Transcript
Welcome to business pants, free floats, daily podcast, covering all things business news, all things, ESG news, all things corporate woke Wars. The Geniuses here at free flow. Ari, Jesse. And Matt believe in this stuff so much that they made a product to sell directly to you. It's called board sabermetrics. And it puts the who back into ESG. It's Tuesday, which means it's time for our business pants. Corporate theater America's longest running corporate theater troupe dedicated to dramatizing and satirizing business news headlines. But come on, let's get to the good stuff. Our corporate theater players. Tonight are the extraordinary Courtney Cook. Phil Haack, Ashley kutzer, Mark McGee and Molly McGill. This week on the show, we take a deep dive into the political theater that is State treasurers and Attorneys General, and even Governors, boycotting, ESG, and so-called woke corporations. This sketch was inspired by an op-ed from The Wall Street Journal written by Dave seminara called. What I wouldn't give for a shave that isn't woke. From my closet to my bath room. My house is full of leftist Brands. It's time to do something about it. Dave's ESG, expertise, and whether a corporation is woke or not. Seemingly comes from his prolific background as an author. Where his most notable subjects are. Silly stories from his travels. And swiss tennis player Roger Federer. So congratulations Wall Street Journal for once again, proving yourself to be extremely unserious about your serious field of expertise. Back to travel writer, Dave seminara. Sorry travel, and Roger Federer writer, Dave. Seminara Dave keeps a completely arbitrary list of what he deems to be woke companies. The list, thankfully for Dave lacks a methodology. Yes, that's right. Dave, leave methodology to the egg heads in the ESG industry, who take their job, seriously. The woke companies list is composed of companies that say pulled advertising from Elon, musk's Twitter or say supported lgbtq causes. Unfortunately there are no criteria on what it means for a corporation to support lgbtq causes. But again, we're drowning ourselves and pesky semantics. In other words, Dave's woke companies list is a snowflake list created by a right wing in highly triggered snowflake. So this sketch is an honor of Dave and features a meeting of four state treasurers trying to determine which corporations are. Whoa. Welcome to the quarterly meeting of woke or not woke. We thank a gracious hosts. The national Center for Public Policy research, the American conservative values ETF and strive Asset Management. We know it has been difficult for them to find both a hotel and a food delivery company that met their anti-war criteria. So we certainly appreciate their great effort. Thank you, as you can see, we are gathered in the model airplane, aisle of the Hobby Lobby and were snacking on non-organic beef. Jerky from Bass Pro Shops, joining us today to determine corporate wokeness, are the treasurers from the following states, Canton tacky, Maryland, Ohio and Texas. As we officially have reached a quorum. We will begin today's session. Moderating, today's panel is the state of Maryland. Let's listen in Okay, I've got a long list companies so maybe we can just get started. No particular order Walmart. Well, Walmart woke Kentucky, my boys, nephew saw a pink shirt in the men's big and tall. And my wife's cousins said that they got organic milk. Now they do Ohio. And if organic milk, is the devil and soy, milk is the devil's sister-in-law, how was soy, milk woke, Texas. How was it not? I mean, the average total value of the US. Soybean crop is about 40 billion dollars. The US's first in World soybean production, since when is good old American Business, woke does it come from Tate's? Excuse me. Does it, what does it flow at us? Some tatas. I'm sorry. Does it flow out of what? Now, tits boy does, the soy milk come from the lady cow's titties. So much wrong about what's going on here. Milk is milk. Son, it comes from cow titties and of story. None of this soy shit or almonds? Or macadamian, or whatnot, or P. What do you say or P? I said, pee, milk, pee milk ain't milk. Me, neither they make milk at a p now. Yeah, sure do. It's loaded with protein, actually, peep protein. You're telling me them live fashion selling milk made out of my God giving pee. Yeah. That's right. Female because at least seven grams of protein. Per 8 ounces as fortified to include 150% more calcium than cow's milk. Oh well, that's just your opinion Marilyn. After two or three, or Twenty Bud Lights. They collect in my pee from my toilet. Hey, fuck Bud Light. Yeah, fuck Bud Light. Well, I mean Bud. Light does taste bad? I will admit right, sorry, you're right, fuck Bud Light then Miller Lite don't matter. Fuck Miller Lite too now why are we fucking Miller Lite? They run an ad talk about women saying women are in beer ads or something or aren't in beer ads no more. One of those what's bad about that? Well this there's saying it's bad. All these bikinis and beer heads that women shouldn't be treated that way. Shouldn't be wearing bikinis. Fuck that woke shit. Well now we actually complained about that same thing 20 years ago. Did we sure did? That's right. You know, I remember that complaining about the Christian values and whatnot you know you know, family values. That's right. We told him to cover up those own. Godly breasts starting to ring a bell. Yeah, we said that it was worse than poem because they showed it during family program, you know, like NASCAR and shit. That's right. Different house that hours was family values and stopping premarital boners, and all that. And there's this just just Pro women and all that feminazi stuff, is it now. Sure is just telling men what to do, blah, blah, blah, killing men. We bad because we like bikinis and all that. Is that right? Sure, sounds like they discriminate against man. Cancel bikinis. What they do. And it's canceled culture, I mean, first Biden took our dishwashers and now they take in our beautiful bathing suits. So, what's next, what just cut on dicks off? That's not family. You know what that is? Well, that's trans Warfare. Now Ricky, can you boys are, right? Fuck Miller Lite. It can we get back to Walmart? Absolutely. That's right, that's right. Thanks Marilyn, but but who licks you in here? Anywho Maryland? What we're south of the Mason-Dixon line is that right now? Yeah, that's true. I reckon. And we had a republican Governor from 2014 to 2022, Larry Hogan. Well, that's true. I guess now. Hold on Texas. This guy Hogan is a grubby Rhino. He was mad at Trump. When he attacked the capitol, he is not a patriot, he hates the country's got a point there, a whole lot. In 2018, he defeated Ben jealous to be Governor ban jelly, the former head of the NAACP that's that Jesse Jackson guy, isn't it? Yeah, National American colored people or some such hey guys, guys. Oh, you used to be crooked too. Done voted for. Who sang Obama twice. But now we're completely Trump. All in on pussy, grab, and we need new blood. We need to turn. Maryland, permanently read like Ohio. Fuck, Maryland. Maryland. Mary, what is that? Who the hell is Mary? Anyway, sounds like a perfectly homosexual, state. If you ask me, sounds Sissy and woke. Because we're called Maryland. Are you serious? It was just named after King. Charles, the first wife. Henrietta Maria. Charles. Impractical Jokers. Just what they call the carbonara effect. Are you Eric? Andre is that Tom Green Maryland's, right? He stays Mary. Land is a he That sounds pretty trans to me. Sit down, Kentucky, that's enough. I'm not saying you're wrong, but but we gotta move forward. We haven't made one single decision yet, and I'm still Furious about this pee milk. Men are pissing a Gatorade bottles and the woke mind virus is pouring in on their Raisin Bran and and we got a serious problem here look. I'm glad we circled back to this because I got to tell you. It's p. Milk not pea, milk pea milk, okay, not pee milk made from pea proteins, pee pods not urine. Not piss, not that Bud Light. You drink? And that's a goddamn relief. Thanks for clearing that up. Maryland, Still, they are sick for even considering it, nobody considered it Texas, but whatever. By the way, what are you gonna drink now? Bud light is out. Yeah, yeah, Kentucky, we got it fucked by life. Fuck Miller lie. Fuck. Everything. Like you don't have to say every time darn Tuton. We do, never forget, I'm not sure, never forget is really appropriate here, but what do you people really still say? Darn tootin? You people, what do you mean you people? That's what we call colored people and aacp and all that and double ACP. And I think you mean people of color people of color, careful. They don't cancel, you know, that's how you say it, you don't feel it, all uncomfortable, having this conversation with a black man. You're black. Well, how the hell am I supposed to know that? I'm color blind. I don't see no race, right? Okay. Well in any case, what kind of beer will you be drinking now? Fuck, Bud Light, I didn't even say, Bud, Light. Well, you said beer and you might have anyway, hmm, so no, Bud Light. Shut up, Kentucky. No Miller Lite, obviously and PBR is out because of those Radiohead loving hipster globalists. What about a good microbrew? A microbrew. Well, that's even worse than Bud Light. House. The microbrew work. Microbrews hardly even bear. I mean it tastes like something first of all and it looks like something and those cans share our nice looking and it's brewed by guys with beards women with tattoos, it's high in alcohol. No, it's not American. A craft beer sales are over 28 billion dollars. That's 25% of the US Beer Market. That's something to be proud of craft beer. Crafts are for girls, we're not drinking that shit. Sorry, Maryland. I think they probably got their facts straight, what facts? Oh, it's probably laced with vaccine water. It, and makes you gay vaccine, water makes you gay. No know how that's Florida and its flow ride. Disney's been dumping Flo Rida in the water wells, and making kids, gay, making them do drag queen's and and all Yeah, I'm not even gonna touch that one. We just get off the beer and circle back to Walmart and pea milk. Again, what? What's wrong with Walmart? What's wrong with pea milk? If it ain't from a tent then it ain't male. Oh, okay. So breastfeeding is okay, then hell no one ain't. Okay, why not? It comes from a tea, from a woman's body, wash your mouth out with soap, that's a godling and perverted talk, a human woman's breast. Milk is ungodly, damn straight. It is God fearing Americans. Use formula more than half. The baby formula Market is controlled by wreck it, which is British and Nestle, which is Swiss French. That's not very American if you asked me. Well, that may well be but we won't raise our sons to be six. Reperks know we won't and besides that more woke cancel culture in it. How so, cancel for meula women's live Feminism sounds like a Miller Lite at. Yeah. Yeah, fuck Miller. Like, can we at least vote on Walmart? I say definitely not woke. I mean the Walton family Arkansas, destroying small, businesses, low wages, you can't get more anti. Woke than that, hell no well, Walmart sales Bud, Light still and it sails organic milk. And don't forget their wokes CEO supports voting rats in Georgia, woke all day. Whoa, okay, that's three to one. Walmart is officially woke. Pepsi's next, such an unhealthy product. I say, definitely not woke on healthy. Well, they talked a ton about climate change about creating better plastic and recycling. Oh definitely, whoa, okay, that's three to one. Pepsi is officially woke to General Motors. Well David pretty anti-union recently, so they feel sort of not what? To me, not woke up two things, female CEO and electric vehicles, woke Elon, musk's number. One thing is electric vehicles and he just appointed a female CEO to run Twitter. Yeah, well that's different. Yeah, General Motors is definitely. Whoa. Okay. Understood three to one again. GM is officially awoke to What else? Apple well, okay, okay, yeah. Well even I will agree with that one for nothing apple is woke. BlackRock. Oh, the world's largest asset manager. It does not get more capitalist than that. Definitely not woke. Are you fucking kidding me? Marilyn BlackRock. They are like the kings of ESP and they got that George Soros. A CEO extremely. Whoa. I think you mean ESG, and it's Larry Fink. Larry Fink is the CEO of Black Rock. Oh, even worse. So woke. It's filthy well woke and woke again. Oh okay. All right, three to one black rock is woke. I guess we'll good. We're really moving along. Now only three left to Best Buy. I just looked at Best Buy I don't really see anything either way really looks like they split their political donations 50 50 Republicans Democrats. This doesn't seem very woke. I mean she when you compared to apple, apple is giving 89% of their giving is to Democrats. So I'm going to say not woke based on just really not enough information. Well, That's it. Why is Best Buy woke bought a TV? There flipping through the channels one day and saw something called RuPaul's Drag Race. After about six or or seven episodes, I realized they were grooming me right there at Best Buy woke. Yeah. And I'm singing their CEO is a lady. Corey Berry, whoa, a female CEO at that to be woke. It means that got a diversity. D e, i program. Why does it mean that because they didn't hire their best candidate? Texas is Right? Mary land the left celebrates woke leadership but we celebrate. Excellent leadership. Best Buy's fiduciary duty is to its shareholders, not to women at Oberlin. Whoa! Okay, three to one Best Buy is woke two more up next is meta platforms. What, in a Sam Hill? Is made a platforms with Facebook, so, just say Facebook, then, and that's easy. Whoa, Facebook is woke. I was just reading that Facebook founder, mark, Zuckerberg agreed to not fact check political posts. If the Trump Administration would steer clear of any heavy-handed regulations. I mean, that he essentially promised to Champion State, sanctioned conservativism. Zuckerberg's woke, how Sorrows, think Zuckerberg woke. What so Jewish people are woke? Well. Well, I never said anything about Jewish people. I'm saying, globalists are woke elitists, are woke. Okay. What do you think? Kentucky book, Facebook? Fuck Facebook. You literally organized today's meeting on Facebook, you promoted it on Instagram and you're always texting on WhatsApp, Do. Instagram and WhatsApp have to do with Facebook. Meta platforms. Mark Zuckerberg, owns? All three. Well, that's just greedy woke. Oh, so greed is woke. It is, when you're a globalist, find whatever. Med is woke three to one. Last but not least, PayPal good. This is an easy one. Is definitely not well, I mean, the PayPal Mafia. Hello, Peter Thiel. Elon Musk David sacks. So not woke. Hey, they made it easier for their employees, to vote in 2020. Whoa. It was during the pandemic. He's right. Helping people vote is woke, PayPal's. Woke, Elon Musk and David sacks just hosted Ron DeSantis on Twitter to help him launch his presidential campaign. There's nobody more anti woke then Ron DeSantis and Elon Musk. And the launch was a glitchy disaster that just helps Democrats. You tell me the glitch was planned to help Biden and they're supporting somebody running against Trump, what? Okay the votes are in. We'll add the following companies to our woke Corporation roster, PayPal meta platforms. Best Buy BlackRock General Motors Apple Pepsi and Walmart Once again it's a clean sweep, you know over the past two years each and every corporation discussed at this quarterly panel has been deemed woke. Thank you, everybody. Fuck, Bud Light. You know, just in case. Hi there. Please don't skip this ad. Now, we know that in this modern world, there seems to be more and more streaming services Netflix, Hulu, Amazon Prime Disney plus hell even to be has all the Jaws sequels. But we're here to introduce a new streaming service. And one we think you'll find to be unique, introducing Tesla, plus, the new video, and audio streaming site with 100% original content. We've got drama. Don't look at me. 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A reminder that the business fans corporate theater will be performing four. Live shows in Portland. Maine starting on June 3rd. Please tune in tomorrow for another incredible episode of business pants. As we look into the Wacky World of ESG and all things, well data.