Transcript
Ah, here it comes, here, comes easy on the years, live from Applebee's new Mark Zucker Burger. Tastes like algorithms and disappointment. It's an all-new terrific. Tuesday edition of business pants joined by analysts whole mattress. On today's ESG Joke, Factory 7000 called May 13th 2025 Biz nuggets. Yay. You. Buy free flow to analytics.com, the only platform measuring board power connections performance for free free, free, free FL. They're great, great sponsors. Ready. Yeah, let's just let's just not. It's hard to be funny. Yeah, right now. So let's not knock this out. That's why I I'm trying something different at the end. I'm actually gonna give you some options of funny and see if you think any of them are funny. Oh, I like that. I like making funny a game because otherwise life is not funny. Here we go. In our that's cute, Sam. Because I don't want my son to grow up in a world, where College dropouts slowly, replace human brain function with profit-driven AI headline of the week. See, that's already not funny. Yeah, it's not funny at all. Sam Altman. Does not want his son to grow up with an AI best friend? Well, that's, that's not, he's, that's a knock on Zuck, right? That's up knock, I guess. But this isn't a congressional hearing, a, senator actually asked him that question, but he also went on to say that people were already forming deeply personal relationships with AI and a century relying on it for emotional support. And that quote, it's a newer thing in recent months and I don't think it's all bad but I think we have to understand it and watch it very carefully. But Sam, how you gonna do, how you gonna do that? The same nonsense, everybody. How are you gonna figure that out? Yes, lots of friends, he knows what that's like in our in other news Ikea Will call its fourth coming store in Boston, simply Ikea. Say that's not a bad idea, headline of the week, ESPN will call. Its fourth coming Flagship streaming apps, simply ESPN sources. Say, you know, headline ever? Well, the funny part is yeah. So my my dad worked at like a Community Bank And they got bought by another Community Bank. So it was like two branches and said of one branch. And when they combined, they hired for like 200,000 dollars, a consultant to come in and say, what should we call the name of the Community Bank and the consultant went and interviewed all of the staff, like all 20 of them. Yeah, and said, what do you think we should call it? Then they did this market research. They put together a presentation and they just named it. The Community Banks name on the end. I want to 2000 dollars to get that. Yeah, I shouldn't complain because I'm always the one yelling to my friends. That why do they call HBO Max? Why don't they just call it HBO? Well, that would be simple. That's the brand. We all love is HBO. No one knows a Maxxis. Our moving on, in our this next one will tickle you. Come on. now, our Xcbs director, he really was. He was a CBS director, that's true. I know OJ Simpson. Not named director after found not guilty of the murders of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman and because he's dead headline of the week. X Tyson Food, CFO John Tyson named director after misdemeanors. Oh well that's a good news. Is someone did pick up on that because it was like announced in a press release. You caught the press release, but it took like three days for the news to be like, wait a minute, is that the same guy? So, he woke up with someone else's bed. This is the, the heir to the throne. One of the sons of the Tyson family who first went from somehow magically went from Chief sustainability officer to CFO. I don't know that happened. Then basically got fired a CFO for being a deviant to society really and now he's back as a director. So there I love, I love that they they were like, you're so bad at your job that we're gonna make you a direct of the company as well. Part of the baby in our In her acceptance speech, Ms balls. Well said. I won't sleep until your toilets are. 45% less smelly and disgusting on a year over year basis. Starting in three Q 2026. Headline of the week. That's That's quite a promise Clorox announces election of Gina Boswell to its board of directors. I was like that. I like your headline better. I want them to walk up you know like in the NFL draft, when you get drafted they like walk up on the stage and larger, Goodell whatever I want them to do that with like the chair of the board, and then hold up a jersey with the number on it. Who would they hug what they hug? The lead? Directer, were they hug the hug, the nomination, chair committee? Why, I think they would all be the Nars. Share your standing behind clapping, you know like yeah. Yeah, love this pic. And our The fourth director was referred to as a bloated idiot. Who doesn't know the difference between a case of synthetic hydraulic fluids and a Diet Pepsi headline of the week. Shareholder advisory firm backs. 3 of Elliot's 4, Phillip 66 director nominees. Like, come on glass Lewis. What? Finally, in my first section. and this is kind of a really just a segue over to Matt because I know Matt has a bunch of headlines about this, in our Sir. Andrew witty. Oh, I forgot the sir listed the top, three personal reasons in no particular order, fuck this place. Oh hello. We place this fuck, I think that is a particular isn't important. I think that is see, oh, steps down for personal reasons. Yeah, the personal reasons was someone was probably going to kill him next. Oh, or that he's already really rich. And why would you want to run that place? Matt, I'm gonna go over to you because you have a bunch of headlines but you know what? That are universally reviled man pays self had in the week. United's Health CEO. Andrew witty was 2024. Highest paid payer CEO. He was the highest paid of all the he's made about. I think he's made total summary, compensation about 70 million. Last, three years, combined, Yeah, I think last year was like 40, like, 42 or as well. I remember right in our universally reviled, man. Takes a vacation headline of the week. United Healthcare Group CEO. Andrew witty steps down. Companies. Suspends Daniel forecast. Do you know both of those headlines came out in the last seven days, like he was the highest paid of all of the healthcare groups and and the same time, that's announced he's the same week. He steps down. There's also the announced the shareholder lawsuit against the company. Yes, they did. They did announce that and in our universally reviled, man, replaced, by universally reviled, man. Who replaced different? Universal reviled, man? He replaced headline of the week. Yeah, what's that? United Health, CEO, Andrew witty steps down replace by Stephen Hemsley. So he's the, he's the boomerang CEO. So, Stephen Hemsley is the chair of the board. Of course, he's the executive chair, because he was the CEO. Okay? Yeah. And he is now replacing Andrew witty. Now, the actual order of things was Stephen Helmsley, and then there was another CEO and then Andrew witty, Hemsley stayed on the board the entire time, but United Health seems to love keeping all their CEOs around on the board, they've had multiple CEOs or xeos on the board for the last 20 years. Are doing such a good job that they have. It's a jumping up job governance over there. In our Andrew witty says, try cod liver oil, and vitamin A headline of the week. Listeria, outbreaks. Sikkens at least 10 in California and Nevada in the FDA is investigating fresh and Ready Foods. I like how you you kind of shoved Andrew. Witty into that joke as somehow I feel like he's involved. Yeah. You were on a roll. What are you gonna do? I can't slow down. Keep going. All right in our This week on audit material. Weakness. The game show. Who will the material weakness? Be the X, prosecutor, Financial expert, the X and Terrier secretary who wrote you report to me, accountability for the failing administrative state Or the X-ray representative headline of the week. Trump Medias said it had material weakness in internal control. Wow, that's shocking, shocked those three, those three things that things ain't all and all on the audit committee. That's the audit Committee of trump media. Welcome to 2025. I've never seen a less qualified audit committee like not that any of it matters because it's entire it's a dual class company. It's held by Trump who only managed to show up to two of the five board meetings, despite being on the board, of course. So I I assess, I expect you to recommend voting against Donald J. Trump for missing his attendance now. Oh, yeah. That'll do. That was the one thing? They're not doing any of this one flag, isn't it? Yes. Can't do that. in our, Anti-walk investors furious at SEC. They don't get the chance to vote 1% in favor of a resolution to stop gays from eating sushi. The wokest way to make fish, which is arguably eroding, American Freedom, headline of the week, I'm lost. Yeah, go ahead. Kroger investor loses new bid to put Plan before shareholders. Wait, what? Okay, so, Kroger, yeah. First of all, their number one selling item at Kroger is Sushi, was not a joke that's real. What is? I don't really know what car is, it's a supermarket, it's a supermarket. And this is the place where the CEO stepped down on disgrace and we still don't know why they didn't tell her holders or correct. No, nothing. All the only thing we know that they sell a lot of sushi. Ya and the CEO is did something. Maybe he like put his finger in the sushi. In 2023. The national legal policy. Research Center. One of the anti-wolf shareholders. Yeah, they put up a proposal About, I think it was Dei at the time. And they lost of course. And they wanted to do the same proposal this year, so they got less than the 5% threshold, according to the SEC. So the SEC rejected it. Oh, so they're not allowed to put it back on the SEC is woke now. Maybe now, I guess we'll get rid of the SEC soon. So I mean they were gonna put it up and get another 1% in favor anyway, so what do we really doing here? Come on. All right, I'm getting tired. Let's go last couple and let's finish this out. Give me give me the goods in our after soliciting bids from Punxsutawney. Phil the Transformer named scavenger and Mark Wahlberg from Deepwater Horizon. The Trump Administration finally found a genius to dig a hole had in the week. Elon musk's boring company, is in talks with government, over Amtrak. I mean, look, I, this might be something. I would trust one of his companies to do is dig a hole, but then again, I'm not too sure I'm not too sure. Okay, so I looked up the Vegas Loop, which is the one place. They've really dug a hole. Yeah, the Vegas Loop will take you according to their website from the airport. Harry Reid. International Airport. I didn't know what that far. Yeah to the convention center in five minutes and it costs you ten dollars. Okay. You were to drive that not in a hole. Yeah, it would take you 10 minutes and cost you. Yeah. I've only been in Las Vegas once but I don't remember there really being an issue. It's not, it's not Manhattan. I don't know. Dumb. It's literally when you see the whole the one thing they did was put in like LED lights. That change color good, but it's a one-way hole with no exits. Great. Congratulations. It's a stupidest thing ever. In our when asked the mayor of Memphis Tennessee, handed citizens, a set of giant wipers donated by Tesla for their tears headline. I know what you're doing there. Yeah. Community complaints of choking. Fumes from Elon, musk's AI Fortress. Well, the sad part here at is it who are, who can the community complain to anymore? I mean, they can't really go to the EPA. Who cares? Who's going to care anymore? I mean, they just they just called the mayor's office. This is what people like what function of the government of the government is going to step in on this anymore. Well, this is why Tesla gave him the giant white bird here. See that? You see that anything else in our it's true. We found a self-important liar who likes hallucinogens so we don't need to hire anyone under 35, with an education anymore, headline of the week. AI may cut the need for younger staffs CEOs. Say yeah, with the commoditization of intelligence. It's not about having the smartest people anymore. What is this? What is this full-on attack from CEOs against? Not only like, young people. But educated young people. What are we doing? What's happening? What am I missing the literally, they Like we want dumb people, is that we're looking I don't know what we want people to be Dumber. Yeah. And these are all but by the way, that every single, I guess, you know God bless us suck except for Zack. These are all college educated people talking about this stuff, right? I mean I don't understand it, I don't get well, let's let me end here. Yeah, in our it's true. We found a self-important liar. Who states everything. Like, it's a fact. So we don't need to hire anyone over the age of 55 anymore. Headline of the week. The vast majority of CEOs are fearful of losing their jobs due to AI survey reveals. Okay, this is help me out with this one. Are they, are they fearful of losing their jobs because they don't understand Ai. And AI will be a big function of their company? Or is it because they will be replaced essentially, places already, they fear being replaced by Ai and yet we're letting AI, it's letting it run like an unregulated disaster over the Earth. This is what we're doing. My favorite part is that they basically said what the young staff we can cut entirely, we don't need them and then the sea or staff, we can cut. So what we got, seven guys named Jim in the Middle where wearing like a salmon colored shirts and khakis. The company now the CEOs, who are billionaires, who own half of Hawaii? All they have to do is whisper the word China at a congressional testimony and they get to do whatever they want. It's the dumbest thing. I like the CEOs are saying, we don't have to hire young staff and CEOs are afraid of being replaced by the same thing. We've never placing young staff, Matt. Thanks for bringing me down with your your strange sense of humor. I really appreciate that anytime. I'm gonna end this with a game. I'm gonna give you the headline first and you pick the best joke, okay? Because I need, I just wanted to try something different this week. Here's the headline like this McDonald's announces plans to hire 300 and 375,000 workers with Trump, labor secretary. So you get it? That's the flex right? Trump is all proud of, I mean, 375,000 workers at McDonald's. I mean, I already seems like a joke in itself, right? But I don't know that that headline is, they're only During summer helpers. I don't like any of it and they're doing it because Americans can't afford real food. So they have to shop at McDonald's. They're like any of the paid, like, where's RFK Jr? He can't. I love that the Trump labor secretary standing next to McDonald's while McDonald's is proud of basically hiring. A lot of part-time workers to fill a gap because no one can afford food. Here are the three headlines ready? Yeah. Make it funny now. Well. Training training to include how to scream internally without moving your face, and why clocking out is woke. That's the first one. I don't like that new employees to be paid in nuggets. And we'll receive free uniform. A copy of Atlas Shrugged annotated by JD Vance while wearing a Ronald McDonald costume and a mandatory McRib tramp stamp I try to do a trump tramp stamp joke there but I couldn't really figure it out. Sorry, these are horrifying already and finally because nothing says labor rights, like a side of deregulation. What do you got? Oh wow. Come on. Oh, I mean it's got to be new employees to be paid in nuggets. Yeah. Right. Because the McDonald's script right. Wouldn't that be the? You because you mentioned scripture and it's all script Society. Yeah. You Elon Musk is started Starbase and I had a prediction that he's gonna start a crypto script of course for Starbase mattress. Over the years, a lot of our most idiotic fears, and thoughts and jokes have come true. So, I actually think that this is probably accurate, I think there will be a return to script and not too distant future. I like the idea that nuggets are a form of script. Yeah, I like the problem is, is that the headline is wrong? I think because the uniform probably will cost like, 90 nuggets script. Yeah, nice. Yeah. And fire. Let's try it with this. headline, this is actually from The New York Times, Matt, this is, this is what the New York Times writes about Boy, accidentally orders 70,000 lollipops on Amazon Panic ensues. This is the okay, the great journalism at I did read the story and panic ensues seems like a vast Overstock, well actually happened. There was no Panic in suing so you pick an alternative headline Amazon's spokesperson said, while we understand that 70,000 lollipops, May exceed the average household's needs, Our algorithm determined that American children are fat and stupid. Oh, okay, that's one possible. Alternative. That sounds correct. Second one, Mark Zuckerberg said, problems like this will disappear with meta branded AI children. That's horrified. And finally Amazon algorithm now recommends to this family, a Kohler tall, single flush, two-piece elongated toilet with 1.28 gallons per plush in white and a dentist Named Dave. Wow. The Amazon algorithm featured twice in your hands. Well, there you go. It's a double algorithm. You don't have to pick one here because the whole thing. No, I do. I think Mark Zuckerberg, The Meta branded AI children. That's not far away, either. That's real. That actually might be your next best prediction. That's that's It because why? Yeah, why would you want to deal with the headache of your dumb children? Ordering too many lollipops when you could just tweak its algorithm not to order too many lollipops. There you go, simple, not to mention your dumb. Children, have no friends and you would have to pay for their AI friends. Anyway. And they don't have to go to college anymore in Mark's future because college is stupid. So just saving money there. Yeah, in fact, all you've done is you didn't have to raise anything, you immediately can send your kid to work. It's like, you get your kid and you sell my mouth. It's like you don't need child labor anymore and the show signs out of here. That's it. That's his little not roll us. I'm here at. We are free float, we will be back on Thursday. That's true. And Friday true with proxy County down two and very don't shows. Yeah. Shareholder. Primacy or other podcast with Mike Levin and Anne Lipton. They did a not a bang-up job talking about Tesla and the lawsuits and and like, all these issues around that like Securities Law, go listen to them because they're way smarter than we are LTZ actually educated autistic too. Matt we are in talks with another Highly Educated person. I won't say the name to join our Network for another show and even another show, that is not us, which I am really excited, will be relieved about this is an actual smart person. I am excited to collect as many smart people to start a podcast Network so that we can replace all of them with AI because we don't need smart people anymore. Anyway, Ai and Lipton. I like that. That's it. Come back later this week until then goodbye.