter's blue check. Hello, this is stage and Screen Legends in our barneville and I'm going to ask again to contribute to this fledgling, business, trousers podcast, and although I have agreed, I have also decided not to record if they're eight by eight cabin in the woods, they call a studio. For all that listen to my first editorial commentary, a few months ago, and by all, I mean three, you may remember that. My studio experience was less than Stellar no charcuterie board. No bowl of Godiva liqueur filled chocolates, no bacon-wrapped. Scallops on Ritz crackers, top of the cherry tomato, and a light brushing of horseradish, and the most heinous of all know alcohol of any kind. So, I am recording at my apartment on my phone. With my charcuterie board, a bowl of Godiva McCord, Phil chocolate's bacon wrapped, scallops on Rich crackers, top with a cherry tomato and a light brushing of horse riders. In a very, very large picture of gin and tonic at my side. Since I am proudly not tech savvy. The quality of this recording may not be up to podcast par and I literally could not care less. Buckle up in. Here we go. First of all, I am not a business News Junkie. Being a legend of stage and Screen the majority of news articles. I read contain the words opening night in the first sentence, With a Monica of respect to the makers of this podcast. Business news, bores me to tears much like anything in the Ron, Howard film Canon. And, yes, I've seen a poll 13. Despite that even, I have noticed the ridiculous amount of attention given to the batshit. Crazy billionaire, Elon Musk. Which I'm pretty sure was the name of a cheap men's cologne. That you could find displayed between Aqua Velva and High karate in a Walgreens in 1979. Previously known for his exploding rockets and exploding. Electric cars musk is currently known for his exploding social media platform Twitter. Since taking control as fall, musk has turned Twitter into a mouthpiece for right wing homophobic, transphobic racist misogynistic and anti-semitic pinheads that pose hateful rants similar to the toxic dribble that comes out of musk's own mouth. Why does the world hang on every word that this horrid monster says and make no mistake? He is a monster. He's not a blustery buffoon with a red. Mega hat. Spearing offensive garbage in the corner Booth of the Cracker Barrel. Well he is that buffoon but he's also a billionaire and that unfortunately gives him power which in turn gives him a loud voice in a wide reach. More money means more power in our society and history has shown us that money. Fuel power is not often used for good three words, Andrew Lloyd Webber. Cats and Starlight Express, alone should have sent him to the Hague for crimes against humanity. This country seems to be obsessed with failed. Yet. Still rich businessmen who only bring out the worst in all of us. In the spoiled milk churn of self-absorbed billionaires who have done, nothing to legitimately help the human race musk, is the rancid cream that is risen to the top. Stop making him a benign clown that we love to hate. He's not Gwyneth Paltrow for Christ's sakes. Stop giving him attention and stop making him relevant. Recently there was an absurd kerfuffle about Twitter's blue check policy. I am not on Twitter. So to me, blue check only refers to the nickname. I gave my dear friend, Voltron novique, who held the record for the most consecutive performance is in a production of blooming group in 1984. To the rest of the world. The blue check is Twitter's verification symbol. And if a user has this blue check next to their name other, Twitter users can rest assured that the user is actually who they say they are and not some imposter human or otherwise blah blah blah, blah, blah. Just shoot me now, So I guess musk started charging eight dollars a month for this blue check, which caused Twitter users to overreact like Les Miserables extras. And then he started randomly paying the fees for some users, and, and the other users didn't like that. And then the users, that he was paying the fees for said, hey, I don't want you to pay my fee because I never would have paid it to begin with. And then others that were paying the fees thought that the fee was a small price to pay to own the libs and mock the others that they thought paying. The fee was a blow to free speech and vowed to leave. And go to another platform where they didn't have to pay a fee and get a blue check and Jesus Christ. What are we even talking about here? This is news. How is this news? You want some real news, Broadway, icon cheetah Rivera is 90 and still working TV Legends Dick Van Dyke and Bob Newhart are still alive. That's news blue checks tweets must social media, none of it matters. None of it is news. Listen to me. I know it's hard for you but you need to avoid social media at all costs. Put the phone down and look at humans, interact with humans. Go to places with lots of humans like the theater. Being a legend of the stage. I'm a bit biased, but they're truly, is no better experience than theater. Go see plays and musicals mostly musicals and act in plays in musicals and listen. I'm currently directing a community theater production of Godspell, the cast is not professional by any means on the contrary the actor that plays Jesus is so bad that you're actually rooting for him to be crucified but despite every flat note and everyone just gesture, these are really wonderful people who love theater and love human interaction. Hosting comments online is not interaction. It's typing words and then sending them down a virtual toilet. Having a conversation using her vocal cords is interaction. And I'm sick and tired of hearing. Oh, social media is the only way I can be heard. You know how I'm heard? I have a conversation with my old friend and actress Judith Light, and unless in three minutes 50 other people know about it. Judith is a bit of a gossip Diva and I adore her for it. Talk to people be with people. That's only way to be truly heard in the only way to experience life. Real honest, to God, tangible full blooded hurtful, hilarious soul and inspiring heart-wrenching, and occasionally, glorious life. All right, that's really all I have to say about this but after I finished this picture of gin and tonic and oh, I seem to have already finished it. Okay, well, I'm about to call my good friend's, Voltron and Judith. And after that, I'm headed to the theater to direct some lovely awful, amateur actors, good old-fashioned, human interaction and I will not be visiting a social media platform of any kind. I strongly suggest you do. The same one of my closest friends. Charles Nelson, Reilly once told me Elsinore, the only way to truly know people and make a difference in their lives is to look them in the eyes face to face unless you're Helen Keller. Then I don't know what the fuck you do is in her Barnfield. Bye. That's it. That's the show. We are free float. This is business pants, I remind her that the business fans corporate theater will be performing for live shows in Portland. Maine starting on June 3rd. Please tune in tomorrow for another incredible episode of business pants. As we look into the Wacky, World of ESG and all things woke data.