Business Pants – 2023-12-18

You. We join our Port Richey chimney stuff. On a chilly, November morn. Scandal has erupted and Claws. Industries in the year 2023. The constant frosted Buzz of a minty maker dominates, the halls of the North Pole's. Most famous and festive winter sweatshops. As we joined the action, the mighty Santa Claus. Sits in his Imperial Red velveted, Throne screaming into his special edition iPhones. Zero handcrafted no less by the Mary elves of Foxconn out of a 400 year old Daybreak Fuji Tree. On the Lakeside scholes of peppermint Valley. I don't care what she says. This is my fucking company. It's called claws Industries, because of Santa Claus and not. God damn. Misses Claus. No. No. She's wrong. She's wrong, she's wrong. I fly the damn sleigh. So any ideas improving flight operations, and scheduling our mine? All mine? She said, I said that. I don't even know what that word means. No, this is patently absurd. This is my fucking list. Everyone knows it. It's Santa Claus is naughty or nice list. Empathy compassion Insight warmth bulshit. Emotional intelligence. What kind of fuck woke shit is that that is precisely what is wrong with this poll? You wouldn't hear talk of emotional intelligence at the South Pole. Believe you me. You know, become CEO or the emotional goddamned intelligence. It's excellent. Don't let that woke mind, virus, confusing. You Excellence runs this world. Not any kind of goddamn emotional intelligence. You sound like fucking chat GPT? He don't need to recite her resume to me. I know I know she's been telling me for the past 400 years. MBA at Harvard PhD in economics at Princeton coo at Lego, CEO at Hallmark. She's not ready. I don't care if she's been our chief operations officer for over 200 years. That's Global elitist. Bulshit, that's not Christmas. I'm motherfuking Christmas. Good morning, Santa Jesus. Misses Claus. Where the hell did you come from, seriously Santa, you still can't call me by my name. I do it for the children. They'd only be frightened if they knew you had an identity separate from me. Well, that's a new one. Santa dear. Have you been up late watching? Fox News again. What are you up to this morning? Good morning already. How can you even tell it's been dark since October precisely, why I've been asking the board to relocate to Barcelona for the past 135 annual meetings honey. There's not a single shred of sunlight or Twilight up here from October to March. I don't know how anybody gets anything. Done relocate to Spain relocate to Spain. I swear that's all you talk about. Do those socialists even celebrate Christmas in Spain. How many times do I have to tell you that? There's a higher percentage of Christians in Spain and in the United States sugar? Well, it wouldn't be practical. Do I need to show you the spreadsheets again? The proximity to Major population centers. Christmas is the North Pole always has been, always will be check the bottles. I actually have checked the bylaws all we would need is a majority of shareholders to agree and we could amend the blah blah blah. Facts, facts, facts, facts. None of this is relevant. It's not Christmas now, if you'll excuse me, I have man's work to do, don't you have to dip some reindeer shape cookies into minty, green, chocolate or something? Well, I'm meeting with the general counsel, at 9:30 to discuss the legality of delivering toys to Jewish children of atheist parents. At 10 were announcing the restructuring of the marketing department. 10:30 is the zoom with Oprah. 11 is the Wall Street Journal and Oh look, it's patch and puffy and puddles, this can't be good. Merry Christmas. This is Klaus. Oh My Darling little elves but call me Gertrude sweeties. My name is Gertrude and it's only the first week of November. You don't have to wish me. Merry Christmas all year 6. Mrs. Claus. We keep forgetting oh It's good. True dummy. She's only been telling us for the last 200 years. Don't fret my sugar pet and pet. Honey, don't hit my darling. Puffy remember, we have zero tolerance for Elf on elf violence in the workshop. Oh no, no puddles, it's okay. Sugar pie have some sweets. You, I'll see you lovelies later off to Legal, always a treat. We love you. It's Gertrude dummy. I'm pretty sure she said, her name is Jessica. Now, what can I do for you? Three Santa has a very tight schedule this morning, so, sorry, Sarah, we don't have busy. It is for you right now, your goddamn right? It's busy, Jesus. It's the goddamn first week in November and I've got a fucking annual board meeting coming up next week. Why the hell those aren't held in the spring? I'll never know. Well, the annual meeting is why puffy, and puddles, and I would like a quick chat. We don't think you're aware of certain issues certain issues. What the hell does that mean? We have a list buttles the list Christ? What is it with this place? And lists first, the board is going to come at you pretty hard about why production costs of tripled during the last year. Oh, hell, this isn't just a North Pole problem. Everybody is struggling with supply chain costs. Have you already forgotten about the global fucking pandemic? Or the crippling goddamn inflation. I realize it's hard to concentrate on real world issues when you're getting a blowjob and your olympic size hot tub, while sipping cocaine laced appletinis, okay, that's legitimate. But you might want to drain some of that anger and filled out of it before next week. Fuck you. Oh, here there's some candy. Goddamn it. Shut up. Santa Santa, we're only here to help What else? Well, it looks like sub elves are requesting a vote to four, but you did. Oh shit, not this again, I thought you dimwit elves were forever. Traumatized when Ronald Reagan fired, those 11,000 air traffic controllers, back in 1981. Remember that Christmas? We killed nearly 200,000 Birds, slammed into 1,000 of Chimneys in nearly decapitated, the Chrysler Building. Well, they've been talking again, what is A fucking Revolution. Yes, that's exactly what patch said. Zip, it puffy. Oh my God. Shut up here here. Sure. Listen, there will be no revolutions on my watch. It's rule number five in the elf guide book right before. No sugar-free substitute. And and right after no free verse poetry after 7 p.m. I don't understand what they want from me. They have free room and free board free meals job, stability. They fucking want for nothing. Well there is the the better of Elf care. Elf care. They're Immortal they fucking live forever. Why do they need elf care? We talked about this Santa being Immortal, doesn't mean we can't die. I mean we could still be injured killed by another hand or by disease. I mean you probably getting it mixed up with being Invincible, you know. That's where you're unable to be killed but you will eventually die of old age. Extremely old age, you know, like Jimmy Carter. Son of a bitch. Which one am I again? You're like us Immortal you'll pretty much live forever unless you attract a terrible disease or somewhat hacks you to bits while you sleep Jesus Christ, okay? Well now he was something different entirely sort of. It is odd category like he did actually die. But was resurrected and now lives forever kind of the ultimate Invincible, like Harry Potter or Charlie Brown, I know who fucking Jesus is. Hello Christmas christ. Oh sweet. Jesus, here's some candy, eat it. Shut up. I think we're getting a little bit off track here. So yes, there's the elf care but also it seems that many elves would like the option of working from home. They live 500 feet from the goddamn Workshop, right? Well actually that brings up another issue. And that's how housing remember. There is a shareholder proposal currently up for vote. That asks for individual elf residencies, the current system of 12 elves to a room is a privacy nightmare unbelievable. They live in an enormous mythical compound made out of never melting ice and soft chewy, gingerbread and Gumdrop fairy dust. These ungrateful elves. Don't know how good they have it. We are eternally grateful for all you've done for a Santa. We just want to have a say at our future that's all and usually does, it would give us that Collective voice. Your union doesn't scare me. Are you gonna walk out right before Christmas? It's PR disaster for ul's. The people will will side with Santa. The people will always side with Santa. I'm Christmas and everybody knows it. Is that it not exactly Santa. There has been pressure from animal rights groups to have a third party representative. Accompany you on your run, you know, to make sure the reindeer are not overworked overworked, they worked one night a year, they traveled billions of miles in a very short time time. There's no concept of time involved. When I make my run time, fucking stands still and these are flying reindeer, do you want to have a conversation about how the physics of that works? It'd be a short fucking conversation because it's called Magic those reindeer, won the fucking reindeer Lottery when they join my team. Oh, and they're all so goddamn Immortal. Yes. But they can still get injured and die. You want to test that theory right now, patch because I'm really ready to test that goddamn Theory right now. Oh my God, enough for the crying here. Shut up. Have a nice cookie Santa. Oh, Listen. I I don't need all this extra stress right now. Okay. So well there's only a couple more items. Shareholders are concerned about board Independence. See, they think you've appointed too many of your friends as directors got a Tooth Fairy Easter Bunny. Jack Frost not to mention Mrs. Claus and your daughter pinky. Now, they want some Mortals on the board, like, Tim Cook from Apple or a Michelle Obama from from Barack and Michelle Obama. I know, fucking Michelle Obama is I only voted against her like nine times and 12 different states. How many times do I have to say? This Clause? Industries Inc is not a normal company where God damn, Supernatural. Those people don't believe we even exist for Christ's sakes. We can't afford to have beer Mortals on our board. Oh company would crumble like these dry as fuk sugar cookies. Claus Industries needs tightens of the make-believe realm at its Helm. They're the only ones that really understand what it's like to run a fantasy based Corporation. Can you at least agree that having your daughter Piggy on the board is not a good idea. Look, it's not my fault. I wanted a son but I'm not going to be the one to tell her. Don't worry, we'll talk to pinky. All right. One last item. It seems that some of the cookies people are leaving out for you. This year may be laced with fentanyl. What the actual fuck. Oh Jesus, here's candy, eat it, eat it, eat it, go away. It's a tiktok challenge posted by a munich-based. DJ encouraging people to drug your snacks. I saw that it's called let's make satanic lit. It's got over 450 million views. Oh well, you know, good little effort Pizza. It's fine, Santa just to be safe. Why don't you avoid all cookies this year? Oh, and other tradition thrown in the goddamn dumpster, you know, it's harder and harder to be generous and jovial to these crazy heartless bastards. Why do we keep doing this? They've already got Amazon, do you know? I got a vintage Nirvana T-shirt for a dollar ninety nine with free shipping. You know what free shipping is? It's fucking Santa Claus. If I met Santa You do this for the one innocent mortal that has been good all year and puts the once and needs of others over their own. You do it to reward them. Find me one of those left on this dumpster fire of a planet and I'll put them in the fucking board. That's not a bad idea. We could have a contest like, Willy Wonka did for his Chocolate Factory. Yeah. And how did that work out? Didn't five kids die in that? PR Fiasco? Well, not exactly. But it did ruin the company. I mean poor Charlie didn't fit, too, well, as long as successive, he was only 11, but we're not looking for a successor yet. What are you hitting me? Nobody's coming after your job Santa but you told me that Mrs. Claus was Oh, just looking for one new director. That's all right. And the third party Watchdog group to look over the reindeer. I guess but that's it. No fucking elf care and no fucking Union and any more talking this and all offshore the whole Workshop to Whoville just fucking try me know, elf care but that's a deal breaker. Oh great will take care of the details and and we'll have a presentation ready for the meeting the get lost and leave me alone. I'm trying to remember my God damn, Netflix password and I can't have you elves buzzing in my ears. Let's see. Now, what the hell was it? Bad santa 69 exclamation point. I don't clean. That's not working. I sent a succession soccer continues in the fabled. Elf Workshop, a room. So green and minty. Fresh Vasco da Gama famously mistook it for a piece of sperm and doubly bubbly chewing gum in the Christmas year of 1497 a workshop as famous for its wonderful. Wooden toys as it is. For its late night, collective bargaining brainstorms We joined the future presidents of the United Auto Workers, the service employees, International Union, and the teamsters better known across the icy patios of the North Pole. As a beloved Christmas elves, patch puffy and potholes. That would better than expected. You almost gave it away talking about Mrs. Claus like that. I know, I know I can never keep a secret. This is happening. Isn't it 2023 is our year. I can just It I know, right? This Bitter oversized garden. Gnome has made a mess of this once revered company. This is Our Moment, his Outburst on the Drew Barrymore show has to be the final straw. You can't just slut. Shame Taylor Swift on national TV. That Scandal destroyed our Holly Jolly reputation. Not to mention John Oliver's Show. Last week, the true CEO of clause Industries is named Clause but not the Clause you're thinking about pretty fucking brilliant between her and Pinky. They have enough new ideas and last until the 28th Century Jesus. How does he not know that they're coming for him? Because he's an elf absorbed piece of Yuletide shit. That's why Wait. So we want piggy of the board, right? Definitely pinkies in line to be Chief Operating Officer and once this goes down, she's bringing Rihanna on to the board as its first ever independent chair. That's why pinky put, I just don't feel like Christmas Without You on top of our Spotify playlist. It's an Easter egg awarding shot to her father, it's Gabe odd. What's Rihanna gets here? Oh it's game on. All right, phase one is done. We told him about the union, health care, Phase 2, text Tooth Fairy so she can officially filed the no confidence vote. Done. And now we're at phase three. Puddles. You've got to grab pinky before she sees her dad on it. Holy snow globes. This is happening. That's a watch out. You better not cry. Better not pout. I'm telling you. Santa Claus is finally going down. as the curtains pulled back on scene, 3 of a fabulous, Christmas Tale, a sentence, succession story, elf, control a miracle, on mistletoe, tree, The action shifts to the Beloved famous candy cane room. The North Poles. Infamous gossip Lounge. Where Heather Hopper once whispered to Walter Winchell? That is tinsel looked, merely like the remnant of Dollar Store. Aluminum foil. On this occasion are elephant puddles and our nepo Claus, baby, pinky, ketchup on a potential coup de Taffy so incredible that even its cavities are minty fresh. Pinky. It's puddles. I got some huge news for you. Are you here? I just got here. Where are you? Oh my God. I'm so glad I got you. I mean, the candy cane room. Come see me before you see your dad, dude, I'm like two seconds away. Oh, look at you pinky Claus. You look amazing. Puddles the legend. So what the hell was so urgent? We told him everything, Union, elf care, the new director and you're still alive. That bloated. Relic is too arrogant to believe. Anything will ever change. Well, it's kind of hard to blame him at this point. He's been in charge for over 1500 years. Yeah, but he's spooked, he knows he messed up this time. Yeah, the dude is so out of touch, it's not a Day, Too. Soon, the elves are ready to walk know. I know they are specially peppermint jazzed about the Big labor wins at UPS Ford in GM. 2023 is the Yuletide Union Uprising know, I totally got it. Just remember what we talked about, making him feel secure, keep him, calm you got this easy for you to say dude I Got you take one of these weed, gummy snowmen, their pure Iceberg, mistletoe, roasted Chestnut Bliss. There are 175% DHC, you'll be calmer than a sleepy. Tenured Bryn, Mawr poetry professor and a cozy. December blizzard on a 10-year sabbatical, thanks puddles. I definitely need one of those. No, no. Take the whole bag, you'll need it. Trust me. Wish me. Good luck. You don't need good luck with the magic Spirit. A Christmas Justice behind you. Santa's gonna kill me. Remember your dad does not own Christmas know. I know we're taking it back. That's right. Just returning it to its rightful owners, the world. Back in Santa's office a destroyed and Spiced Rum filled CEO of closing the streets. Here to fall known. As Santa Claus is seen once again pacing to and fro and screaming into his Purple Plum Pudding. I phone Sarah. No confidence vote. Tooth Fairy. I knew I could never trust that bitch. At tomorrow's board meeting shit. Shit shit. Thanks, Jack Frost talk soon. They're finally coming for you Santa boy. I don't know how much longer I can hold them off. I survived the plague, the Renaissance, the American Revolution, the French Revolution, the Industrial Revolution, the Age of Enlightenment, the Space Age, The Information Age, I haven't survived the fucking fax machine, but this is different. The world is never seen a power like this woke mob. Have you seen Hamilton a black Thomas Jefferson. These headlines are the death of me. Mrs. Claus is the true CEO of claws Industries. Slut shaming. Santa only works one day a year. Right here in print in the goddamn Wall Street Journal. The corporate governance disaster at clause industry's. Speak of the feminazi devil. Ed, thank God. You're here, pinky baby. At least I've got your vote. What makes you think that you're my daughter? A mom's daughter? Tupac's mom's not going to vote against me. What makes you think that she's my fucking wife? Sweetie? She's her own woman pops Jesus, not YouTube pinks not me too. What pops oh fuck off with that me too shit look just so you know I talked to puddles puddles that deaf dumb sugar an old piece of Elf excrement, seriously Dad, she never talks. She just cries and I throw sugar at her. That's all in your imagination dad she's talking. But all you hear is sobbing. This is your pathetic patriarchal psychosis pops. The world is changing whether you accept it or not, women are not mute, eye candy that you can make. Go away with ndas and real Candy anymore. Oh, fuck off. You don't have to tell me. I stopped giving that bitch Ruth Bader Ginsburg or president back in 1973. She was Jewish. Dad who cares? That never stop me. That's the most powerful proselytizing agent. This church has showering gifts on Heathen non-believers. We're not a church Dad. Here we go again with his woke shit. If anything were the direct opposite of a church were the most powerful corporate wing of the retail industry Lobby. We coerce boys and girls across the globe to worship material Goods, wash your mouth out, with soap. You can't wash away the truth with peppermint scented soap, dad and Puddles. The elf that you think does nothing but cry She was my fucking thesis advisor at Princeton don't remind me. I've been paying off that loan since 1777. You're a real pumpkin pie. Pisser old man. Candy. Give me some. Are you sure Dad. These are pretty serious. They're medical grade. Give me that candy. You woke snowflake. I invented gummies. Snowman. I warned you Pops blah blah blah. Keep your vegan Voodoo gluten-free globally. Shit to yourself. For the audience at home are beloved Santa has greedily gobbled six or seven golden gummy weed snowman. These onshore ordinary weed gummies. Of course, these are special Christmas, high octane fast. Acting gets a stone like it's 1969, wheat gummies. According to my Swiss Miss with tiny marshmallows crafted pocket. Watch Center will be silly stoned in about seven seconds or so. Six, five, four three. Is that you Gertrude? Dad? It's me your daughter. You look just like my wife, know. It's me pinky. Dad? You're high. Stop it. Why are you saying that? It's me. Pinky your daughter, your stoned? No. No, I think you're right. Gary, we should incorporate Claus Industries as a Bee Court. What the hell is going on? Dad, I'm not Mom. And what year did you think this is you already Incorporated, Claus Industries, hundreds of years ago. Dude, you are so baked, you're like stuck on rewind or something. What the hell are you talking about? What is a bicorp, a certified? B Corporation is a company that has voluntarily met the highest standards for social and environmental performance, the standards cover, a company's impact, in key areas, including governance, workers Community environment and customers Think Patagonia think Ben and Jerry's the why are you asking me? It was your idea and you should absolutely be the CEO. You were the only one who understands this place you thought Mom should be CEO. You run the daily operations. You supervise the elves, you manage our Santa department store Syndicate. Hell, you even manage the naughty and nice list. That's basically the entire operation. I'm just a glorified UPS driver and supermodels, spokesperson. I'm like Christmas, Uber Eats Gisele You're the serious one damn Dad. This is heavy. I never knew you felt this way. I basically worked 36 hours a year and I take 100% of the credit. Hell, even the elves are responsible for our data analytics. It's always been you Gert. I'll tell the board tomorrow you should be CEO. Pole Santa has just experienced the truth, telling serum of his first really big. Super Galactic Rockefeller centered sized Christmas tree higher than a giraffe sauce blasted ripped, toasty Cloudy, with a Chance of Munchies, Jazz cabbage, High, Santa got Stone my children. Oh, Santa sits down his heart. His heavy, a Heroes feeling his first true Christmas after baked burnt out weed over Pinky, is that you? What happened? Where are we? Where in your office, Dad, we just went on a little, you know, a little Voyage Through Time you were telling me that Mom should be CEO of the company. I said that maybe it's his. Damn, it nog. Am I having another lactose Daydream a woman? Can't run a major corporation like this, you know that Sure. Dad, if you say so, Hey, you look a little tired. Why don't you have a nice big mug of hot cocoa and I'll be right back. Oh okay sure pinky I really don't know what's going on with me. I do feel really tired. All of a sudden Back in the kindergarten room. So magnificently aromatic that it's stupendous. Fragrance, can be seen from 50,000 feet Beneath The Fabulous. Snow peaks of Mount Kilimanjaro where all gum drop his good gossip. Pinky and puddles reunite to tell the tale of a very Stone and silly and dippy and dizzy and muddled headed in it with Santa Claus. You'll never believe it, what happened? We were hanging out in his office and he accidentally ate some of those weed gummies. Seriously and he went on this weird trip. Like he was in the past or something the past he was totally hallucinating. He thought I was my mom. Whoa! No shit! Oh, and get this. He said he thought my mom should be the CEO of this company. Rhonda, santis Claus, things a woman should be the CEO of a Fortune 500 company. I know, right? He even said Clause, Industries should have been a b Corp. Oh, this is everything. We've been dreaming about what is this? Like some kind of weird? Trippy Ghost of Christmas Past, Christmas, Carol bulshit, that's what I said. Hell is going on? Is he just stuck in a memory? Or is he manifesting the future? I don't know. But we should see this thing to the end, right? Like I'm trying to remember the play. Wait, wait, let me Google it. It says here that in Charles dickens's A Christmas Carol, the Ghost of Christmas Past represents memory if the ghost can help. Screws remember who he once was. There may still be hope for him dude. Think. Hmm, the Ghost of Christmas present represents generosity and Goodwill. This ghost seeks to show Scrooge that the true meaning of the holiday is found in the joy that comes from giving to others. And then and then the Ghost of Christmas future represents fear of death. This goes intends to show Scrooge that if he continues in his current fashion, there's a reckoning that awaits him. Amazing get those weed gummies and get back to work. Said nobody ever. In Santa's office, a building wonder is stabbing away at his peppermint dazzled. IPhones, zero just as his Highly Educated daughter. Pinky, is about to knock on Santa's 54 foot, high mahogany crafted, double hung door. Oh, this fucking Wordle. It's never anything good. What about Santa or claws? Or how about goddamn, comment or Vixen, Jesus? Dad what crawled up your chimney? The globalist Elites at the New York Times. Naughty, naughty naughty, what happened to your Mellow Mood? How the hell should? I know I woke up feeling like I had ripped through 12 gallons of 400 proof eggnog. Like I was kicked in the head by a Skyridge Rudolph. After getting cut off by a flying Tesla, got some more gummies pops. These will take the edge off. Give me those Jesus, dad, that was easy. Dude is so grabby and greedy. What was he? Who are you talking to just talking to myself? Say dad, remember what we were talking about yesterday about the elves demands about how we should support them if they vote to unionize, I said No Such Thing, those greedy, bastard sign, Union cards, and all fire, the faster than you can say Tucker Carlson. Praise the pack of pissed off. Doomsday Preppers. Mom told me prophets are up 25% year over year every Christmas since 1865. Maybe it's time to consider profit sharing with those greedy. Piss elves. I'll go on a hunger strike. You think the world is ready for a smelt Santa they will write it in the streets. Obesity has nothing to do with your Fame dad. Speaking of which wants some more delicious gummy Snowman. Here it comes. In five four three, two. Dirty. Is that you? Yeah, honey it's me. What were you saying? Maybe the elves do deserve a bigger piece of the pie. Jesus. No wonder Republicans hate weed so much from 0 to Bernie Sanders and 3.4 seconds. Let's give those elves a raise hell. It's Christmas. How about a race and some profit sharing pudding? I'm just worried about the shareholders honey. Our fiduciary duty is to the shareholders, not the worker's. I thought we were beyond that already. A capitalism for all the stakeholders and not just for the shareholders. But what if the elves are never happy? What if next year they want access to the internet or something? Hmm, what was Ghost of Christmas? Generosity and Goodwill. Oh, I got it. I want to show you something that I think will make up your mind. Like a good Ghost of Christmas present young pinky leads old Santa to a glimpse at the fabled Elven workshop for there is no shiny diamond on the snow covered Globe then the good and generous Factory floor of the great North Pole, a place. So joyously decorated with Rubik's Reds and Yoyo yellows, that a permanent glow of Grins and laughter casts, its Eternal shine. It's here that pinky takes Santa a wonderous place of hugging and dancing and candy cane eating. What are we looking at? Pure elf Joy. Pure elf, love. They're not asking for improved work conditions and benefits out of greed and anger against management. They're just trying to do right by their fellow elves and Families. How dare you greedy Godless elves? You have tricked old man. Sinned. I haven't you. You want for nothing? You need, no more. You are already happy. You already have joy. Hear me loud. And clear this Shuffle unionized. Over my extremely difficult to kill a mortal body. You want for nothing and we'll get nothing more than the annual gift of keeping your fucking jobs. Shit, that clearly backfired. As the Crimson, she fought on cuttings, pull back on act, two of our fabulous Christmas Tale Santa's, succession story elf control a miracle on Missile tree the action, shifts to the belly of the corporate Beast. The fabled boardroom of claws, Industries Incorporated, where even the water glasses are made of fairy dust. Crystals and snare. Angel tears, Mrs. Claus puddles, patch and puffy sit at the 40-foot long table. Discussing strategy over a double handled holiday mug of Stevie sweet, cocoa pleasure, It was never Our intention to handle it this way, but I'm afraid, he left us with no choice. No, I get it. I've had a kidney stone, the size of a gingerbread house, decided to 25, but I can't afford the surgery and pickles has an eye infection and pp's going, blind, piggy, has typhoid, peanut has explosive diarrhea. Peaches clinically depressed pixie pink eye. Pumpkin migraines. Polly has had mono since 1970. Paris has alcohol related. Liver disease. Panda has balanced cancer and poor old peaches as double chlamydia double committee. Oh that poor poor peaches. Phoenix has diabetes. Pickles has deep faithfulness. Petunia has seven versions of dementia. Yeah, six. What? Six versions, six versions of what six versions of dementia. Petunia has six versions of dementia. But what I say? You said seven, you said petunia has seven versions of dementia. Did I? That's funny. Has chronic food poisoning Prada house galp page has gum disease and is allergic to come and can't afford the bubble free gum. Peggy has hemorrhoids on top of her hearing loss, Hippie has lyme disease. Patty has mumps piggy has triple obesity, and kind of a pick pixel. Has a very insist on his left. Testicle. Porsche has an overactive imagination. Pepsi has prostate cancer. Soraya's psychosis, pubic life. Okay, okay I think I get the idea. Pepper has Disney plus, but can't afford. The battery is for her remote. Look, I've heard enough I'll take care of this. I promise take care my sweets. She's on our side, right? Have a course. She'll do right by us. We couldn't have made a better case for healthcare. Oh fuck. I forgot to tell her poppy has sudden infant death syndrome? Oh shit, I forgot to tell her. That Piper is paralytic. Shellfish, poisonous things I drove. I wonder what triple obesity is. Exactly. What's up? Nausea. Oh it's new pinky. Mom just told me it's officially on no shit in 24 hours. This company will finally be run by its rightful leader. You sure you have the vote more closed its seven directors. So we need four to get rid of them. I'm a yes mom's yes tooth fairies a big. Yes, she always resented the old dude, no doubt, Tooth Fairy Works. Tirelessly runs the whole operation makes all the decisions and deliveries, it's really astounding how little credit she actually gets. You don't have to tell me I wrote my doctorate thesis on it. The subconscious Market discrimination of female leadership impact of gender on the public perception of corporate leadership. That's right. Think of her Enterprise. This is all the world's children losing teeth on every single day of the year. Not just one day in December and that includes a personality profile. Sass meant to determine the proper gift and a nearly impossible. Gift delivery process, I know. You can't compare a tree in an empty living room to a pillow, beneath a sleeping child, and transporting. Those teeth are a nightmare for her to dispose of responsibly. Okay, so you got three solid yeses so far, what about the others? Yeah, okay, Santa is an obvious know. Same with Jack Frost, that old male stale Brotherhood runs deep, his brother. Chris is also a know. Unfortunately wait, who is Chris again? Kris Kringle. Santa's brother. Always forget, they are not the same person. Yeah, the world can't catch up to that concept for some reason, but Kris Kringle is a major Lefty, isn't he doesn't he live in Spain? He makes those tiktoks for the Spanish Socialist Workers Party. Yeah, that's him. Part of the reason why dad is so against moving the headquarters to Barcelona. He thinks Chris in my mom are having an affair and conspiring against him, so then why are you so sure Kris Kringle is a no vote? Because he would never vote against his brother, no matter how much he hates his politics. He called Santa one of the two worst perpetrators of the climate chaos Rupert Murdoch for his ruthless dissemination of climate misinformation. And his own brother, Santa Claus for Shifting, the world economy to a wasteful dystopia of retail materiality. Accused him of stuffing Mother Earth gourd with the devil's plastic I know but he'll never vote against him. Trust me, their old school family always comes first. Okay, so we're three three. Then it's all down to the Easter Bunny. I gotta figure she's on her side, right? Of vote for The Sisterhood, the Mercurial Easter bunny, she's a definite Wild Card, she talks a good feminist game on Instagram. Sure. But, you know, there's a lot of virtue signaling on there. I think when it comes down to it, she wants to preserve her icon status when he mean, Santa, and the bunny are the last two great holiday icons standing. If we can vote out Santa, then they can surely vote out Bunny. And her Corporation is struggling too. As more and more, and more people turn away from organized religion, it really hurts, her bottom line, Christmas is tied to our economy, but not Easter really damn. You're right, and don't forget that Santa sits on the board of bunny Enterprises. He's the chair of the compensation committee for Christ's sakes. He basically sets her salary shit. Yeah. So we should go after her and try to convince her. Oh, you know, bunny any sort of danger, she immediately scurries away into the bushes. She's really hard to read. So pleasant and Charming in March and April, but then just so morose for the rest of the year, cooped up in her worn like the world doesn't exist. You have to get back in there for one more Stone Christmas, ghosts, Stone Ghost of Christmas Past, loosen him up a bit, but the stone Ghost of Christmas present was an absolute failure. Who knows? Seen those elves? Happy with him off so much. So it's all down to the stone Ghost of Christmas future. That's all we got. Let him know what Christmas will look like when he's gone. Yeah, he talks a big game about retiring tomorrow Lago but he can't ever quit this hill. Want to be involved? Somehow? I know it. I think you're right. He needs Christmas. It's who he is. If he loses in a hostile takeover then that's it. But if we can get him to give in then at least he sticks around to deliver the gifts. He won't be CEO, but he says his dignity. Totally. You got this. I got this. Back in Santa's office. We once again eavesdrop on the portly Center in an intimate conversation. So rounded by a decade in pile of sundry treats in Suites Jibber jabbering into his iPhone 0 with a rabbit. That needs no introduction or on Poetic hyperboles, the one and only Easter J bunny. It's me and you old bunny that bitch. Tooth fairies had an information for me ever since I put Susan B Anthony on the naughty list. Yeah, Mrs. Claus is technically in charge of the list but remember I got lifetime veto power back in the 1700s. Kind of like my presidential pardon. Yeah, just for the important ones, the suffragettes the abolitionists, the vaccine makers, Jane Fonda Greta thunberg, AOC Dylan Mulvaney. Jack Frost gave me this gorgeous, gold plated naughty stamp. Oh yeah it's so satisfying I just drop it like a hammer Joan of Arc. Naughty Frederick Douglass, naughty Rosa Parks naughty Lady Gaga Nelson. Mandela Oscar Wilde, RuPaul bear bam, bam bam. I call it my woke whiteout machine. Wait, hold on. I think I hear something. Hello. Is somebody out there? Hey buddy. I gotta go. The backstabber snowflakes are everywhere. Yeah, yeah, totally. We got this reject this. No confidence vote. And then we stuffed the board with Santa loyalists. Yeah, Lord Voldemort. Darth Vader. Donald Trump And hell, we can even get Cruella Deville, he's fucking bored mandates, require a certain percentage of women. Perfect, see you tomorrow, buddy. I got some nice white chocolate covered carrots from South Africa, that you'll love. Perfect timing. It's open. Hey, Daddy you. Okay? What is it pink? I'm kind of busy just seeing how your holding up. Oh yeah, one last peek at Old Santa Fe for your woke mobs. My Divine Providence. It's a democratic process. Dad. You agree to it. Yeah. Well your mother made me. She promised me it would never come to this. Well maybe you should have listened to her more dad and it never would have come to this. What the hell are you doing here? Pinky? Sorry pops. I just had. Four of those gummy snowman. You love and wanted to give you some before they're all gone fine. Give them. Now, is there anything else I can help you with? I have some calls to make. No, no, that's it. Here we go. One last time, he skipped breakfast this morning so I know these will hit him hard in five four three, two. Wait, pinky honey. Don't go. Why did it take so long for these things? To be legal. Sure thing. Dad, what's up? Stay close to me, honey. Sure. Dad, are you okay? Don't tell the others, but I'm a bit worried to be honest. What about Is this the end is this Santa's Final Countdown? It doesn't have to be. Easter Bunny talks a good game but I'm worried. She'll go against me. There's another way. Daddy, what's that? You take the soft Landing, keep delivering on Christmas, stay with the company in an Emeritus role will pay you a monthly consultant stipend, on top of your annual delivery and spokesperson fees, you'll still be the face of Christmas. I'm not sure I could do that pink. You lose this vote and Mom becomes the face of Christmas and the company. The elves will talk. The reindeer will squeal. It won't be a soft Landing pops. That's what I'm afraid of. Look, if you agree to step down then yes you won't be the face of the corporation anymore dad but you'll still be the face of Christmas. I'll go to Palm Beach hang out with a vonka and Jared drink anti-wolf beer with Don Jr. That's not what you want. I'm Immortal I can't be taking down. That's not how it works. Dad, you don't have guaranteed rights to Christmas. Well, I sure is. Fuck should. It's okay. Dad, sit down, have some nice cocoa. You two are amazing. You know that, who are you talking about Dad? You and your mother. You stick by me, no matter what. It's called love Dad, and it's the only way forward for this company for this planet. A narcissistic allegiance to profit and shareholder will do miss all embrace the future now, dad, so we can actually have a future. If we can't figure this out, quickly Clause, Industries will be nothing more than a division of Exxon Mobil. I don't know, honey. I just don't know. At the 44 foot long marble dusted table of the Gods and Mary makers the entire board of directors of claws Industries has gathered for the only vote that matters the future leadership at our Christmas Corporation. Joining us in this final season Mrs. Claus pinky, Jack Frost Easter Bunny, Kris Kringle, Tooth Fairy is on conference call. As CEO and chief executive, chairman of this great company Clause. Industries Inc, I call this special meeting to order. With great displeasure, I have been forced by The imperius Lunatic woke mob of this board to call the following vote. The board of directors of claws Industries will hear by by a simple nay or yay, majority. Hold a no confidence, vote, on the leadership of Santa Rutherford clause. A yay, vote. Will indicate no confidence in Santa's leadership? While a no vote. Well indicate support for the continuation of leadership by Santa. If the no confidence vote wins, Santa Claus will tender his resignation immediately. Before I open the floor to questions, I will take a roll call for the official record. Santa Claus present. Mrs. Claus present. Let the record show that. As of today, I would officially like to be known on The Ledger by my legal name Gertrude clause Noted. Pinky Claus present. Jack Frost. Right here or boy. Easter Bunny. Oh, Kris, Kringle present. And finally, tooth fairy. Here. Very well before proceeding to the no-confidence, vote on the tenure of Santa Claus. I will allow questions. I have a question Dad, or I mean Santa the chairman recognizes pinky Claus, no matter what happens, Dad, we all still love you. This vote is a vote for the company and its billions of stakeholders and most certainly not a vote against you. That's not a question. The chairman recognizes Jack Frost I would like to officially enter into the record that it would be an absolute disgrace to strip. The rule of Christmas from Santa Claus. That's not what this vote is. Santa is not the leader of Christmas. He's the co-founder along with my mother and CEO of claws. Industries. The time for politics is over, and I would like to remind pinky Clause that this meeting is to be run by parliamentary order. And thus will not speak, unless first being recognized by the chair, Sorry, Dad. Are there any other questions? Yes, there is a question on the conference line from tooth fairy. Thank you Santa. My question is, this could pinky, please read the official succession plan in the case of a majority. No confidence vote. Effective immediately Gertrude Clause will become CEO. Pinky Clause will be CEO and Robyn. Rihanna Fenty will be independent. Chair of the board. Who the hell is Robyn? Rihanna Fenty, Rihanna dad, nine-time, Grammy Award, winner Rihanna, dear Lord, Rihanna, are you kidding me? Rihanna's estimated net worth of 1.4 billion dollars is mainly due to the success of her Cosmetics, company Fenty, Beauty Rihanna ranks number 21, on forbes', list of America's richest self-made, women and became one of the youngest self-made, female billionaires in off and off your out of line picky. If there are no more questions than we will proceed directly to the no confidence vote. Very well. And remember ah yay shows, no confidence and currently leadership. In a May shows confidence in current leadership. IE me And I remind you that this is a simple yay, or nay vote. No, fucking speeches. Gertrude clause. Yay. Pinky Claus. Yay. Jack Frost. Nae. Kris Kringle. Nae. The current vote is tied, two votes. Yay. And two votes Nae. Tooth fairy. Yay. Easter Bunny. So, here we are. Penultimate moment. All Eyes On The Bunny. I gave out means Santa will step down a neighborhood to keep Santa's dream alive. Except. I'll fuzzy bunny takes a cuddly time nipple. Two nipples. Three nipples. And Loom holiday carrot. The gathered, indeed, the world. Nervous in anticipation. One more. Yay, vote and Leadership will change. What say you Easter Bunny? No. Go ahead, dad. You want this pinky? What have I said about? Speaking out of turn. And here we are dear audience. Dear children. Dear citizens. Here we are at the crowding moment. The moment of crowning. All the moment of crowding. No more. Opposed. A long, pause. And even longer Paul still. As Santa considers his considerable life on the tippity top pole of Earth. A pause. A long, pause. A pregnant pause even. Finally. As if you're about to wake from a millionaire dream. Santa turns unexpectedly. This is class. Girt. Dear. Does the offer to stay as a Emeritus board member and the face of Christmas still remain? Yes, and honey, of course it does. Well. Then Santa vote's. Yay, the new CEO of claws. Industries is Gertrude clause. And my life.